I have been avoiding this blog for weeks now, mainly because i have been trying to forget the whole break up. Somehow coming back here reminds me of what happened. However, i have been feeling as though i should write. Im not sure what to write but i have been thinking of this blog lots in the recent days i and think that some therapeutic writing is in order.
I have been studying french classes, and i have also been dating. Online dating that is, because i am not sure how to make friends in this country and it doesnt seem as though there are many guys knocking on my door. So i decided to join pof. I wrote about my last date in my last blog and since then i have been on dates with 8 different guys.... and well out of all of them, i only kind of get along really well with one of them. However, he isnt that good looking and also i dont think that i would ever really want to get too serious with him because he is kind of a buddy sort of guy to me. There is another one who is very goodlooking, however i dont seem to have a connection with him on a deep level. He speaks french and english is not his first language, so communication is a bit tricky at times, but he is very sweet. In some ways i find him to lack ambition and sort of is stuck in the outskirts of life - which is definitely not the type of man i want to end up with. I dont think i will ever be happy with him as he doesnt have the level of maturity that i look for in a man.
Anyway, i have been out on all of these dates and honestly, it has been kind of fun but at the same time it is torture. I find that these encounters remind me of how much i love kevin and how much I miss him.
They make me think that i want to get back with him even more. However, they have also reminded me that some people just dont match up.... and i dont think getting back together with kevin is ever going to be possible. Today has been the first day for me to really believe that i will never get back together with kevin. Before i would say the words but in my heart i always felt that maybe one day we would reconcile. However, today, while i was taking a shower before i came to write this blog, i had this feeling that kevin and I are over for good and there is absolutely no turning back. Im not sure how exactly this dawned on me, but it did. I feel sad about this, because I am a hopeless romantic and i feel as though there is something missing from my life. I feel as though there is a piece of me that was lost to somebody who doesnt appreciate it and never will understand the depths of what i would have done for him. It is a pity that i was in this position, as i feel it was all a waste. I still feel lost in my own life now because of this experience, and now, knowing that there is no turning back, i feel even more lost.
I know people say to learn from relationships and dont regret, but i regret this one. I really do, and i dont hate kevin or wish him anything negative. It is the opposite, i love him so much and i want him to have a good life. I wish that his life was with me, but it will never be. And so because of this, i wish it never happened, so i would not have this scar on my heart, because with this scar my heart doesnt work as good as it did before and i know i wont love like i loved before.
I see these poor guys that i date and i know that they will never be for me, but i date them to just kill some time. To distract myself from my reality and to help myself to keep calm while my heart takes its time to heal. These men dont know the depths of the scars on my heart, and i wont ever tell them anyway. I dont think i would ever give my heart to any man the way i gave it to kevin. For now my heart is hidden, and i do not know how long it will stay in the dark or if i will ever bring it out again. It is a pity, because my heart is the biggest part of me that i can give.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Guilt of moving on
So after having such a horrible time, I managed to recover a bit. Now I can only describe it as "a bit" because all the improvement is that I didn't cry walking home from my classes.
I had lots of things on my mind recently and one of the more concerning things was that I need to start back working again soon because my money is very low and I am currently just mooching off of my sister. This is not a good image for a woman who is 31. It actually is pathetic.
So I said to myself that I need to get a grip.
I was talking to my sister and brother in law a few days ago. The conversation came up with dating and so forth. I just couldn't really bare the thought of being with another man beside Kevin. But the truth is that Kevin doesn't want me, so I need to find somebody who will actually value my worth.
"Do you know what my mother says about getting over somebody?" My brother in law said to me.
"No, what?" I asked
" Well, my 85 year old mother with all of her life's experience says - the best way to get over a man is to get under another."
"Goodness!" I think to myself... and we all have a bit of a laugh thinking about Grandma B talking about getting under a man. Honestly, Grandma B has always been a very hip and happening old lady quite liberal I have to say. But somehow thinking of Grandma B telling me to get under a man was just hilarious to say the least.
Anyway, that evening I was also messaging a friend of mine who lives in Toronto. She is single and is in her 30s as well and she was going out on a date that evening. I felt like everybody around me were throwing hints to me that I need to distract myself with another date at least. So I asked my friend how does she meet men. "POF (plenty of fish online dating) you need to join it" was her response, ... she uses it all the time to find dates. I never thought I would turn to internet dating, but seeing as I am in a new country and I really have no friends or any true way to meet anybody I figured why not. I made up a profile and I put up a relatively decent picture but not over the top. I got many responses in a matter of a day and I was shocked at how many people actually showed interest.
