Easy way or Hard way?

Well these past couple days have been rough. However, not rough in the sense that I have been missing kevin, but rough in that I am trying to really move on. I struggle with this and i find myself feeling rather agonized by this. It is very hard to explain. After the whole fiasco of kevin's friends bashing me online, i took a long hard look at the situation with somewhat of an outside perspective. There is no way i can go back to that relationship without having to face all of his friends thinking the worst of me. If I ever went back I would have to deal with being the tainted version of what they all thought of me before. I dont think kevin would even want to take me back because of what his friends would think of him anyway. How could i ever have normal healthy friendships with them again? Is that possible?

Anyway, this sort of hard thinking of the situation left me feeling with such a sense of hopelessness that it almost pushed me towards really moving on. I was struck by some sort of slap of sanity. It still isn't quite a full dose of reality yet, and i still feel myself occasionally slipping back into what i will term as "delusional wishful thinking" (that kevin is the only one for me), but there is some part of me now that is willing to move on from this.

I can only think that the difficulties I would face going back to kevin will pose so many negative hurdles to overcome that it would just be simpler to just start afresh with somebody new. The truth is that starting afresh with somebody knew is the easiest thing to do truly. Aside from searching around a while to find a suitable match for me and dating a few men here and there, once i find a match, any match, he would be new enough to not have any preconceived judgments tied to me. He would have no reason to mistrust me and he would not have friends who would have had their little session of hawking and spitting on me.

I can start with a new fresh slate and from the beginning where i feel there is nothing to overcome aside from the issues of a new relationship and well, issues of any healthy functioning relationship.

Why should i not want to start afresh? Who wouldn't want the easier option?
I tell myself this today, but sometimes I feel who wants the easy option? What rewards are there in the easy option? the easy option is for the pussies in life who take on no challenges.
Part of me thinks this way as well.

However, when it comes to relationships, what is the best thing? Is it better to work hard, face all the hurdles that come your way and fight to the death and feel then rewards of this? or is it better to give up on working through those hurdles find another easy route. Will the easy route bring more joy and reward?

I wish i knew the answer to this. Ahhhhh! I feel so tired of trying to rationalize these things, I have to shout at the universe.
"Argh!!!   Life! - why do you have to be so complicated? Just give me the answer now!"

Expected Undercurrents

Well... in the previous blog i wrote about Mark's email having the potential for undercurrents of negativity. So said, so done. I responded with a brief message that just explained that i deactivated my account and he replied with "I hope you are well and I always support both you and kevin". However, he has been bashing me on facebook all the while writing me supportive emails. He definitely is a double crosser and back stabber.... but i have known this for some time... so it doesnt come as a shock.
Mark has been posting all sorts of things about how i am a cheater on facebook for all the world to see, however the truth is that I didnt actually cheat.
I mean i have been wrongfully accused of things before, but this one really hurts. I am no longer on facebook, so the slew of information has been sent to me via email and other messaging by other people. It is really hurtful to think that somebody who claims to be your 'friend' is just a two faced dick in reality. However, I cannot say I am not surprised... Mark has thrown me under the bus before...

Anyway, i have chosen to not give any response to any of Mark's bashing and just leave it alone.
The reasons that i have done this is because it is the hardest thing for me to do. I want to just log on to facebook and trash him and say all sorts of things and clear my name... but i know that this will only make situations worse and make me feel as worse than before.  What i have learnt so far is that if i follow my emotion, then this gets me in trouble. I am too confused and irrational right now to trust my emotions. Hence if i do the opposite of what my emotions tell me to do, then usually that is the best choice.
I feel to call kevin and cry and beg him to take me back, but that would be following my emotions. The opposite of what i feel to do is the non contact rule.

The 'non contact rule' is definitely the most effective means of self preservation. It has proven to be my only friend in this and sometimes i feel to break it, because i feel weak. But when this rule is broken (for example when i was contacted by kevin's best friend mark) I felt horrible for 2 days now and i may even feel horrible tomorrow too. I need to trust my only friend the 'no contact rule' and just place my blind faith in it because it is there for only ME and NOBODY ELSE.
Hence i always need to maintain the non contact until i can really find my feet on a stable path that can let me stand up for myself. fighting a battle in a weakened state is just recipe for failure.
Therefore, I think the best thing for me to do is not respond and let them all just have their Rar Rar Session of Bashing Maia and then let it die down. The truth is, my pain will remain after they have finished their gossiping... and eventually the hot topic of Maia being a cheater will be no longer a juicy story to discuss...

