Well, I am finally in Canada with my sister and her kids. It has been a very long journey and I am tired on all levels of my being - emotionally, physically, mentally.
I spent most of the day sleeping and then hanging out with the kids. A boy Sach -6yrs and a girl Klo 9 yrs. Its been so nice seeing them after not seeing them in a few years. They have grown beautifully into some creative, independent, wild and free kids. I love that about them, and I should take lessons from them.
I can't say if being here is good or bad as yet, so for now I will say it is a "change". I feel relieved to be with my sister and have at least one decent home cooked meal for the day. Eating is definitely much easier with the kids around and no matter how sad i feel, hearing what they have to say can make me smile. Kids can do that to you because they can evoke so much love inside your heart that u cant deny it.
During the day I had bouts of sadness, mostly because I had always anticipated being here with kevin. kevin never met this sister of mine or her kids and I was always so anxious for kevin and I to travel together to Canada and for him to meet them. I wish he did because he would learn so much more about me if he knew my family better.
I still feel deep wounds from this break up and I am slowly trying to separate my dreams with kevin from my reality. It is difficult for me because I have this feeling like he is still there, like i can skype him or call him... and that in a few weeks i can fly back to NZ be with him and kiss him, cuddle with him and make love to him. But I can't.... :(
When will I accept this reality? I don't know for sure. Right now I haven't. I have changed so many things outside of me - clothes, food, environment, company... but inside of me it is still the same. Deep in my heart I still have a feeling of hope. Like one day he will walk back into my life. Like he was meant for me. I wish I didn't have this hope. Its sort of a false hope that keeps me in limbo. My mind is not in sync with my emotions and I cant say for sure which one is the liar.
Being here with my sister reminds me again of what I want in my life. I want to get married, have a house, have kids and raise a family. Even all her frustrations and complaints about house and kids and husband - i feel envious of them, because I know this is what i want too. I think i have always wanted to be a mum even since i was a little girl. I never had any huge aspirations of being anything outrageous. I always dreamed to just be a mother and have a beautiful family. It seems so ordinary, or even like a "less than" desire to those feminists out there. I'm not saying that I am not able to be a career woman. I am educated, intelligent and independent. I have University degrees, work experience and many attributes to being a strong independent woman. I can make my own money and be self sufficient in life. I have done all of this. However, I know that deep down inside all I really want is my own family. My own husband and kids. My own little wolf pack.
This is why I feel so gutted about my breakup with Kevin. Kevin for me was the first man who met the requirements that I was willing to accept as a man that would father my children. It might seem superficial and shallow, but it is true. He was the perfect specimen for me. I'm not saying he is a perfect individual by any means. However, his perfection lay within the qualities that he possessed that I wanted to accept and pass onto my own children. I know kevin is not the only man in the world who can be perfect. However, I truly did feel in my heart I had found the one who was it for me.
I know I need to let go and start afresh. It is just very hard to let go.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
From Auckland To Los Angeles
Well, I've got a long flight behind me, a long layover and a long flight ahead. So I will warn you that my time has been spent and will probably be spent mostly blogging, so don't be surprised if you see multiple posts today or at least very long posts.
From Auckland to Los Angeles.
After my sobbing session through the whole airport in Auckland I managed to dry my tears while sitting down at the gates to board the plane. I was early, so I chose an isolated position in the corner to hide my swollen eyes and red cheeks. As the gate filled with people all excited in anticipation of boarding, a man came to sit next to me. He looked rather 'rough' but this isn't unusual for New Zealand men.
He smelt of cigarettes and beer. He turned to me after a minute or two.
"D'yasmerk?" he asked. I didn't understand what the hell he said but i kind of put two and two together.
"Smoke? No, I don't smoke, sorry". I replied.
I initially thought that would have been the end of the conversation, but surprisingly this was the beginning of a long one. His name was Emmett, a 42 year old Australian bush guy. He looked rough, smelled rough, dressed rough, spoke rough and acted rough. Don't get me wrong he was a nice guy and he really did cheer me up with his "G'day mate" attitude, but he did look like he was just wrestling some crocodiles a few minutes before. We spoke all the way till the plane was ready to board, mostly him talking about himself and his love for alcohol and sport while I just nodded and made tiny contributions here and there. He was a funny guy. He was definitely very friendly and he did enjoy chatting. As we boarded the plane, Emmett decided that he was going to ask the guy next to me to switch seats so he could sit next to me.
Now, I wasn't really sure where this was going, because I didn't think that I had made any great attempt to be overly chatty and interested in what he had to say, especially in my present pathetic disposition of heartbreak I hardly made any effort at all, but i guess there was something Emmett was keen on finding out.
