Ordinary Dreams

Well, I am finally in Canada with my sister and her kids. It has been a very long journey and I am tired on all levels of my being - emotionally, physically, mentally.
I spent most of the day sleeping and then hanging out with the kids. A boy Sach -6yrs and a girl Klo 9 yrs. Its been so nice seeing them after not seeing them in a few years. They have grown beautifully into some creative, independent, wild and free kids. I love that about them, and I should take lessons from them.

I can't say if being here is good or bad as yet, so for now I will say it is a "change". I feel relieved to be with my sister and have at least one decent home cooked meal for the day. Eating is definitely much easier with the kids around and no matter how sad i feel, hearing what they have to say can make me smile. Kids can do that to you because they can evoke so much love inside your heart that u cant deny it.

During the day I had bouts of sadness, mostly because I had always anticipated being here with kevin. kevin never met this sister of mine or her kids and I was always so anxious for kevin and I to travel together to Canada and for him to meet them. I wish he did because he would learn so much more about me if he knew my family better.

I still feel deep wounds from this break up and I am slowly trying to separate my dreams with kevin from my reality. It is difficult for me because I have this feeling like he is still there, like i can skype him or call him... and that in a few weeks i can fly back to NZ be with him and kiss him, cuddle with him and make love to him. But I can't.... :(

When will I accept this reality? I don't know for sure. Right now I haven't. I have changed so many things outside of me - clothes, food, environment, company... but inside of me it is still the same. Deep in my heart I still have a feeling of hope. Like one day he will walk back into my life. Like he was meant for me. I wish I didn't have this hope. Its sort of a false hope that keeps me in limbo. My mind is not in sync with my emotions and I cant say for sure which one is the liar.

Being here with my sister reminds me again of what I want in my life. I want to get married, have a house, have kids and raise a family. Even all her frustrations and complaints about house and kids and husband - i feel envious of them, because I know this is what i want too. I think i have always wanted to be a mum even since i was a little girl. I never had any huge aspirations of being anything outrageous. I always dreamed to just be a mother and have a beautiful family. It seems so ordinary, or even like a "less than" desire to those feminists out there. I'm not saying that I am not able to be a career woman. I am educated, intelligent and independent. I have University degrees, work experience and many attributes to being a strong independent woman. I can make my own money and be self sufficient in life. I have done all of this. However, I know that deep down inside all I really want is my own family. My own husband and kids. My own little wolf pack.

This is why I feel so gutted about my breakup with Kevin. Kevin for me was the first man who met the requirements that I was willing to accept as a man that would father my children. It might seem superficial and shallow, but it is true. He was the perfect specimen for me. I'm not saying he is a perfect individual by any means. However, his perfection lay within the qualities that he possessed that I wanted to accept  and pass onto my own children. I know kevin is not the only man in the world who can be perfect. However, I truly did feel in my heart I had found the one who was it for me.

I know I need to let go and start afresh. It is just very hard to let go.

From Auckland To Los Angeles

Well, I've got a long flight behind me, a long layover and a long flight ahead. So I will warn you that my time has been spent and will probably be spent mostly blogging, so don't be surprised if you see multiple posts today or at least very long posts.

From Auckland to Los Angeles.

After my sobbing session through the whole airport in Auckland I managed to dry my tears while sitting down at the gates to board the plane. I was early, so I chose an isolated position in the corner to hide my swollen eyes and red cheeks. As the gate filled with people all excited in anticipation of boarding, a man came to sit next to me. He looked rather 'rough' but this isn't unusual for New Zealand men.

He smelt of cigarettes and beer. He turned to me after a minute or two.
"D'yasmerk?" he asked. I didn't understand what the hell he said but i kind of put two and two together.
"Smoke? No, I don't smoke, sorry". I replied.

I initially thought that would have been the end of the conversation, but surprisingly this was the beginning of a long one. His name was Emmett, a 42 year old Australian bush guy. He looked rough, smelled rough, dressed rough, spoke rough and acted rough. Don't get me wrong he was a nice guy and he really did cheer me up with his "G'day mate" attitude, but he did look like he was just wrestling some crocodiles a few minutes before. We spoke all the way till the plane was ready to board, mostly him talking about himself and his love for alcohol and sport while I just nodded and made tiny contributions here and there. He was a funny guy. He was definitely very friendly and he did enjoy chatting. As we boarded the plane, Emmett decided that he was going to ask the guy next to me to switch seats so he could sit next to me.