Perhaps one day i will get my time to tell my side of the story, but somehow in this case i feel that time will never arrive and i will have to accept that i am wrongfully accused by them all and just put it all behind me and never look back.

I always have dreams that i can return to kevin after some time has passed and ask him if he would be willing to try again. I know this is just maintaining a sick hope, because who wants to go  back to a situation where all his friends think you have cheated and you will forever be labelled a cheater?
Honestly, it just seems like it is a foolish decision to go back to that.... and i would be better off starting a clean slate with somebody else. With a new set of friends and a new set of beginnings.

However, i still hold on to this sick sort of hope. It saddens me that i feel this way... because i am not a foolish woman. I am just a woman who has been misunderstood. Maybe i should just find the place where i am not misunderstood and start again instead of trying to go back to the place where i was misunderstood and try to convince them all to understand?

It just sounds like a terrible idea to hold on to hope like this... I really need to start to get a grip with it all, because i know kevin is moving on with his life and not looking back. I need to do the same.
Maybe one day i will be able to send him an email and tell him that i truly never cheated on him. But then I also hope by that time, I will be over it enough to not care.

Sigh! this seems to be a never ending story.

Considerate or Nosey?

Today was frustrating.
I wont bother to get into why it was frustrating because it is just too long to explain. Anyway aside from the whole frustration bit, I received an email from Kevin's best friend Mark. Mark is a really nice guy i have always got along with him and he has often been a voice of reason. I have appreciation for Mark on one level but i also have a slight caution when it comes to him as well. Mark is gay, and I can sometimes see a sort of woman's vindictiveness come through on occasion. There have been times when i have felt completely thrown under the bus by Mark and there have been other times when he has been an extremely wonderful friend. Anyway, overall I sort of learnt the boundaries of what to expect from him.

Anyway, today I received an email from him. The email was very polite and was saying that he wanted to know how i was because he "heard from kevin" that I might be leaving NZ. (kevin knew i was considering leaving NZ because I told him the last time we spoke when i collected my last bit of stuff, but he didn't know for sure or when or where or how ).

Mark mentions in his email that i didnt reply to his text and i have also defriended him on facebook and so he is assuming that i dont want to be in touch with him anymore. He also mentioned "The whole thing is such an unfortunate incident it's beyond words". He wishes me all the best and says if i ever want to, please drop him a line to let him know how and where i am.

Now over all this email seems very nice and polite. But i cannot help but feel there is an undercurrent of associated drama. I know Mark is a very considerate guy, but I also know he has great potential for the alternative.

The truth is, I didn't defriend him from facebook. I simply deactivated my entire account, so it really isnt directed to specifically him. Also, I didnt reply to his text  because i am no longer in the country so i didnt receive any messages because that number is cut.
I guess the guy has tried multiple efforts of contacting me, and he was successful with only one - Email.

But why is he really contacting me?
Can he help me? - No.
Will he change anything for me? - No.
Is he on my side? - No
Will he make me feel better about the breakup? -No.
Is it possible for me to be friends with him now while he is best friends with kevin? - No
Will replying to his email bring me happiness and joy and satisfaction? - No
Will he even respond to me if i replied? - No
Will he enjoy having additional information about me that kevin doesn't? - Maybe/Maybe Not

I think he just wants to know where I am so he can have a little gossip session with some of the friends over the breakup. They can go on and on about how horrible i was and how i deserve everything i get and it is good for me to fly back to where i came from. They all can have a little Maia bashing session and say poor kevin.

On the other hand, he could really be looking out for me and be concerned.
However, I dont think he really is that concerned. I believe the scenario that played off would be - kevin mentioned to him recently that I may be leaving NZ, and then he would have tried to dig up more information so trolled for me on facebook and texted me and then got no response.

Im not sure if i should respond to the email. Part of me wants to just tell him where I am and tell him all the details of my existence so that kevin will hear about it from somebody else rather than me. The other part of me wants to just say fuck off and not even acknowledge the email. Ignoring might just be better damage control.

Anyway, because I am never a heartless bitch to anybody who i consider/considered friends,  I composed a brief reply which stated that I didn't unfriend him and I no longer have that phone number. I didnt tell him where i was or how i was doing, just listed that I was not ignoring him. Perhaps this is the route i will take. This way he will have no ammunition on my status and whereabouts but he will know that I am not completely ignoring him.. I havent sent it yet, will prob think it over for a few days before i send it.

Overall, I find it highly aggravating to hear from him, because i really dont know if he is being considerate or just plane nosey.

I want to forget kevin and forget his whole crew.

I'm so desperate that it makes even me sick.