I was in for a long flight I thought because it was a 12 hour journey and I was sitting next to a guy who chose to sit next to me when all i really wanted was to curl up and cry on my own.
The conversation between us went smoothly. He was an interesting guy, and he loved to talk about his accomplishments, carefree living and crazy encounters.
His present journey comprised of flying from Perth Australia to Auckland to LA to Newark to watch a boxing match and then head back to the airport at Newark to LA to Auckland to return to Perth Australia on the same day. His total journey was taking 4 days long and he was only spending 6 hours at his destination to watch a boxing match.
What a crazy bastard? Who wants to do that? Who even does that? He never gave me a satisfactory explanation beside "why not? Its boxing!".
This guy was bizarre and he obviously took a liking to chatting with me. Perhaps because of my great conversational skills (Not! I'm lacking in this area) or my great looks (Not! I look like an emaciated corpse in my current depressive state) or my wonderful personality (Not! I wasn't very engaging to be honest). I cant say I know why he enjoyed chatting but he kept on chatting and I learnt all about his life in Australia, his wife, his dogs, his parrots, his lack of ability to have kids with his wife, his heroic moments of saving people's lives by performing CPR, his days as a security guard at a casino and his encounters with heroin addicts overdosing and dying. Let's just say, the guy loved to tell his stories.
I wasn't unhappy to hear his stories. In fact it was somewhat refreshing to have different conversation with somebody that wasn't related to my break up. I felt appreciation for this guy. He saved me from being a complete wreck the whole flight. I eventually was forced to tell him my sad story of breaking up (I tried to keep it brief), to which he replied "that guy is stupid to dump you". It was nice to have a stranger say this to me, but at the same time it wasn't really comforting other than on a superficial level of being polite.
After a few hours on the flight, the conversation tapered off. I was glad because I did want to get some sleep. However, as I slowly fell asleep I thought about this encounter and what it revealed to me. It had very little to do with this Emmett guy but everything to do with me. It revealed things to me about myself. I am beginning to recognize that each encounter that I have with random people during this time is a reflection of myself and what I would like to work on within me. They are all mirrors. I see things about myself that I hadn't seen before. Some are good things and some are bad things, but I feel as though it is only now that I am in this position of being stripped down to this naked state that I can actually see these things about me. I never saw them before.
I am bare, transparent to the skeleton both physically and emotionally. Is this what it is all about? Is it only from this place of zero that you can really be sure to start solid foundation? I honestly don't know for sure, I'm still searching for my own answers amongst it all.
But I guess the point of pivoting from where I am now is "How am I going to build myself into the woman I always wanted to be?"
From Auckland to Los Angeles.
After my sobbing session through the whole airport in Auckland I managed to dry my tears while sitting down at the gates to board the plane. I was early, so I chose an isolated position in the corner to hide my swollen eyes and red cheeks. As the gate filled with people all excited in anticipation of boarding, a man came to sit next to me. He looked rather 'rough' but this isn't unusual for New Zealand men.
He smelt of cigarettes and beer. He turned to me after a minute or two.
"D'yasmerk?" he asked. I didn't understand what the hell he said but i kind of put two and two together.
"Smoke? No, I don't smoke, sorry". I replied.
I initially thought that would have been the end of the conversation, but surprisingly this was the beginning of a long one. His name was Emmett, a 42 year old Australian bush guy. He looked rough, smelled rough, dressed rough, spoke rough and acted rough. Don't get me wrong he was a nice guy and he really did cheer me up with his "G'day mate" attitude, but he did look like he was just wrestling some crocodiles a few minutes before. We spoke all the way till the plane was ready to board, mostly him talking about himself and his love for alcohol and sport while I just nodded and made tiny contributions here and there. He was a funny guy. He was definitely very friendly and he did enjoy chatting. As we boarded the plane, Emmett decided that he was going to ask the guy next to me to switch seats so he could sit next to me.
Now, I wasn't really sure where this was going, because I didn't think that I had made any great attempt to be overly chatty and interested in what he had to say, especially in my present pathetic disposition of heartbreak I hardly made any effort at all, but i guess there was something Emmett was keen on finding out.
I was in for a long flight I thought because it was a 12 hour journey and I was sitting next to a guy who chose to sit next to me when all i really wanted was to curl up and cry on my own.
The conversation between us went smoothly. He was an interesting guy, and he loved to talk about his accomplishments, carefree living and crazy encounters.
His present journey comprised of flying from Perth Australia to Auckland to LA to Newark to watch a boxing match and then head back to the airport at Newark to LA to Auckland to return to Perth Australia on the same day. His total journey was taking 4 days long and he was only spending 6 hours at his destination to watch a boxing match.