I felt as though, ok well this might be easier than going out to meet guys somewhere. I sent a few replies and had short conversations with a couple men, but most of them died out with lack of interest and I felt grossed out by a whole lot of others. There are some characters that just make you feel horrible. Anyway, after a day or two, I started to feel really down and crap about the whole online thing as though even in a cyber world I was only attracting creepy old guys, and I was about to delete my profile when I started a conversation with one guy.
He seemed like a normal human being and his picture wasn't really that good looking, but he wasn't that bad. He asked me out and I said fine, and so I went out with him today.
When I first met him, I figured he wasn't as good looking as his photos, and he also was the same height as I was and I was wearing flats. This wasn't so great for me actually because I want to wear heels every now and then and its not great when you are taller than the guy. But I don't want to be superficial, so I can overlook this quality. Anyway the date was fine, he was interesting to talk to, we walked about the city and he paid for the lunch we had. Overall it was fine. At the end of the day, he said he would like to meet me again and I said "sure", but deep down inside my gut I knew I didn't really want to take this further. It wasn't because he was short, or because he wasn't interesting enough or because he wasn't as good looking as his picture. None of those things really mattered. It was because I am still in love with Kevin. I came home thinking that the date was a pretty good one, but I felt this sinking feeling in my heart of guilt. Guilt! why guilt? I just couldn't help it, every bone in my body felt anxiety and just overall remorse of the whole date.
Ugh! why? why is it just not possible for me to have a fulfilling time with somebody who is a good normal and decent guy?
Sigh... I hate this process... and I want to move on, but I don't want to move on. I just feel like crap. Crap! I tell you, Crap!
I just want my love back. Nothing seems to compare to my lost love.
I want to cry
God! so pathetic....
I had lots of things on my mind recently and one of the more concerning things was that I need to start back working again soon because my money is very low and I am currently just mooching off of my sister. This is not a good image for a woman who is 31. It actually is pathetic.
So I said to myself that I need to get a grip.
I was talking to my sister and brother in law a few days ago. The conversation came up with dating and so forth. I just couldn't really bare the thought of being with another man beside Kevin. But the truth is that Kevin doesn't want me, so I need to find somebody who will actually value my worth.
"Do you know what my mother says about getting over somebody?" My brother in law said to me.
"No, what?" I asked
" Well, my 85 year old mother with all of her life's experience says - the best way to get over a man is to get under another."
"Goodness!" I think to myself... and we all have a bit of a laugh thinking about Grandma B talking about getting under a man. Honestly, Grandma B has always been a very hip and happening old lady quite liberal I have to say. But somehow thinking of Grandma B telling me to get under a man was just hilarious to say the least.
Anyway, that evening I was also messaging a friend of mine who lives in Toronto. She is single and is in her 30s as well and she was going out on a date that evening. I felt like everybody around me were throwing hints to me that I need to distract myself with another date at least. So I asked my friend how does she meet men. "POF (plenty of fish online dating) you need to join it" was her response, ... she uses it all the time to find dates. I never thought I would turn to internet dating, but seeing as I am in a new country and I really have no friends or any true way to meet anybody I figured why not. I made up a profile and I put up a relatively decent picture but not over the top. I got many responses in a matter of a day and I was shocked at how many people actually showed interest.
I felt as though, ok well this might be easier than going out to meet guys somewhere. I sent a few replies and had short conversations with a couple men, but most of them died out with lack of interest and I felt grossed out by a whole lot of others. There are some characters that just make you feel horrible. Anyway, after a day or two, I started to feel really down and crap about the whole online thing as though even in a cyber world I was only attracting creepy old guys, and I was about to delete my profile when I started a conversation with one guy.
He seemed like a normal human being and his picture wasn't really that good looking, but he wasn't that bad. He asked me out and I said fine, and so I went out with him today.
