How to stop myself

Today was just one of those days that was just total shit. Class was lame, the day was cold, i felt overall crappy, i got my period and just everything just seemed like rubbish all day. I couldnt help but feel once again the whole depression and i know it was because i got that email from Mark (kevin's best friend). I just was slingshot back into the past and i remembered and relived all the mistakes and regrets and shoulda, coulda, woulda 's..... Sigh!

I tried to soothe myself by walking around the city doing some window shopping and so forth,  but that just made me feel bad about myself. I saw a reflection of myself in the glass of the shops and i thought to myself. "You look like such a loser". Looking around this city, there are tonnes of young healthy trendy individuals with cool, chic fall looks. The women all dressed in their cute fashion forward fall outfits and their nicely tailored jackets and cool boots. The men all have a European flare to their looks all put together and walk around debonair and smooth. But there I was, in my unflattering washed out jeans, with my misfitting jacket, my old sneakers, disheveled hair and looking unhealthily thin as a rail. I looked so 'non' put together, so 'non' fashionable and so 'non' valuable. I felt my esteem plummet through the floor to an all time low and i just came home. I felt terrible about about everything in my life and then I felt like a pathetic spoilt whiney bitch.

I know my situation is not the worst and I also know that I have so many things that I can be very grateful for and take advantage of. However, I just feel as though I need a kick in the ass to get my act together. I know I feel like shit always. It seems to be a permanent feeling these past few months, and on a regular day I can somewhat force myself to "seem normal". But today, it was not happening. I cried on my walk home from the bus. I dont even know why I was crying, it was just so dumb, but i couldn't help it. I couldn't help but feel as though I was just so low, and i needed some help. Something, to get me, at the very least, feeling ok about myself and not feel like a complete loser. Something needs to be done, and i know the only person who can do something about me is me. Where to start? I don't even know. For some reason i cant even muster up the motivation to shave my legs or tweeze my eyebrows. It all seems like such a feat. I look like a female Sasquatch and i dont even care. But i do care, because i looked at myself in that shop window pain today and i felt ashamed and low. So obviously it bothers me and i should do something about it.

I just need to pull it together. "Pull it together!" i shout to myself...and I mentally tell myself that when i get home i will start the process of looking after myself.
Yet, I got home and didnt do shit. I just slept. I am wasting my life, but I dont know how to stop myself.

Parts

Today i got 2 emails from people connected to kevin. The first email was an email from the friend of mine who actually introduced us. Now, even though she is not really on kevin's side nor mine and she has taken neutral ground and doesnt discuss the break up with me for fear of getting to involved, every time i hear from her, kevin comes into mind. We had a short email exchange and it was a normal friendly one, but like i said there is always a reminder of kevin. The other email today i received from kevin's gay friend who just wanted to "check up on me". Once again this guy always has ulterior motives, so i never know what to expect from him. I replied with a casual one liner as if to just give a reply. I do not want to give him too many details as my previous encounter with him a few weeks ago involved him slandering my name on  facebook.

Anyway, these 2 emails totally threw me off as I was definitely having a bad week to begin with, and now, well this. It is truly not the content of these emails that threw me off, but more of the reminder of the life i lost and wish i still had. These things can really be like a blow to the stomach because they sort of suck you back to a moment when you were wounded and suffering. I do not feel as though I have healed those wounds as yet and a blow to the stomach just rips the stitches wide open again. 

I am hoping that this round, it is a little easier to cope with the pain and sort of move forward than before. I realize that I will always love kevin, but he will never love me. It is best for me to move on. So i just force myself to smile, to say im fine, to wake up and go do something productive everyday until one day it is no longer forcing. Until i can just do it without having to mentally will myself to do it. Until it is habit. Can I "habit" myself into forgetting somebody? Is that even possible?

Maybe life is a series of habits, like coping with your problems until the coping is just habitual. I don't even know what to think of that. However, it is sad to think that I am just forcing myself to be 'fine' with something that i am not 'fine' with truly in my heart. I feel it is a disservice to my natural self. As though I am betraying the hopeless romantic part of me. But, life is not always rainbows, sunshine and happy endings, life is always uncertain and full of ups and downs. I guess betraying one part of me is somewhat accepting another part of me. It is as if I'm finding survival in leaning on the part of me that is set in hard facts and reality, and letting go of the whimsical, faith part of me for the moment. It seems as though I am giving up piece of myself for the time being. I don't really feel like if i am whole without my whimsical side. But for now the only side that allows me to heal is using the hard facts reality side.
I hope that doing this doesn't lead me astray and too far away from my whimsical side, but rather will bring me back to it in time, and I can be whole again.