What a crazy bastard? Who wants to do that? Who even does that? He never gave me a satisfactory explanation beside "why not? Its boxing!".
This guy was bizarre and he obviously took a liking to chatting with me. Perhaps because of my great conversational skills (Not! I'm lacking in this area) or my great looks (Not! I look like an emaciated corpse in my current depressive state) or my wonderful personality (Not! I wasn't very engaging to be honest). I cant say I know why he enjoyed chatting but he kept on chatting and I learnt all about his life in Australia, his wife, his dogs, his parrots, his lack of ability to have kids with his wife, his heroic moments of saving people's lives by performing CPR, his days as a security guard at a casino and his encounters with heroin addicts overdosing and dying. Let's just say, the guy loved to tell his stories.
I wasn't unhappy to hear his stories. In fact it was somewhat refreshing to have different conversation with somebody that wasn't related to my break up. I felt appreciation for this guy. He saved me from being a complete wreck the whole flight. I eventually was forced to tell him my sad story of breaking up (I tried to keep it brief), to which he replied "that guy is stupid to dump you". It was nice to have a stranger say this to me, but at the same time it wasn't really comforting other than on a superficial level of being polite.
After a few hours on the flight, the conversation tapered off. I was glad because I did want to get some sleep. However, as I slowly fell asleep I thought about this encounter and what it revealed to me. It had very little to do with this Emmett guy but everything to do with me. It revealed things to me about myself. I am beginning to recognize that each encounter that I have with random people during this time is a reflection of myself and what I would like to work on within me. They are all mirrors. I see things about myself that I hadn't seen before. Some are good things and some are bad things, but I feel as though it is only now that I am in this position of being stripped down to this naked state that I can actually see these things about me. I never saw them before.
I am bare, transparent to the skeleton both physically and emotionally. Is this what it is all about? Is it only from this place of zero that you can really be sure to start solid foundation? I honestly don't know for sure, I'm still searching for my own answers amongst it all.
But I guess the point of pivoting from where I am now is "How am I going to build myself into the woman I always wanted to be?"
Is it running or closure?
Well I managed to get my self together enough to close off most of my things in NZ and buy myself a ticket to Canada. Whereas I know I have to leave in order to help myself through my loneliness and heartbreak, I also feel extremely sad to say goodbye to NZ.
I spent the last year learning and living in NZ and even though there were many things that were unfamiliar to me, i was slowly conditioning myself to live in NZ and start a family with kevin. I spent the last 3 years knowing (or believing) i would marry him, and i spent the last year accepting and building my life in NZ.
It is hard to say goodbye to this dream now. It is actually harder than I thought.
NZ was always an unusual place for me, I found it riddled with oxymorons (yeah, nah! - NZers know what i mean), but I was just beginning to enjoy it as being part of who I was to become. I find myself saying that I may come back, but I also find it hard to separate NZ from kevin.
Packing all my stuff, getting to the airport and getting on the plane was very hard for me. I had anxiety, sadness and my mind scrolled through hundreds of my memories both happy and sad. I sobbed most of the way through baggage check in, baggage screening and to the gate. Its actually not so bad to be sobbing at the airport, people just think you are sad to leave friends and family behind. This is sort of what I was sad about, except it wasn't people i was sad to leave behind but a life that I was very hopeful and optimistic about. I secretly tell myself that i can come back anytime that i want, and this is true, i can! But will i really want to? The dilemma I face now is the fear of moving on. I feel as though if i am still sad and depressed about the breakup and still wanting to get back together, then maybe it will still happen. If i completely move on and let go, then i will have to say goodbye to my dreams of being with kevin completely and somehow this would cheapen the experience and life I had/want with him.
This is a mental struggle I face at the moment - The desire to get better contrasting with the desire to desperately hold on. Leaving NZ is a right step (at least for a while until I can find my feet again). But I am SCARED SHITLESS of what will happen now. I know in my mind what I would like to happen, but I dont know what life will deliver me.
So I am afraid. Afraid of closure and afraid of running away.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Haunted by teenage decisions
Some days I feel ok and I feel there has been some improvement. But there are moments like now where my heart reminds me with great conviction that I am not ok. I miss him so much. All i want is my life back. It may not have been perfect but it sure is better than what I am living now.
I feel like a stuck record in these moments. Like i keep saying the same things over and over. Having the same thoughts over and over. Having the same feelings over and over. Doing the same things over and over. I feel like there is nobody to talk to. Nobody who says anything that makes me feel like there is a greater meaning to all of this. It is such a mental battle and i troll the internet for forums, videos, talks, articles, anything that can justify everything that i think. But of course not even that makes me feel better.
