I have not written in a while because I have not had consistent internet access these past few days. I have moved around a bit. I was in Montreal with my sister and now I have taken the train to Toronto to visit my brother. I will only stay with my brother for a few days, but it is good to get around a bit. This time of staying with different members of my family has given me great perspective on what i can learn from them and how they have changed over the years.
My journey to Toronto was simple, I took a train from the train station at Montreal, it was a 6 hour journey then arrived in the city. I then had to take a smaller go train to the suburbs of where my brother lives.
It was strange taking this journey. The train ride was pretty simple, i sat near the huge window and i watched all the trees go by. It is now turning into fall, so the fields are dotted with the first sign of turning red leaves. It was interesting to watch the landscape of this country, I heard somebody in the cabin say "It's beautiful" and I thought to myself. This was nothing like what I had grown accustomed to seeing in New Zealand. New Zealand landscape is spectacular to say the least. It made me miss the country that i had run from, and i felt pangs of guilt to have left it so abruptly without saying my proper goodbyes. In the carriage about 6 seats ahead were 2 sets of older couples. Americans! They talked the entire 6 hours so loudly that even i knew the details of their journey. They boasted about how they "traveled the world" and that they have been "everywhere", but when you listened closely to their story, they never even left the North American continent and set foot on an airplane. Listening to these old people talk, I wondered about myself and felt a slight bit of irritation for their lack of insight into other countries in the real world. After the first hour, their voices began to get highly annoying rather than interesting and I blocked them out with my music.
Once I arrived in Toronto, I further took a small transit train to the suburbs where my brother lives. This go train was packed with people commuting to and from the city center. It was close to rush hour so there were many different working class people. This time the people I was surrounded by were men in suits, and women in heels. There were iphones, blackberrys and samsungs everywhere. There were scores of men with earpieces in their ears discussing some "very important work stuff". There were endless texting and time killing games on different smartphones. There were newspapers and kindles for those who preferred to read and the corridor of the train was littered with briefcases of all sizes. I observed the people around me. I could remember a time in my life when I would look at these pretty women in heels with their office jobs and power suits and think "i would like to be like that". However, that is in the distant past and this is not what i want for myself now.
There was a moment on that train where i looked around and I unintentionally said out loud "I just don't belong here". A guy heard me and looked across briefly and the returned to his messaging on his phone.
All i could really think of was that i don't belong in a country like this. I just don't. I am not those women in heels with power jobs and I don't want to be either. I want more from life than just commuting back and forth to work on a train with my smartphone as my company. I want something simpler and more meaningful. Yes i do want to still be up to date and own a smart phone and I do want to know about the latest gadgets and how to use them. But I don't want it the way these people have it.
This was when i genuinely missed New Zealand, i missed the kids and the farms and the open paddocks and sheep. I remember when i was with kevin thinking New Zealand was too much of a "farm country" for me and I wanted something more "city", but in this moment I realized that in my heart I really dont want the city. I miss the simple lifestyle of genuine outdoors appeal. I miss the ruggedness of the kiwi culture and the beauty of their country. I miss not only the farmlands but the honesty of the lifestyle.
It was the first time I thought to myself that I would like to return to New Zealand, but this time - not for kevin, but for me.