Now, I wasn't really sure where this was going, because I didn't think that I had made any great attempt to be overly chatty and interested in what he had to say, especially in my present pathetic disposition of heartbreak I hardly made any effort at all, but i guess there was something Emmett was keen on finding out.

I was in for a long flight I thought because it was a 12 hour journey and I was sitting next to a guy who chose to sit next to me when all i really wanted was to curl up and cry on my own.
The conversation between us went smoothly. He was an interesting guy, and he loved to talk about his accomplishments, carefree living and crazy encounters.
His present journey comprised of flying from Perth Australia to Auckland to LA to Newark to watch a boxing match and then head back to the airport at Newark to LA to Auckland to return to Perth Australia on the same day. His total journey was taking 4 days long and he was only spending 6 hours at his destination to watch a boxing match.
What a crazy bastard? Who wants to do that? Who even does that? He never gave me a satisfactory explanation beside "why not? Its boxing!".

This guy was bizarre and he obviously took a liking to chatting with me. Perhaps because of my great conversational skills (Not! I'm lacking in this area) or my great looks (Not! I look like an emaciated corpse in my current depressive state) or my wonderful personality (Not! I wasn't very engaging to be honest).  I cant say I know why he enjoyed chatting but he kept on chatting and I learnt all about his life in Australia, his wife, his dogs, his parrots, his lack of ability to have kids with his wife, his heroic moments of saving people's lives by performing CPR, his days as a security guard at a casino and his encounters with heroin addicts overdosing and dying. Let's just say, the guy loved to tell his stories.

I wasn't unhappy to hear his stories. In fact it was somewhat refreshing to have different conversation with somebody that wasn't related to my break up. I felt appreciation for this guy. He saved me from being a complete wreck the whole flight. I eventually was forced to tell him my sad story of breaking up (I tried to keep it brief), to which he replied "that guy is stupid to dump you".  It was nice to have a stranger say this to me, but at the same time it wasn't really comforting other than on a superficial level of being polite.

After a few hours on the flight, the conversation tapered off. I was glad because I did want to get some sleep. However, as I slowly fell asleep I thought about this encounter and what it revealed to me. It had very little to do with this Emmett guy but everything to do with me. It revealed things to me about myself. I am beginning to recognize that each encounter that I have with random people during this time is a reflection of myself and what I would like to work on within me. They are all mirrors. I see things about myself that I hadn't seen before. Some are good things and some are bad things, but I feel as though it is only now that I am in this position of being stripped down to this naked state that I can actually see these things about me. I never saw them before.

I am bare, transparent to the skeleton both physically and emotionally. Is this what it is all about? Is it only from this place of zero that you can really be sure to start solid foundation? I honestly don't know for sure, I'm still searching for my own answers amongst it all.

But I guess the point of pivoting from where I am now is "How am I going to build myself into the woman I always wanted to be?"

Is it running or closure?

Well I managed to get my self together enough to close off most of my things in NZ and buy myself a ticket to Canada. Whereas I know I have to leave in order to help myself through my loneliness and heartbreak, I also feel extremely sad to say goodbye to NZ.
I spent the last year learning and living in NZ and even though there were many things that were unfamiliar to me, i was slowly conditioning myself to live in NZ and start a family with kevin. I spent the last 3 years knowing (or believing) i would marry him, and i spent the last year accepting and building my life in NZ.
It is hard to say goodbye to this dream now. It is actually harder than I thought.
NZ was always an unusual place for me, I found it riddled with oxymorons (yeah, nah! - NZers know what i mean), but I was just beginning to enjoy it as being part of who I was to become. I find myself saying that I may come back, but I also find it hard to separate NZ from kevin.

Packing all my stuff, getting to the airport and getting on the plane was very hard for me. I had anxiety, sadness and my mind scrolled through hundreds of my memories both happy and sad. I sobbed most of the way through baggage check in, baggage screening and to the gate. Its actually not so bad to be sobbing at the airport, people just think you are sad to leave friends and family behind. This is sort of what I was sad about, except it wasn't people i was sad to leave behind but a life that I was very hopeful and optimistic about. I secretly tell myself that i can come back anytime that i want, and this is true, i can! But will i really want to? The dilemma I face now is the fear of moving on. I feel as though if i am still sad and depressed about the breakup and still wanting to get back together, then maybe it will still happen. If i completely move on and let go, then i will have to say goodbye to my dreams of being with kevin completely and somehow this would cheapen the experience and life I had/want with him.

This is a mental struggle I face at the moment - The desire to get better contrasting with the desire to desperately hold on. Leaving NZ is a right step (at least for a while until I can find my feet again). But I am SCARED SHITLESS of what will happen now. I know in my mind what I would like to happen, but I dont know what life will deliver me.
So I am afraid. Afraid of closure and afraid of running away.