When I first met him, I figured he wasn't as good looking as his photos, and he also was the same height as I was and I was wearing flats. This wasn't so great for me actually because I want to wear heels every now and then and its not great when you are taller than the guy. But I don't want to be superficial, so I can overlook this quality. Anyway the date was fine, he was interesting to talk to, we walked about the city and he paid for the lunch we had. Overall it was fine. At the end of the day, he said he would like to meet me again and I said "sure", but deep down inside my gut I knew I didn't really want to take this further. It wasn't because he was short, or because he wasn't interesting enough or because he wasn't as good looking as his picture. None of those things really mattered. It was because I am still in love with Kevin. I came home thinking that the date was a pretty good one, but I felt this sinking feeling in my heart of guilt. Guilt! why guilt? I just couldn't help it, every bone in my body felt anxiety and just overall remorse of the whole date.
Ugh! why? why is it just not possible for me to have a fulfilling time with somebody who is a good normal and decent guy?
Sigh... I hate this process... and I want to move on, but I don't want to move on. I just feel like crap. Crap! I tell you, Crap!
I just want my love back. Nothing seems to compare to my lost love.
I want to cry
God! so pathetic....
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
How to stop myself
Today was just one of those days that was just total shit. Class was lame, the day was cold, i felt overall crappy, i got my period and just everything just seemed like rubbish all day. I couldnt help but feel once again the whole depression and i know it was because i got that email from Mark (kevin's best friend). I just was slingshot back into the past and i remembered and relived all the mistakes and regrets and shoulda, coulda, woulda 's..... Sigh!
I tried to soothe myself by walking around the city doing some window shopping and so forth, but that just made me feel bad about myself. I saw a reflection of myself in the glass of the shops and i thought to myself. "You look like such a loser". Looking around this city, there are tonnes of young healthy trendy individuals with cool, chic fall looks. The women all dressed in their cute fashion forward fall outfits and their nicely tailored jackets and cool boots. The men all have a European flare to their looks all put together and walk around debonair and smooth. But there I was, in my unflattering washed out jeans, with my misfitting jacket, my old sneakers, disheveled hair and looking unhealthily thin as a rail. I looked so 'non' put together, so 'non' fashionable and so 'non' valuable. I felt my esteem plummet through the floor to an all time low and i just came home. I felt terrible about about everything in my life and then I felt like a pathetic spoilt whiney bitch.
I know my situation is not the worst and I also know that I have so many things that I can be very grateful for and take advantage of. However, I just feel as though I need a kick in the ass to get my act together. I know I feel like shit always. It seems to be a permanent feeling these past few months, and on a regular day I can somewhat force myself to "seem normal". But today, it was not happening. I cried on my walk home from the bus. I dont even know why I was crying, it was just so dumb, but i couldn't help it. I couldn't help but feel as though I was just so low, and i needed some help. Something, to get me, at the very least, feeling ok about myself and not feel like a complete loser. Something needs to be done, and i know the only person who can do something about me is me. Where to start? I don't even know. For some reason i cant even muster up the motivation to shave my legs or tweeze my eyebrows. It all seems like such a feat. I look like a female Sasquatch and i dont even care. But i do care, because i looked at myself in that shop window pain today and i felt ashamed and low. So obviously it bothers me and i should do something about it.
I just need to pull it together. "Pull it together!" i shout to myself...and I mentally tell myself that when i get home i will start the process of looking after myself.
Yet, I got home and didnt do shit. I just slept. I am wasting my life, but I dont know how to stop myself.
I tried to soothe myself by walking around the city doing some window shopping and so forth, but that just made me feel bad about myself. I saw a reflection of myself in the glass of the shops and i thought to myself. "You look like such a loser". Looking around this city, there are tonnes of young healthy trendy individuals with cool, chic fall looks. The women all dressed in their cute fashion forward fall outfits and their nicely tailored jackets and cool boots. The men all have a European flare to their looks all put together and walk around debonair and smooth. But there I was, in my unflattering washed out jeans, with my misfitting jacket, my old sneakers, disheveled hair and looking unhealthily thin as a rail. I looked so 'non' put together, so 'non' fashionable and so 'non' valuable. I felt my esteem plummet through the floor to an all time low and i just came home. I felt terrible about about everything in my life and then I felt like a pathetic spoilt whiney bitch.