I woke up this morning in tears. I thought i was over this stage of sobbing for no reason, but i guess i am not. I sobbed over my breakfast and then tried to pull it together. Why was this morning so hard for me? what triggered it? I do not know at all. I just wasn't in a good space at all.
Luckily i managed to get through the rest of the day without making a big production of my depression. Even though I was feeling like crap I still managed to pull out the minimal pleasantries that were required to get through the day without a pity party.
Tonight I wasn't even going to write an entry to the blog because I truly have nothing to say. I have been swaying back and forth between, sadness and anger this whole day. One minute i hate kevin and the next i love him. I truly hate that everything was left undone, untied, and even though I long for some sort of closure, knowing the nature of kevin, I know I will never get it. I must just soldier on.

Kevin has closed the door on me so tightly that I cant even find the door again. He shut it, locked it, bricked it up and concealed the door. I am permanently on the other side. He cut me off, I have no way of contacting him. I've been deleted, blocked and cut off from all connection to him. This leaves me with such a huge feeling of rejection. This has damaged my self esteem beyond anything I have experienced in my life.

I feel like an idiot, like a chump because I secretly look forward to the nights where I can fantasize about him coming back to me and saying he thought about it and wants another shot at it and at that moment I get to say everything i want to say and then run back to him with open arms. I feel ashamed to even admit this here on this blog because it is such a desperate fantasy to have.

After all that happened, after thinking of all the hurtful things he said to me, after experiencing him throwing me out on the street in a new country, after realizing all his friends abandoned me and left me to the wolves while spitting at me as I bled, after knowing how kevin portrayed me to be something I am not, after all of this - I still would say "of course my love, I want to be with you".
How blinded and feeble is that?
I feel disgusted by my own self. I never thought I would be one of those women who was so desperate for a man. And kevin is not even a super awesome man, but a difficult man to be with.

I work through each day knowing that he is happy in his little world, knowing that he will be on to the next woman (if not already) and all I was was a "crash test dummy girlfriend". I was nothing but a stepping stone to him. It makes me nauseous to even think of it.

I've been trying to read so many self help books and watch so many clips and inspirational sayings. I get momentary relief sometimes, but other times it just makes me want to roll my eyes. All the cliche sayings just come across as bullshit
"if you love something let it go"
"time heals all wounds"
"It wasn't meant to be"

Ugh!... nah!.... I dont want to hear any of it. I want Nothing of that BS!!!.
Right now I can't think of anything worse than all of that talk.

Everybody says to me - In time you will be grateful for what is happening what this will  bring you, you will learn so much about yourself, and improve, and grow and be stronger and expand.

But I say - the broken heart does not want to be grateful for what is happening, the broken heart wants to recover what is lost.

So shut the fuck up!

Vacant

I have survived another day. I'm still alive, not whole, but breathing (barely). I managed to get through some decent meals today and at the very least I can say that this was an accomplishment. I hope that the 8kg that i lost over the period of 6 weeks can be gained back in just a couple but I think it will take longer. I can thank my sister for always having good food in her house not only is the fridge always stacked but it is full of healthy options of fruit, vegetables and healthy snacks. My sister is somewhat of a "food nazi" and she only wants healthy options for her kids. I think in this regard this was a good choice to come here. Food is easy and good. So this makes my life so much simpler. Thank you sis!

On the other hand, I still feel lonely. My niece and nephew are awesome and I love my sister dearly, but I feel so disinterested in the activities that we do. It has nothing to do with the actual activities, but everything to do with me. I spend time playing all sorts of different games with the kids and I feel uninterested, I spend time talking about nonsense with my sister and I feel uninterested, I hang out with my brother in law (who is naturally hilarious) and I am uninterested. I go out for a walk or drive and I feel uninterested. I feel almost like I have no interest in anything at all. I guess this is a symptom of a broken  heart.

Is this what I am now? - An uninterested, passionless shell of a human. I shudder to think of the reality.

I troll the internet trying to find something that will hold my interest, something that will make me smile or laugh or even ponder. But everything feels so meaningless. So shallow, So fake and hollow. I want to have some meaningful conversation, meaningful knowledge, meaningful exchange. I'm tired of surface pleasantries, tired of easy simple conversations. But on the same hand I feel disinterested in hearing what everybody has to say.

I have never been that great at holding conversations with people, but under these conditions I have gone from about a 5 out of 10 to a 0 out of 10. I honestly cannot be fucked to make any effort to humor any casual encounters or even bring myself to contribute anything substantial to more meaningful discussions.