All I want right now is to get back together with him. I think i will be able to talk him into being with me again. That i will be able to convince him that we can work it out. These are classic breakup symptoms. Symptoms that show I have not accepted the reality that he is done with me.
How can I accept that? My brain has been hardwired to be with him for years. To marry him, to love him, to sort through problems with him. How do I un-hardwire my brain?
Relationships have always been extremely important to me.... I always pretend that they are not, but this is usually a defensive action because I am afraid to let people see how vulnerable I actually am.
I try to be 'nonchalant' and play the 'cool' card, and talk to some people like if i don't care that much, like its no big deal, like if I am apathetic towards it ...... my actions make me look like I'm aloof, like I don't give a damn, like I could easily do without this relationship in my life ... and I do this intentionally to people who don't know me very well (the outskirts of my friends) ... I do this to mask my true feelings to the outside world.. I am afraid to let the world see that I am in fact truly vulnerable and open for hurt.
I am not this way with everybody. The people who I consider my close friends and family I am very honest with, and they know my true feelings but that is a very tiny number .....
Why do I act this way? I know I act this way because I honestly care so much and I am afraid of being so hurt. The level of hurt I can experience from allowing myself to be so vulnerable is catastrophic and I truly don't want the world to see me like that (or at least the casual friend). I don't mind my family or best friend seeing me like that, but I certainly don't want the rest of the world to see me that way.
I don't want people to know that I am vulnerable, and can be easily hurt by something so simple. They will think I am weak and pathetic, and nobody gets by in life being weak and pathetic. I've felt this way for most of my life. I can remember being 14 years old and being extremely hurt in high-school after revealing my weakness... I was attacked emotionally and cried for days and days .... In retrospect, the actual thing I was teased about was so dumb, but back then it seemed so important. After being emotionally wounded, I then made the decision to never do that again, to never reveal my weakness, to act like I don't care because this was the best way to hide that I do care.... It was a way to deflect the bullets away from me, to not be a target. It was the best way to get through the battlefields of adolescent insecurity.... I was insecure then... and today I still do it because I am insecure now...
I am not always insecure, but I am not immune to insecurity. The things I am insecure the most about are the things that I care most about... and I can see a pattern arising that these are the moments when I pull out the "whatever, I don't care" card to protect myself.
However, the very action of "seeming like I don't care" to self preserve leads me towards losing what I care about most. Because to kevin it seemed like I didn't give a shit about him ... no matter what I did to convince him otherwise, my actions to the outside world spoke very loudly and clearly ..... He wont ever know that there is complexity and simplicity behind it all ... that there is a reason for me being this way .... and if he ever does find out, I doubt he would even care now, because the damage is already done.
The irony of life can really strangle you.
I feel like a stuck record in these moments. Like i keep saying the same things over and over. Having the same thoughts over and over. Having the same feelings over and over. Doing the same things over and over. I feel like there is nobody to talk to. Nobody who says anything that makes me feel like there is a greater meaning to all of this. It is such a mental battle and i troll the internet for forums, videos, talks, articles, anything that can justify everything that i think. But of course not even that makes me feel better.
All I want right now is to get back together with him. I think i will be able to talk him into being with me again. That i will be able to convince him that we can work it out. These are classic breakup symptoms. Symptoms that show I have not accepted the reality that he is done with me.
How can I accept that? My brain has been hardwired to be with him for years. To marry him, to love him, to sort through problems with him. How do I un-hardwire my brain?
Relationships have always been extremely important to me.... I always pretend that they are not, but this is usually a defensive action because I am afraid to let people see how vulnerable I actually am.
I try to be 'nonchalant' and play the 'cool' card, and talk to some people like if i don't care that much, like its no big deal, like if I am apathetic towards it ...... my actions make me look like I'm aloof, like I don't give a damn, like I could easily do without this relationship in my life ... and I do this intentionally to people who don't know me very well (the outskirts of my friends) ... I do this to mask my true feelings to the outside world.. I am afraid to let the world see that I am in fact truly vulnerable and open for hurt.
I am not this way with everybody. The people who I consider my close friends and family I am very honest with, and they know my true feelings but that is a very tiny number .....
Why do I act this way? I know I act this way because I honestly care so much and I am afraid of being so hurt. The level of hurt I can experience from allowing myself to be so vulnerable is catastrophic and I truly don't want the world to see me like that (or at least the casual friend). I don't mind my family or best friend seeing me like that, but I certainly don't want the rest of the world to see me that way.