I know my situation is not the worst and I also know that I have so many things that I can be very grateful for and take advantage of. However, I just feel as though I need a kick in the ass to get my act together. I know I feel like shit always. It seems to be a permanent feeling these past few months, and on a regular day I can somewhat force myself to "seem normal". But today, it was not happening. I cried on my walk home from the bus. I dont even know why I was crying, it was just so dumb, but i couldn't help it. I couldn't help but feel as though I was just so low, and i needed some help. Something, to get me, at the very least, feeling ok about myself and not feel like a complete loser. Something needs to be done, and i know the only person who can do something about me is me. Where to start? I don't even know. For some reason i cant even muster up the motivation to shave my legs or tweeze my eyebrows. It all seems like such a feat. I look like a female Sasquatch and i dont even care. But i do care, because i looked at myself in that shop window pain today and i felt ashamed and low. So obviously it bothers me and i should do something about it.
I just need to pull it together. "Pull it together!" i shout to myself...and I mentally tell myself that when i get home i will start the process of looking after myself.
Yet, I got home and didnt do shit. I just slept. I am wasting my life, but I dont know how to stop myself.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Parts
Today i got 2 emails from people connected to kevin. The first email was an email from the friend of mine who actually introduced us. Now, even though she is not really on kevin's side nor mine and she has taken neutral ground and doesnt discuss the break up with me for fear of getting to involved, every time i hear from her, kevin comes into mind. We had a short email exchange and it was a normal friendly one, but like i said there is always a reminder of kevin. The other email today i received from kevin's gay friend who just wanted to "check up on me". Once again this guy always has ulterior motives, so i never know what to expect from him. I replied with a casual one liner as if to just give a reply. I do not want to give him too many details as my previous encounter with him a few weeks ago involved him slandering my name on facebook.
Anyway, these 2 emails totally threw me off as I was definitely having a bad week to begin with, and now, well this. It is truly not the content of these emails that threw me off, but more of the reminder of the life i lost and wish i still had. These things can really be like a blow to the stomach because they sort of suck you back to a moment when you were wounded and suffering. I do not feel as though I have healed those wounds as yet and a blow to the stomach just rips the stitches wide open again.
I am hoping that this round, it is a little easier to cope with the pain and sort of move forward than before. I realize that I will always love kevin, but he will never love me. It is best for me to move on. So i just force myself to smile, to say im fine, to wake up and go do something productive everyday until one day it is no longer forcing. Until i can just do it without having to mentally will myself to do it. Until it is habit. Can I "habit" myself into forgetting somebody? Is that even possible?
Maybe life is a series of habits, like coping with your problems until the coping is just habitual. I don't even know what to think of that. However, it is sad to think that I am just forcing myself to be 'fine' with something that i am not 'fine' with truly in my heart. I feel it is a disservice to my natural self. As though I am betraying the hopeless romantic part of me. But, life is not always rainbows, sunshine and happy endings, life is always uncertain and full of ups and downs. I guess betraying one part of me is somewhat accepting another part of me. It is as if I'm finding survival in leaning on the part of me that is set in hard facts and reality, and letting go of the whimsical, faith part of me for the moment. It seems as though I am giving up piece of myself for the time being. I don't really feel like if i am whole without my whimsical side. But for now the only side that allows me to heal is using the hard facts reality side.
I hope that doing this doesn't lead me astray and too far away from my whimsical side, but rather will bring me back to it in time, and I can be whole again.
Maybe life is a series of habits, like coping with your problems until the coping is just habitual. I don't even know what to think of that. However, it is sad to think that I am just forcing myself to be 'fine' with something that i am not 'fine' with truly in my heart. I feel it is a disservice to my natural self. As though I am betraying the hopeless romantic part of me. But, life is not always rainbows, sunshine and happy endings, life is always uncertain and full of ups and downs. I guess betraying one part of me is somewhat accepting another part of me. It is as if I'm finding survival in leaning on the part of me that is set in hard facts and reality, and letting go of the whimsical, faith part of me for the moment. It seems as though I am giving up piece of myself for the time being. I don't really feel like if i am whole without my whimsical side. But for now the only side that allows me to heal is using the hard facts reality side.
I hope that doing this doesn't lead me astray and too far away from my whimsical side, but rather will bring me back to it in time, and I can be whole again.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
This cant be all!
Somehow I always tend to write a blog on the days that I feel crappy. I don't seem to write anything on days that seem to have gone by when I am ok. Maybe this is normal, or maybe it is a good sign that I do have some better days. I don't really know. Anyway, as you can tell from this blog beginning, today wasn't such a hot day. In fact it was a down right shitty day. It started out ok, with the exception of somehow waking up to the thoughts and hopes that I wanted to get back together with Kevin. Once again, I am in the throws of delusional thinking where my thoughts convince me that "if only he would take me back, things would be different and better".