Haunted by teenage decisions

Some days I feel ok and I feel there has been some improvement. But there are moments like now where my heart reminds me with great conviction that I am not ok. I miss him so much. All i want is my life back. It may not have been perfect but it sure is better than what I am living now.

I feel like a stuck record in these moments. Like i keep saying the same things over and over. Having the same thoughts over and over. Having the same feelings over and over. Doing the same things over and over. I feel like there is nobody to talk to. Nobody who says anything that makes me feel like there is a greater meaning to all of this. It is such a mental battle and i troll the internet for forums, videos, talks, articles, anything that can justify everything that i think. But of course not even that makes me feel better.

All I want right now is to get back together with him. I think i will be able to talk him into being with me again. That i will be able to convince him that we can work it out. These are classic breakup symptoms. Symptoms that show I have not accepted the reality that he is done with me.
How can I accept that? My brain has been hardwired to be with him for years. To marry him, to love him, to sort through problems with him. How do I un-hardwire my brain?

Relationships have always been extremely important to me.... I always pretend that they are not, but this is usually a defensive action because I am afraid to let people see how vulnerable I actually am.
I try to be 'nonchalant' and play the 'cool' card,  and talk to some people like if i don't care that much, like its no big deal, like if I am apathetic towards it ...... my actions make me look like I'm aloof, like I don't give a damn, like I could easily do without this relationship in my life ... and I do this intentionally to people who don't know me very well (the outskirts of my friends) ... I do this to mask my true feelings to the outside world.. I am afraid to let the world see that I am in fact truly vulnerable and open for hurt.
I am not this way with everybody. The people who I consider my close friends and family I am very honest with, and they know my true feelings but that is a very tiny number .....

Why do I act this way? I know I act this way because I honestly care so much and I am afraid of being so hurt. The level of hurt I can experience from allowing myself to be so vulnerable is catastrophic and I truly don't want the world to see me like that (or at least the casual friend). I don't mind my family or best friend seeing me like that, but I certainly don't want the rest of the world to see me that way.

I don't want people to know that I am vulnerable, and can be easily hurt by something so simple. They will think I am weak and pathetic, and nobody gets by in life being weak and pathetic. I've felt this way for most of my life. I can remember being 14 years old and being extremely hurt in high-school after revealing my weakness... I was attacked emotionally and cried for days and days .... In retrospect, the actual thing I was teased about was so dumb, but back then it seemed so important. After being emotionally wounded, I then made the decision to never do that again, to never reveal my weakness, to act like I don't care because this was the best way to hide that I do care.... It was a way to deflect the bullets away from me, to not be a target. It was the best way to get through the battlefields of adolescent insecurity.... I was insecure then... and today I still do it because I am insecure now...

I am not always insecure, but I am not immune to insecurity. The things I am insecure the most about are the things that I care most about... and I can see a pattern arising that these are the moments when I pull out the "whatever, I don't care" card to protect myself.

However, the very action of "seeming like I don't care" to self preserve leads me towards losing what I care about most. Because to kevin it seemed like I didn't give a shit about him ... no matter what I did to convince him otherwise, my actions to the outside world spoke very loudly and clearly ..... He wont ever know that there is complexity and simplicity behind it all ... that there is a reason for me being this way ....  and if he ever does find out, I doubt he would even care now, because the damage is already done.

The irony of life can really strangle you.

Sleep is my friend as well as my foe

Sleep is my friend as well as my foe. I have had weeks of fitful sleep that has been plagued with nightmares and demons. I find it hard to get to sleep but my body is desperate for it. The physical indications of lack of rest presents itself throughout my entire body. My eyes are red, my skin is sallow, my body is weak and unattended, my bones show through my thin flesh. I am embarrassed with how I look. I feel like only the shell of a woman who used to shine and smile and sparkle. Where did all of this go? Kevin doesn't actually have it. Even though I feel he has stolen it from me, I know I still have it somewhere inside of me, I have just chosen to lock it away in a tight little box deep inside me. I've hidden it so well and disguised it as something else that now i cant find it or even find the strength to look for the key.

I know this is self punishment, and the only sufferer in this battle is me.  My mind knows it only too well, but my emotions struggle with believing what my mind already knows. How do I force my feelings to catch up to my mind? Sometimes, i do find solace in sleep. Those are the times when my dreams last more than 15 minutes and they don't include kevin or related topics or when they aren't full of nightmares that give me anxiety.  Sleep has brought me comfort in these moments, where i feel my body can be at peace.