I don't want people to know that I am vulnerable, and can be easily hurt by something so simple. They will think I am weak and pathetic, and nobody gets by in life being weak and pathetic. I've felt this way for most of my life. I can remember being 14 years old and being extremely hurt in high-school after revealing my weakness... I was attacked emotionally and cried for days and days .... In retrospect, the actual thing I was teased about was so dumb, but back then it seemed so important. After being emotionally wounded, I then made the decision to never do that again, to never reveal my weakness, to act like I don't care because this was the best way to hide that I do care.... It was a way to deflect the bullets away from me, to not be a target. It was the best way to get through the battlefields of adolescent insecurity.... I was insecure then... and today I still do it because I am insecure now...
I am not always insecure, but I am not immune to insecurity. The things I am insecure the most about are the things that I care most about... and I can see a pattern arising that these are the moments when I pull out the "whatever, I don't care" card to protect myself.
However, the very action of "seeming like I don't care" to self preserve leads me towards losing what I care about most. Because to kevin it seemed like I didn't give a shit about him ... no matter what I did to convince him otherwise, my actions to the outside world spoke very loudly and clearly ..... He wont ever know that there is complexity and simplicity behind it all ... that there is a reason for me being this way .... and if he ever does find out, I doubt he would even care now, because the damage is already done.
The irony of life can really strangle you.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Sleep is my friend as well as my foe
Sleep is my friend as well as my foe. I have had weeks of fitful sleep that has been plagued with nightmares and demons. I find it hard to get to sleep but my body is desperate for it. The physical indications of lack of rest presents itself throughout my entire body. My eyes are red, my skin is sallow, my body is weak and unattended, my bones show through my thin flesh. I am embarrassed with how I look. I feel like only the shell of a woman who used to shine and smile and sparkle. Where did all of this go? Kevin doesn't actually have it. Even though I feel he has stolen it from me, I know I still have it somewhere inside of me, I have just chosen to lock it away in a tight little box deep inside me. I've hidden it so well and disguised it as something else that now i cant find it or even find the strength to look for the key.
I know this is self punishment, and the only sufferer in this battle is me. My mind knows it only too well, but my emotions struggle with believing what my mind already knows. How do I force my feelings to catch up to my mind? Sometimes, i do find solace in sleep. Those are the times when my dreams last more than 15 minutes and they don't include kevin or related topics or when they aren't full of nightmares that give me anxiety. Sleep has brought me comfort in these moments, where i feel my body can be at peace.
Then I wake up! Ugh....
Waking up is the worse part of it all. As I surface from my sleep, I can feel my conscious mind being activated. Hearing comes first, my brain quickly switches on each of my senses one by one. It only takes a few milliseconds for everything to boot up but I am aware during this time. I feel ok while my brain runs through the start up process, but then a few milliseconds later i open my eyes. I see where i am, I am conscious now and the memories of the present gets flooded back to my mind. Its like a wave that runs through my whole body. My stomach immediately clenches and despair washes over me once more. Its like a flood of sudden emotion that can be briefly crippling.
I feel sad all over again and i momentarily relive the past events through my memories that suddenly flash across my mind. It makes me ill when this happens and it only takes a second. I hate this repeated experience of reliving the past like if it was new. It is almost like I was unaware of my life while i was at rest and then i was suddenly faced with the devastating news for the first time.
When will I accept the reality and move past this stage?
I need my sleep, but I hate waking up.
I know this is self punishment, and the only sufferer in this battle is me. My mind knows it only too well, but my emotions struggle with believing what my mind already knows. How do I force my feelings to catch up to my mind? Sometimes, i do find solace in sleep. Those are the times when my dreams last more than 15 minutes and they don't include kevin or related topics or when they aren't full of nightmares that give me anxiety. Sleep has brought me comfort in these moments, where i feel my body can be at peace.
Then I wake up! Ugh....
Waking up is the worse part of it all. As I surface from my sleep, I can feel my conscious mind being activated. Hearing comes first, my brain quickly switches on each of my senses one by one. It only takes a few milliseconds for everything to boot up but I am aware during this time. I feel ok while my brain runs through the start up process, but then a few milliseconds later i open my eyes. I see where i am, I am conscious now and the memories of the present gets flooded back to my mind. Its like a wave that runs through my whole body. My stomach immediately clenches and despair washes over me once more. Its like a flood of sudden emotion that can be briefly crippling.
I feel sad all over again and i momentarily relive the past events through my memories that suddenly flash across my mind. It makes me ill when this happens and it only takes a second. I hate this repeated experience of reliving the past like if it was new. It is almost like I was unaware of my life while i was at rest and then i was suddenly faced with the devastating news for the first time.
When will I accept the reality and move past this stage?
I need my sleep, but I hate waking up.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Baggage
Minutes tick by like hours and my eyes cannot find sleep nor can my mind find solace. I decided to clear out and pack up some of my stuff to clean up my tiny room in preparation of leaving. I do not have a leaving date yet, but i pray it will be very soon. As soon as i can sell my car i will leave this country for a while.