Wong! Fucking Wrong!
The truth is that it would be a complete mess, and who wants to go back into something that would be ruined when there are options of starting afresh? Nobody with an ounce of sense wants that - but today I was the idiot with no sense who wanted it. Sigh!
There is always something to learn from relationships and the experiences that you have in life.... and the truth is that I cannot figure out for the life of me what I am learning from this. Aside from the fact that I am learning lots and lots of small things... example things from the country, from being with my sister and being around her family and being around her husband and being away from NZ and being on my own and being in new classes (I signed up for a couple classes for a month) and etc. However, I am still trying to figure out what I actually learnt from kevin dumping me. Yes, I know that the surface lessons are there, example I should have been more honest with him from the get go. But the truth is, I was always planning to hand over everything and bare it all to him, but he just dumped me before I could. I just cant help but feel as though that the pain I experienced through this ordeal should be matched by an equally riveting and enlightening lesson as the return. But yet, so far, my lessons are not "ground breaking" or "life changing" or "spiritually enlightening". So far the lessons have been good and offered me self discovery, but I don't think that they are worth the trauma and pain that I am going through to get to here. All of this just keeps sending me back to the thought that it was all just a waste of time. Even though people say these things are never a waste. I honestly feel that it was a big waste for me. I feel as though I gave up everything for this man, and only to be shut down and left for nothing, left for dead. And on top of that I never even got a proper chance to sort things out, to clean up the mess I made or even make things right. I just feel over all robbed. Robbed of the life I had built previously to meeting kevin, and robbed of the life I had while I was with kevin. I feel like I am just back to square one and being a poor student having to start life from scratch again. When I am totally no longer a student nor do I want to even be categorized at that level anymore. I am fucking 31 yrs old, and I need to get my life under control for fuck's sake.
Where is the lesson in this whole thing? I mean I could have learnt so many of the things I am learning now in a different way. Why did I have to learn all these things after having gone through such a horrific trauma? I feel like this whole ordeal could have been evaded if I never moved to NZ to be with kevin to begin with. If I had never even set foot in NZ... and if I had just not met him and lived my life as it was before I met him. I cant help but feel as though I could have easily learned all these lessons somehow and sometime, without the traumatic pain that I am in now.
Today I feel like total shit, like why am I even in this mess? seriously, this cannot be all that I am learning from this whole thing? It cannot jus be all these small lessons that I could have learnt via alternative means. There must be a bigger lesson amidst it all.
Something has to be worth all the pain and agony and heartache, it cant all be a waste. Can it?
Wong! Fucking Wrong!
The truth is that it would be a complete mess, and who wants to go back into something that would be ruined when there are options of starting afresh? Nobody with an ounce of sense wants that - but today I was the idiot with no sense who wanted it. Sigh!
There is always something to learn from relationships and the experiences that you have in life.... and the truth is that I cannot figure out for the life of me what I am learning from this. Aside from the fact that I am learning lots and lots of small things... example things from the country, from being with my sister and being around her family and being around her husband and being away from NZ and being on my own and being in new classes (I signed up for a couple classes for a month) and etc. However, I am still trying to figure out what I actually learnt from kevin dumping me. Yes, I know that the surface lessons are there, example I should have been more honest with him from the get go. But the truth is, I was always planning to hand over everything and bare it all to him, but he just dumped me before I could. I just cant help but feel as though that the pain I experienced through this ordeal should be matched by an equally riveting and enlightening lesson as the return. But yet, so far, my lessons are not "ground breaking" or "life changing" or "spiritually enlightening". So far the lessons have been good and offered me self discovery, but I don't think that they are worth the trauma and pain that I am going through to get to here. All of this just keeps sending me back to the thought that it was all just a waste of time. Even though people say these things are never a waste. I honestly feel that it was a big waste for me. I feel as though I gave up everything for this man, and only to be shut down and left for nothing, left for dead. And on top of that I never even got a proper chance to sort things out, to clean up the mess I made or even make things right. I just feel over all robbed. Robbed of the life I had built previously to meeting kevin, and robbed of the life I had while I was with kevin. I feel like I am just back to square one and being a poor student having to start life from scratch again. When I am totally no longer a student nor do I want to even be categorized at that level anymore. I am fucking 31 yrs old, and I need to get my life under control for fuck's sake.