Then I wake up! Ugh....
Waking up is the worse part of it all. As I surface from my sleep, I can feel my conscious mind being activated. Hearing comes first, my brain quickly switches on each of my senses one by one. It only takes a few milliseconds for everything to boot up but I am aware during this time. I feel ok while my brain runs through the start up process, but then a few milliseconds later i open my eyes. I see where i am, I am conscious now and the memories of the present gets flooded back to my mind. Its like a wave that runs through my whole body. My stomach immediately clenches and despair washes over me once more. Its like a flood of sudden emotion that can be briefly crippling.
I feel sad all over again and i momentarily relive the past events through my memories that suddenly flash across my mind. It makes me ill when this happens and it only takes a second. I hate this repeated experience of reliving the past like if it was new. It is almost like I was unaware of my life while i was at rest and then i was suddenly faced with the devastating news for the first time.

When will I accept the reality and move past this stage?

I need my sleep, but I hate waking up.

Baggage

Minutes tick by like hours and my eyes cannot find sleep nor can my mind find solace. I decided to clear out and pack up some of my stuff to clean up my tiny room in preparation of leaving. I do not have a leaving date yet, but i pray it will be very soon. As soon as i can sell my car i will leave this country for a while. 

I go through my stuff and all of it seems like dead weight. All my clothes, my shoes, my little priceless items that hold so much sentimental value just seems like dead weight now. Everything that i have hauled back and forth to and from New Zealand and the Caribbean over the past 3 years feels so heavy with emotion.

Why do i need all of these things? 

They are just all the reminders of a life i used to have before i came to NZ that are now tarnished with memories of the life i lived in NZ. I feel to get rid of it all. To throw it all away. Thousands of dollars of stuff to just get rid of. I've already wasted thousands and thousands of dollars with this relationship, why not waste a few more?

Is this my rational mind speaking? I doubt it. Will i have regrets of tossing it all? or will this be a purging of the negatives? I am riddled with indecisiveness. The past years seem like such a waste. Wasted money, wasted effort, wasted energy, wasted love and wasted life. Wasted! Wasted! Wasted!

Perhaps getting rid of all these things will be like starting over. I am already starting over now, why not start over with new stuff as well? Why not just start with only one suit of clothes and a toothbrush? The only problem is that new stuff costs money and i have little of that right now. 

But who cares about money when you have a bleeding heart to tend to.

Loss is still Loss

Insomnia has taken a hold of me and i lay in bed and my mind flutters from thought to thought to thought. I miss my Kevin as a lay alone under the sheets. I wish he were next to me or me next to him to feel his warm body pressed close to mine. I force myself to think that he is no longer a part of my life and that i need to build new memories... the reality sets in and i cant see beyond the blurry lonely present into the future and i long for the past.

It is weird how emotions can control so much of me. How can i let myself be so absorbed by what i feel? There are so many people in this world (including kevin) who can  go through life as normal without having their emotions tug at the rest of their being. Even if something happens, he can eat, sleep, work, function as normal as if nothing ever happened. Why cant i be like that?

I wish i could compartmentalize my life - one part for feelings, one part for work, one part for exercise, one part for eating, one part for relationships, one part for fun and etc. If i were made up like this then i assume that even though one area of my life is not working, the others aren't affected. However, the reality of the situation is that for me, its all connected, all intersected. Like multiple waterfalls that connect different pools. They each flow into the other. Once one pool gets a little dirty, it just spreads to everything else.

How can I try to separate my life into areas and not let them all be affected? Im not sure.
I remember feeling lost like this years and years ago when my father died suddenly. It was a moment i had never anticipated and i truly had a difficult time getting through that period. However, when i look back at it, most of that year/s was a blur. I can barely even remember the year at all far less getting through it. All i can actually remember is feeling really bad when it happened and then feeling "kinda ok" after about 2 years. However, for the life of me i cannot remember the journey in between and how i managed to get through it.Those 2 years are somewhat of a mystery and all i can recall are moments of despair and horror, but nothing of the recovery or healing. I just know i recovered somehow.

Sometimes i feel slightly ashamed to compare losing kevin to the death of my father. Yes, i love kevin very much, but kevin isn't dead. Death is so much more severe than breaking up. Yet the feelings are so similar.

I guess the feeling of loss is still loss and very much present..... but with a breakup i still feel as though there is something that can be done about it but whereas with death i could have accepted the finality of the loss, because it was totally out of my control...

Does the added lack of finality mean that breaking up feels worse?