I go through my stuff and all of it seems like dead weight. All my clothes, my shoes, my little priceless items that hold so much sentimental value just seems like dead weight now. Everything that i have hauled back and forth to and from New Zealand and the Caribbean over the past 3 years feels so heavy with emotion.
Why do i need all of these things?
They are just all the reminders of a life i used to have before i came to NZ that are now tarnished with memories of the life i lived in NZ. I feel to get rid of it all. To throw it all away. Thousands of dollars of stuff to just get rid of. I've already wasted thousands and thousands of dollars with this relationship, why not waste a few more?
Is this my rational mind speaking? I doubt it. Will i have regrets of tossing it all? or will this be a purging of the negatives? I am riddled with indecisiveness. The past years seem like such a waste. Wasted money, wasted effort, wasted energy, wasted love and wasted life. Wasted! Wasted! Wasted!
Perhaps getting rid of all these things will be like starting over. I am already starting over now, why not start over with new stuff as well? Why not just start with only one suit of clothes and a toothbrush? The only problem is that new stuff costs money and i have little of that right now.
But who cares about money when you have a bleeding heart to tend to.
Loss is still Loss
Insomnia has taken a hold of me and i lay in bed and my mind flutters from thought to thought to thought. I miss my Kevin as a lay alone under the sheets. I wish he were next to me or me next to him to feel his warm body pressed close to mine. I force myself to think that he is no longer a part of my life and that i need to build new memories... the reality sets in and i cant see beyond the blurry lonely present into the future and i long for the past.
It is weird how emotions can control so much of me. How can i let myself be so absorbed by what i feel? There are so many people in this world (including kevin) who can go through life as normal without having their emotions tug at the rest of their being. Even if something happens, he can eat, sleep, work, function as normal as if nothing ever happened. Why cant i be like that?
I wish i could compartmentalize my life - one part for feelings, one part for work, one part for exercise, one part for eating, one part for relationships, one part for fun and etc. If i were made up like this then i assume that even though one area of my life is not working, the others aren't affected. However, the reality of the situation is that for me, its all connected, all intersected. Like multiple waterfalls that connect different pools. They each flow into the other. Once one pool gets a little dirty, it just spreads to everything else.
How can I try to separate my life into areas and not let them all be affected? Im not sure.
I remember feeling lost like this years and years ago when my father died suddenly. It was a moment i had never anticipated and i truly had a difficult time getting through that period. However, when i look back at it, most of that year/s was a blur. I can barely even remember the year at all far less getting through it. All i can actually remember is feeling really bad when it happened and then feeling "kinda ok" after about 2 years. However, for the life of me i cannot remember the journey in between and how i managed to get through it.Those 2 years are somewhat of a mystery and all i can recall are moments of despair and horror, but nothing of the recovery or healing. I just know i recovered somehow.
Sometimes i feel slightly ashamed to compare losing kevin to the death of my father. Yes, i love kevin very much, but kevin isn't dead. Death is so much more severe than breaking up. Yet the feelings are so similar.
I guess the feeling of loss is still loss and very much present..... but with a breakup i still feel as though there is something that can be done about it but whereas with death i could have accepted the finality of the loss, because it was totally out of my control...
Does the added lack of finality mean that breaking up feels worse?
It is weird how emotions can control so much of me. How can i let myself be so absorbed by what i feel? There are so many people in this world (including kevin) who can go through life as normal without having their emotions tug at the rest of their being. Even if something happens, he can eat, sleep, work, function as normal as if nothing ever happened. Why cant i be like that?
I wish i could compartmentalize my life - one part for feelings, one part for work, one part for exercise, one part for eating, one part for relationships, one part for fun and etc. If i were made up like this then i assume that even though one area of my life is not working, the others aren't affected. However, the reality of the situation is that for me, its all connected, all intersected. Like multiple waterfalls that connect different pools. They each flow into the other. Once one pool gets a little dirty, it just spreads to everything else.
How can I try to separate my life into areas and not let them all be affected? Im not sure.
I remember feeling lost like this years and years ago when my father died suddenly. It was a moment i had never anticipated and i truly had a difficult time getting through that period. However, when i look back at it, most of that year/s was a blur. I can barely even remember the year at all far less getting through it. All i can actually remember is feeling really bad when it happened and then feeling "kinda ok" after about 2 years. However, for the life of me i cannot remember the journey in between and how i managed to get through it.Those 2 years are somewhat of a mystery and all i can recall are moments of despair and horror, but nothing of the recovery or healing. I just know i recovered somehow.
Sometimes i feel slightly ashamed to compare losing kevin to the death of my father. Yes, i love kevin very much, but kevin isn't dead. Death is so much more severe than breaking up. Yet the feelings are so similar.