I feel vacant. Like I have no purpose in life, like I have no passion, like I have no aspiration, like I have no interest, like I have nothing there. I'm just a lump of a human body, like a waste of space that should be occupied by somebody else - somebody who does care, somebody who does want, somebody who does action.
I pray deep in my heart that I will once again be somebody who does...

Vindication wanted

Today was a waste day. All I did was sleep and eat and just wasted through the hours until I had to go to bed again and now it is 1 a.m. and i am up and cannot sleep. I feel like i am doing myself an injustice, but i don't know how to summon up the activation energy to do the alternative.

I spoke to a friend of mine today who actually introduced kevin to me. She has been quite helpful in making me feel less bad about the break up and less like it is my fault. She says over and over, "its not you, its him". She says "You deserve better". She says "you will get through this and be stronger". She has all the right words to say and she does comfort me a little.. But she has her life with her owns kids and doesn't have the time to be catering to my needs so it is not often I have her there to drill some sense into my brain.

She has known my struggle and knows my heartache and hell. She has been through something similar before she got married, and I often sob to her saying "How could he be so cold and cut me out like I was a bad tumor and live life so happily now like I meant nothing?". She said to me today that even though kevin seems normal now, like his life is full of his friends and hobbies that he will feel the pain eventually. She said that women process their pain and emotions and face them head on, whereas men tend to hide away and suppress them and this results in men having moments of breaking down later on usually after the woman has completely moved on.

I have to admit I was happy to hear this news. Thinking that eventually kevin will be keeled over in the fetal position holding his head, crying and saying "what did i do?" gave me a sense of joy.
I love that man with everything I have and I find it so hurtful that he can be so cold. I relish in the thought of him being regretful and me finding some vindication in life. However, the truth is that I know if that time was to ever come along, it would not be now when i truly want it, and if ever it did arrive in the future,  I would have moved on and wouldn't even care.

I definitely want to believe my friend, and i want to think that there is some poetic justice to all of this, but other times i just feel as though I know kevin well enough to know he is a heartless machine and he will never face his own emotions. I don't know if I will ever get that vindication I crave. I know Kevin's personality type well enough and he is usually one who sticks to his decision with absolutely no regrets.

Do I really need the vindication? I guess in the long run I don't. However, for the present moments it is thinking about this want for justice that gives me a sense that I am not the problem. That nothing is wrong with me. It makes me hope that kevin is not just a machine and that he is a real human being and that I didnt waste my time loving a man that never loved me back.

Emotions up, Emotions down, Emotions all around

Today I spent with  my sister and the kids. We went to the botanical gardens and the insectarium. It was a good day of seeing and learning new things and the kids were chatting and teaching me about all the plants and insects.
It was a beautiful sunny day and it was a wonderful outing, however I cant say that i enjoyed it at all. My sad heart created a screen that blocked me from truly enjoying, living and appreciating the moment.

It was never supposed to be like this. I was never supposed to be here with my sister and kids alone. I was always supposed to make this trip with Kevin. How did I end up being alone like this? I thought i was over these days. I thought i was over the being single and just roaming around on my own, tagging along with my sisters and brothers and their own families. It is nice to be independent, its nice to be the "young aunt" who gets to do all the fun things on her own.... but i didn't want to be the young solo aunt anymore. I wanted to be Aunt Maia and Uncle Kevin.

Today every thing that I saw, or read, or tried, or lived - I kept thinking of what would Kevin say or do if he was here now? Kevin would like that. Kevin would know about that. Kevin has one of that. I felt obsessed with Kevin (like i normally am) except that this time i don't actually have Kevin as part of my life anymore.
My heart bled silently as i played with the kids on the playground.

I do feel more able to do things now that I am around my family. I have a distraction and company, but my sadness still remains. I still have these niggling feelings that he will always be there for me to go back to, and I wish those feelings were just gone.

My sister says it will take time. I don't know how long, but its been too long for me already. I wish I could fast forward through time and just wake up and it all be gone. I wish I could stop hoping that he will come around and call me to get back together. I wish I could stop being such a pathetic mess of a desperate woman. Ugh!

I have these roller coaster moments everyday - emotions up, emotions down, emotions all around. I hate you, I love you, I want you, I dont need you, Im ok, Im not ok, Why?, Why not?, What did i do?, I didn't do anything!, What's wrong with me?, Nothing is wrong with me!

Its like my mind is a cesspit of irrational thought. A pool of emotion that I find myself drowning in. I cant keep my head up enough to breathe because it is my broken heart that weighs me down.

I tell myself to heal - "Heal heart Heal!" I scream and shout inside my head.

But there is no healing yet.