Through the Dark

Its been 6 weeks since we broke up and i have to say my feelings have not changed much. The only new stages are that i have decided to leave NZ for a while. I am too alone and lonely and i cannot function as a whole person. I do not know if i will ever return to NZ, but for now i find great difficulty in looking after myself and everything here is connected to Kevin, it is daily torture. I need to get away from it all. My health has faded, my performance at work has become a problem and i do not have any close friends or family here who i can surround myself with to help me through the loneliness and pain.
My money is low, and i cannot see much improvement in sight.
My sister has invited me to stay with her in Canada for some time while i can get my self back to an appropriate standard of human being. I feel relieved that my family is there to support me and i am grateful for at least that even though they are on the opposite side of the planet.

My goals this week are to sell my car and close off my accounts and buy my ticket to Canada. Once i can get this done, i will be on my way to building back something of myself surrounded by people who care about me instead of just on my own.
I hope to continue this blog and note the stages of me getting through this. All the advice says that i will come out the other side better than before, but for now i feel like its impossible. I hope this blog can sustain me and help me as i claw my way through the dark.

To disappear or to die

As much as I pretend to not be an emotional girl on the outside. My feelings truly rule my life. Once i am unhappy about something, my life is affected greatly. My eating, my sleeping, my work, my social ability and everything.
I spent weeks of sleepless nights, not eating properly, in tears and wondering "why?" thinking that i could never forgive myself. thinking that i would never be able to recover from this breakup.

I questioned everything in my power. Why did i act this way? Why did i even need to message Julian when i had a perfectly great man with me? What was i thinking? I wasnt thinking. I felt like a slut who betrayed her man. I felt guilt. I felt shame. I felt regret. I felt that i was the worst person in the world. How could i treat the man i loved like this? if he did this to me i would be devastated beyond repair. Who am i? I am the type of woman i told myself i would never be?

I didnt have any answers to these questions. I had answers but all of the answers did nothing to make me feel better or justify my actions. I felt horrible. My heart was broken into many pieces and on top of my broken heart i added on extra negative feelings of guilt, remorse, regret and shame.
I was in agony. Bleeding. I had nobody to talk to because i was alone in a different country. All i could think of was that he was doing great and happy to live his life with the support of his family and friends while i was just in total ruins alone. All i wanted was to thrash around on the floor and kick and scream and bawl and cry. Not even that was good enough for me... i wanted to disappear or to die.

3 Weeks In

After my breakup with Kevin. I tried to get myself to work and tried to work through my days. I was in shock and denial and thought that this was just a dream that i would wake up from. But i never woke up. I decided to write down my feelings on paper and thought to myself maybe if i explained to him the reasons for my actions then he would forgive me.

So i spent 3 weeks working on writing all about the things i want in my life and the things i struggled with moving to NZ and the things that i figured would lead me to working things out with him.

3 weeks into it, he agreed to meet me. We met and i confessed all my insecurities and desires and apologies and his response to it all was that he wanted to forget it and move on.

I was crushed again. Not only crushed but all the hope that i used to survive the 3 weeks of waiting to see him again was removed and i was left with just a void and pain in my heart.

I left this encounter with what i can only describe as paralyzing agony.

The Beginning of the End

Hi, my name is Maia, and i guess to start this blog i will give you a background information on myself. I am presently 31 yrs old and originally from an island in the Caribbean. 3 years ago, I had a great life there and was very happy. One day, a man walked into my life. A man that i never thought i would ever meet and a man that i was immediately smitten by. I had never felt such feelings for anybody like this before and i was totally dumbstruck by him. His name is Kevin.
I could go into the details of what happened and all sorts. But i will just cut to the chase. He was from New Zealand and he was moving back to his home country. After a long time of contemplating the pros and cons. I was prepared to give up my life in the Caribbean and move to be with him. It was a huge step, i had my own business, i had my life established, friends and family. However, i felt something in my gut about kevin and i just took the plunge. I wanted to marry him and have a family with him.

I moved to NZ 1 year ago. It was hard to be with him. Living with a new person, in a new country, halfway around the globe foreign to anything that i knew. I had no friends, no family and had to work in a minimum wage job. Life was pretty shitty compared to what i was living before. But i never wanted to complain, i just wanted to get on with things because i wanted to be with Kevin.

Cut to present day. Kevin dumped me, kicked me out of his house and i am absolutely devastated. His reasons for dumping me may have been valid to some and non valid to others. However, I accept full responsibility for my actions. You see, I had been messaging a "friend" of mine on whatsapp chat for years sending back and forth flirty messages with sexual innuendos. This guy's name is Julian. I had met Julian 5 years ago while studying in London. I met Julian even before i even knew kevin. Julian and I always had a flirty back and forth communication with each other in sort of a fantasy world. We always thought of it as fun and games because we knew we would never be together and never even wanted to be together, we just enjoyed the "game" of pretending. I never had any sexual relations with Julian aside from just chatting and we always thought of it as very entertaining interaction escaping the real world. Julian and I knew we would never be together, we never even really wanted to be together, we never had sex with each other or even really wanted to have sex with each other. We were just totally different people pretending to be something crazy in the cyber world. It was all a dumb game to me.

Anyway, kevin read my messages to Julian one day and was absolutely devastated. He immediately kicked me out and labelled me a cheater. He said he couldn't recover from this betrayal and he would never be able to forgive me. I had nothing to say to him

That was my breakup.

I was left alone in the middle of New Zealand with nowhere to live and nowhere to go. I was in shock and denial. i hadnt made any friends in NZ beside one girl. I ended up finding salvation in her and slept on the floor of her room for 2 days while i tried to get my own place. I found a place to stay for a while and attempted to pick up the pieces.

This was in the darkest moment of my life.