Where is the lesson in this whole thing? I mean I could have learnt so many of the things I am learning now in a different way. Why did I have to learn all these things after having gone through such a horrific trauma? I feel like this whole ordeal could have been evaded if I never moved to NZ to be with kevin to begin with. If I had never even set foot in NZ... and if I had just not met him and lived my life as it was before I met him. I cant help but feel as though I could have easily learned all these lessons somehow and sometime, without the traumatic pain that I am in now.
Today I feel like total shit, like why am I even in this mess? seriously, this cannot be all that I am learning from this whole thing? It cannot jus be all these small lessons that I could have learnt via alternative means. There must be a bigger lesson amidst it all.
Something has to be worth all the pain and agony and heartache, it cant all be a waste. Can it?
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Past, Future...... Present
After being around a bit, I am now back in Montreal and have enrolled in some French classes. I am taking the opportunity now to do something new, focused and different. I was hoping that this will help me get passed my desire to still be with kevin and also use this time when I am not working to grow in a way that I would not normally be able to while being stuck in the 8 to 5 working grind. The french classes are great, except most of the people I have met in these classes are all 18, 19 and 20 years old. It is difficult to have interesting conversations with these people beyond the surface stuff of movies and music. I remember being just like them while i was at University, but i know now that I am sort of beyond those years by about a decade. So admittedly, i still feel very lonely.
However, the classes have given me a chance to find a distraction in my life and also sort of experience some of the country at a different level. I have not truly done much while i have been here aside from the usual touristy sort of things, and I could be making better use of my time. However, somehow i just am not the hugely adventurous type and I do not often find the courage to venture out on my own.
The funny thing about my classes and everything is that I did this to help distract myself from my lost relationship and create new memories with fun times. However, for some reason, I have been missing kevin even more than usual. I try to convince myself that this is best to move on and forget. However, I find this very painful. I seem to not want to leg go of it all. I dont want to let go of kevin or the idea of my New Zealand life, or the relationship I had or the past life I was in. I feel as though it somehow makes me who I am and if I were to let go of it then I will no longer be somebody I want to be.
It is a complicated mind trick that I play on myself - Everyday I tell myself it is better to find a new life than go back to the past one. However, I still have this niggling feeling inside that tells me "Dont let go because it is who you are, you can go back to it".
I find it extremely uncomfortable that i cannot just move past this. Only because I imagine that it is so easy for kevin to just move on. He is probably enjoying a new girlfriend by now and planning a wedding and kids with somebody who is not me. I feel like an idiot most days telling myself one thing and believing something else. I feel like somewhat of a 'poser' in my own life. Pretending to be experiencing life and learning a new language and travelling around the country. When in reality I havent really done anything at all and all that goes on in my mind is "I feel so lost".
My sister told me today that she feels as though she wishes she had somebody to tell her what to do with her life. She said sometimes she feels lost. This actually shocked me out of my skin - Only because I have been so envious of her life these past few weeks and seeing her is what I want for me. I guess everybody feels kind of lost in their lives from time to time. Why do we always feel lost? Does anybody ever not feel this way?
It is difficult to figure out what life really means to us and what do we want from it. I think also it means so many different things to each person and it also changes from time to time. For me, today, all i want is my life back with kevin. I want to get married and have a family of my own. For my sister, today, she already has what I want, so her desires are different now. I guess this is all part of human nature, and we will always want more than what we have. Perhaps this is what makes us a progressive species - never being satisfied with what we have at the present moment is maybe what makes the modern humans so advanced in so many ways. But yet, with all these advancements, we still feel lost and dissatisfied with what we have.
I have read a couple self help books and most of them say to "appreciate the present moments" for it is what will truly satisfy you. "Let go of the past", "stop worrying about the future", "just live right now" are some of the most frequent cliched advice summaries about how to find happiness.
However, the questions I keep asking myself these days about myself are difficult for me to answer - How do I feel happy in the now? How do I forget about the past and future, and only focus on what is present. Maybe if I did that I would feel happier with myself and life. Maybe I will feel less lost. I dont know how to begin to do this, because for me, it is clear with my recent 'poser' behavior - No matter how much I try to live in the present.... my past still haunts me.... and my future still scares me.
However, the classes have given me a chance to find a distraction in my life and also sort of experience some of the country at a different level. I have not truly done much while i have been here aside from the usual touristy sort of things, and I could be making better use of my time. However, somehow i just am not the hugely adventurous type and I do not often find the courage to venture out on my own.