I guess the feeling of loss is still loss and very much present..... but with a breakup i still feel as though there is something that can be done about it but whereas with death i could have accepted the finality of the loss, because it was totally out of my control...
Does the added lack of finality mean that breaking up feels worse?
Through the Dark
Its been 6 weeks since we broke up and i have to say my feelings have not changed much. The only new stages are that i have decided to leave NZ for a while. I am too alone and lonely and i cannot function as a whole person. I do not know if i will ever return to NZ, but for now i find great difficulty in looking after myself and everything here is connected to Kevin, it is daily torture. I need to get away from it all. My health has faded, my performance at work has become a problem and i do not have any close friends or family here who i can surround myself with to help me through the loneliness and pain.
My money is low, and i cannot see much improvement in sight.
My sister has invited me to stay with her in Canada for some time while i can get my self back to an appropriate standard of human being. I feel relieved that my family is there to support me and i am grateful for at least that even though they are on the opposite side of the planet.
My goals this week are to sell my car and close off my accounts and buy my ticket to Canada. Once i can get this done, i will be on my way to building back something of myself surrounded by people who care about me instead of just on my own.
I hope to continue this blog and note the stages of me getting through this. All the advice says that i will come out the other side better than before, but for now i feel like its impossible. I hope this blog can sustain me and help me as i claw my way through the dark.
Monday, August 12, 2013
To disappear or to die
As much as I pretend to not be an emotional girl on the outside. My feelings truly rule my life. Once i am unhappy about something, my life is affected greatly. My eating, my sleeping, my work, my social ability and everything.
I spent weeks of sleepless nights, not eating properly, in tears and wondering "why?" thinking that i could never forgive myself. thinking that i would never be able to recover from this breakup.
I questioned everything in my power. Why did i act this way? Why did i even need to message Julian when i had a perfectly great man with me? What was i thinking? I wasnt thinking. I felt like a slut who betrayed her man. I felt guilt. I felt shame. I felt regret. I felt that i was the worst person in the world. How could i treat the man i loved like this? if he did this to me i would be devastated beyond repair. Who am i? I am the type of woman i told myself i would never be?
I didnt have any answers to these questions. I had answers but all of the answers did nothing to make me feel better or justify my actions. I felt horrible. My heart was broken into many pieces and on top of my broken heart i added on extra negative feelings of guilt, remorse, regret and shame.
I was in agony. Bleeding. I had nobody to talk to because i was alone in a different country. All i could think of was that he was doing great and happy to live his life with the support of his family and friends while i was just in total ruins alone. All i wanted was to thrash around on the floor and kick and scream and bawl and cry. Not even that was good enough for me... i wanted to disappear or to die.
I spent weeks of sleepless nights, not eating properly, in tears and wondering "why?" thinking that i could never forgive myself. thinking that i would never be able to recover from this breakup.
I questioned everything in my power. Why did i act this way? Why did i even need to message Julian when i had a perfectly great man with me? What was i thinking? I wasnt thinking. I felt like a slut who betrayed her man. I felt guilt. I felt shame. I felt regret. I felt that i was the worst person in the world. How could i treat the man i loved like this? if he did this to me i would be devastated beyond repair. Who am i? I am the type of woman i told myself i would never be?
I didnt have any answers to these questions. I had answers but all of the answers did nothing to make me feel better or justify my actions. I felt horrible. My heart was broken into many pieces and on top of my broken heart i added on extra negative feelings of guilt, remorse, regret and shame.
I was in agony. Bleeding. I had nobody to talk to because i was alone in a different country. All i could think of was that he was doing great and happy to live his life with the support of his family and friends while i was just in total ruins alone. All i wanted was to thrash around on the floor and kick and scream and bawl and cry. Not even that was good enough for me... i wanted to disappear or to die.
3 Weeks In
After my breakup with Kevin. I tried to get myself to work and tried to work through my days. I was in shock and denial and thought that this was just a dream that i would wake up from. But i never woke up. I decided to write down my feelings on paper and thought to myself maybe if i explained to him the reasons for my actions then he would forgive me.
So i spent 3 weeks working on writing all about the things i want in my life and the things i struggled with moving to NZ and the things that i figured would lead me to working things out with him.
3 weeks into it, he agreed to meet me. We met and i confessed all my insecurities and desires and apologies and his response to it all was that he wanted to forget it and move on.
I was crushed again. Not only crushed but all the hope that i used to survive the 3 weeks of waiting to see him again was removed and i was left with just a void and pain in my heart.
I left this encounter with what i can only describe as paralyzing agony.