The funny thing about my classes and everything is that I did this to help distract myself from my lost relationship and create new memories with fun times. However, for some reason, I have been missing kevin even more than usual. I try to convince myself that this is best to move on and forget. However, I find this very painful. I seem to not want to leg go of it all. I dont want to let go of kevin or the idea of my New Zealand life, or the relationship I had or the past life I was in. I feel as though it somehow makes me who I am and if I were to let go of it then I will no longer be somebody I want to be.
It is a complicated mind trick that I play on myself - Everyday I tell myself it is better to find a new life than go back to the past one. However, I still have this niggling feeling inside that tells me "Dont let go because it is who you are, you can go back to it".
I find it extremely uncomfortable that i cannot just move past this. Only because I imagine that it is so easy for kevin to just move on. He is probably enjoying a new girlfriend by now and planning a wedding and kids with somebody who is not me. I feel like an idiot most days telling myself one thing and believing something else. I feel like somewhat of a 'poser' in my own life. Pretending to be experiencing life and learning a new language and travelling around the country. When in reality I havent really done anything at all and all that goes on in my mind is "I feel so lost".
My sister told me today that she feels as though she wishes she had somebody to tell her what to do with her life. She said sometimes she feels lost. This actually shocked me out of my skin - Only because I have been so envious of her life these past few weeks and seeing her is what I want for me. I guess everybody feels kind of lost in their lives from time to time. Why do we always feel lost? Does anybody ever not feel this way?
It is difficult to figure out what life really means to us and what do we want from it. I think also it means so many different things to each person and it also changes from time to time. For me, today, all i want is my life back with kevin. I want to get married and have a family of my own. For my sister, today, she already has what I want, so her desires are different now. I guess this is all part of human nature, and we will always want more than what we have. Perhaps this is what makes us a progressive species - never being satisfied with what we have at the present moment is maybe what makes the modern humans so advanced in so many ways. But yet, with all these advancements, we still feel lost and dissatisfied with what we have.
I have read a couple self help books and most of them say to "appreciate the present moments" for it is what will truly satisfy you. "Let go of the past", "stop worrying about the future", "just live right now" are some of the most frequent cliched advice summaries about how to find happiness.
However, the questions I keep asking myself these days about myself are difficult for me to answer - How do I feel happy in the now? How do I forget about the past and future, and only focus on what is present. Maybe if I did that I would feel happier with myself and life. Maybe I will feel less lost. I dont know how to begin to do this, because for me, it is clear with my recent 'poser' behavior - No matter how much I try to live in the present.... my past still haunts me.... and my future still scares me.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Perception on a train
I have not written in a while because I have not had consistent internet access these past few days. I have moved around a bit. I was in Montreal with my sister and now I have taken the train to Toronto to visit my brother. I will only stay with my brother for a few days, but it is good to get around a bit. This time of staying with different members of my family has given me great perspective on what i can learn from them and how they have changed over the years.
My journey to Toronto was simple, I took a train from the train station at Montreal, it was a 6 hour journey then arrived in the city. I then had to take a smaller go train to the suburbs of where my brother lives.
It was strange taking this journey. The train ride was pretty simple, i sat near the huge window and i watched all the trees go by. It is now turning into fall, so the fields are dotted with the first sign of turning red leaves. It was interesting to watch the landscape of this country, I heard somebody in the cabin say "It's beautiful" and I thought to myself. This was nothing like what I had grown accustomed to seeing in New Zealand. New Zealand landscape is spectacular to say the least. It made me miss the country that i had run from, and i felt pangs of guilt to have left it so abruptly without saying my proper goodbyes. In the carriage about 6 seats ahead were 2 sets of older couples. Americans! They talked the entire 6 hours so loudly that even i knew the details of their journey. They boasted about how they "traveled the world" and that they have been "everywhere", but when you listened closely to their story, they never even left the North American continent and set foot on an airplane. Listening to these old people talk, I wondered about myself and felt a slight bit of irritation for their lack of insight into other countries in the real world. After the first hour, their voices began to get highly annoying rather than interesting and I blocked them out with my music.