The Beginning of the End
Hi, my name is Maia, and i guess to start this blog i will give you a background information on myself. I am presently 31 yrs old and originally from an island in the Caribbean. 3 years ago, I had a great life there and was very happy. One day, a man walked into my life. A man that i never thought i would ever meet and a man that i was immediately smitten by. I had never felt such feelings for anybody like this before and i was totally dumbstruck by him. His name is Kevin.
I could go into the details of what happened and all sorts. But i will just cut to the chase. He was from New Zealand and he was moving back to his home country. After a long time of contemplating the pros and cons. I was prepared to give up my life in the Caribbean and move to be with him. It was a huge step, i had my own business, i had my life established, friends and family. However, i felt something in my gut about kevin and i just took the plunge. I wanted to marry him and have a family with him.
I moved to NZ 1 year ago. It was hard to be with him. Living with a new person, in a new country, halfway around the globe foreign to anything that i knew. I had no friends, no family and had to work in a minimum wage job. Life was pretty shitty compared to what i was living before. But i never wanted to complain, i just wanted to get on with things because i wanted to be with Kevin.
Cut to present day. Kevin dumped me, kicked me out of his house and i am absolutely devastated. His reasons for dumping me may have been valid to some and non valid to others. However, I accept full responsibility for my actions. You see, I had been messaging a "friend" of mine on whatsapp chat for years sending back and forth flirty messages with sexual innuendos. This guy's name is Julian. I had met Julian 5 years ago while studying in London. I met Julian even before i even knew kevin. Julian and I always had a flirty back and forth communication with each other in sort of a fantasy world. We always thought of it as fun and games because we knew we would never be together and never even wanted to be together, we just enjoyed the "game" of pretending. I never had any sexual relations with Julian aside from just chatting and we always thought of it as very entertaining interaction escaping the real world. Julian and I knew we would never be together, we never even really wanted to be together, we never had sex with each other or even really wanted to have sex with each other. We were just totally different people pretending to be something crazy in the cyber world. It was all a dumb game to me.
Anyway, kevin read my messages to Julian one day and was absolutely devastated. He immediately kicked me out and labelled me a cheater. He said he couldn't recover from this betrayal and he would never be able to forgive me. I had nothing to say to him
That was my breakup.
I was left alone in the middle of New Zealand with nowhere to live and nowhere to go. I was in shock and denial. i hadnt made any friends in NZ beside one girl. I ended up finding salvation in her and slept on the floor of her room for 2 days while i tried to get my own place. I found a place to stay for a while and attempted to pick up the pieces.
This was in the darkest moment of my life.
I could go into the details of what happened and all sorts. But i will just cut to the chase. He was from New Zealand and he was moving back to his home country. After a long time of contemplating the pros and cons. I was prepared to give up my life in the Caribbean and move to be with him. It was a huge step, i had my own business, i had my life established, friends and family. However, i felt something in my gut about kevin and i just took the plunge. I wanted to marry him and have a family with him.
I moved to NZ 1 year ago. It was hard to be with him. Living with a new person, in a new country, halfway around the globe foreign to anything that i knew. I had no friends, no family and had to work in a minimum wage job. Life was pretty shitty compared to what i was living before. But i never wanted to complain, i just wanted to get on with things because i wanted to be with Kevin.
Cut to present day. Kevin dumped me, kicked me out of his house and i am absolutely devastated. His reasons for dumping me may have been valid to some and non valid to others. However, I accept full responsibility for my actions. You see, I had been messaging a "friend" of mine on whatsapp chat for years sending back and forth flirty messages with sexual innuendos. This guy's name is Julian. I had met Julian 5 years ago while studying in London. I met Julian even before i even knew kevin. Julian and I always had a flirty back and forth communication with each other in sort of a fantasy world. We always thought of it as fun and games because we knew we would never be together and never even wanted to be together, we just enjoyed the "game" of pretending. I never had any sexual relations with Julian aside from just chatting and we always thought of it as very entertaining interaction escaping the real world. Julian and I knew we would never be together, we never even really wanted to be together, we never had sex with each other or even really wanted to have sex with each other. We were just totally different people pretending to be something crazy in the cyber world. It was all a dumb game to me.
Anyway, kevin read my messages to Julian one day and was absolutely devastated. He immediately kicked me out and labelled me a cheater. He said he couldn't recover from this betrayal and he would never be able to forgive me. I had nothing to say to him
That was my breakup.
I was left alone in the middle of New Zealand with nowhere to live and nowhere to go. I was in shock and denial. i hadnt made any friends in NZ beside one girl. I ended up finding salvation in her and slept on the floor of her room for 2 days while i tried to get my own place. I found a place to stay for a while and attempted to pick up the pieces.
This was in the darkest moment of my life.
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