Once I arrived in Toronto, I further took a small transit train to the suburbs where my brother lives. This go train was packed with people commuting to and from the city center. It was close to rush hour so there were many different working class people. This time the people I was surrounded by were men in suits, and women in heels. There were iphones, blackberrys and samsungs everywhere. There were scores of men with earpieces in their ears discussing some "very important work stuff". There were endless texting and time killing games on different smartphones. There were newspapers and kindles for those who preferred to read and the corridor of the train was littered with briefcases of all sizes. I observed the people around me. I could remember a time in my life when I would look at these pretty women in heels with their office jobs and power suits and think "i would like to be like that". However, that is in the distant past and this is not what i want for myself now.
There was a moment on that train where i looked around and I unintentionally said out loud "I just don't belong here". A guy heard me and looked across briefly and the returned to his messaging on his phone.
All i could really think of was that i don't belong in a country like this. I just don't. I am not those women in heels with power jobs and I don't want to be either. I want more from life than just commuting back and forth to work on a train with my smartphone as my company. I want something simpler and more meaningful. Yes i do want to still be up to date and own a smart phone and I do want to know about the latest gadgets and how to use them. But I don't want it the way these people have it.
This was when i genuinely missed New Zealand, i missed the kids and the farms and the open paddocks and sheep. I remember when i was with kevin thinking New Zealand was too much of a "farm country" for me and I wanted something more "city", but in this moment I realized that in my heart I really dont want the city. I miss the simple lifestyle of genuine outdoors appeal. I miss the ruggedness of the kiwi culture and the beauty of their country. I miss not only the farmlands but the honesty of the lifestyle.
It was the first time I thought to myself that I would like to return to New Zealand, but this time - not for kevin, but for me.
My journey to Toronto was simple, I took a train from the train station at Montreal, it was a 6 hour journey then arrived in the city. I then had to take a smaller go train to the suburbs of where my brother lives.
It was strange taking this journey. The train ride was pretty simple, i sat near the huge window and i watched all the trees go by. It is now turning into fall, so the fields are dotted with the first sign of turning red leaves. It was interesting to watch the landscape of this country, I heard somebody in the cabin say "It's beautiful" and I thought to myself. This was nothing like what I had grown accustomed to seeing in New Zealand. New Zealand landscape is spectacular to say the least. It made me miss the country that i had run from, and i felt pangs of guilt to have left it so abruptly without saying my proper goodbyes. In the carriage about 6 seats ahead were 2 sets of older couples. Americans! They talked the entire 6 hours so loudly that even i knew the details of their journey. They boasted about how they "traveled the world" and that they have been "everywhere", but when you listened closely to their story, they never even left the North American continent and set foot on an airplane. Listening to these old people talk, I wondered about myself and felt a slight bit of irritation for their lack of insight into other countries in the real world. After the first hour, their voices began to get highly annoying rather than interesting and I blocked them out with my music.
Once I arrived in Toronto, I further took a small transit train to the suburbs where my brother lives. This go train was packed with people commuting to and from the city center. It was close to rush hour so there were many different working class people. This time the people I was surrounded by were men in suits, and women in heels. There were iphones, blackberrys and samsungs everywhere. There were scores of men with earpieces in their ears discussing some "very important work stuff". There were endless texting and time killing games on different smartphones. There were newspapers and kindles for those who preferred to read and the corridor of the train was littered with briefcases of all sizes. I observed the people around me. I could remember a time in my life when I would look at these pretty women in heels with their office jobs and power suits and think "i would like to be like that". However, that is in the distant past and this is not what i want for myself now.
There was a moment on that train where i looked around and I unintentionally said out loud "I just don't belong here". A guy heard me and looked across briefly and the returned to his messaging on his phone.
All i could really think of was that i don't belong in a country like this. I just don't. I am not those women in heels with power jobs and I don't want to be either. I want more from life than just commuting back and forth to work on a train with my smartphone as my company. I want something simpler and more meaningful. Yes i do want to still be up to date and own a smart phone and I do want to know about the latest gadgets and how to use them. But I don't want it the way these people have it.
This was when i genuinely missed New Zealand, i missed the kids and the farms and the open paddocks and sheep. I remember when i was with kevin thinking New Zealand was too much of a "farm country" for me and I wanted something more "city", but in this moment I realized that in my heart I really dont want the city. I miss the simple lifestyle of genuine outdoors appeal. I miss the ruggedness of the kiwi culture and the beauty of their country. I miss not only the farmlands but the honesty of the lifestyle.
It was the first time I thought to myself that I would like to return to New Zealand, but this time - not for kevin, but for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)