Somehow I always tend to write a blog on the days that I feel crappy. I don't seem to write anything on days that seem to have gone by when I am ok. Maybe this is normal, or maybe it is a good sign that I do have some better days. I don't really know. Anyway, as you can tell from this blog beginning, today wasn't such a hot day. In fact it was a down right shitty day. It started out ok, with the exception of somehow waking up to the thoughts and hopes that I wanted to get back together with Kevin. Once again, I am in the throws of delusional thinking where my thoughts convince me that "if only he would take me back, things would be different and better".
Wong! Fucking Wrong!
The truth is that it would be a complete mess, and who wants to go back into something that would be ruined when there are options of starting afresh? Nobody with an ounce of sense wants that - but today I was the idiot with no sense who wanted it. Sigh!
There is always something to learn from relationships and the experiences that you have in life.... and the truth is that I cannot figure out for the life of me what I am learning from this. Aside from the fact that I am learning lots and lots of small things... example things from the country, from being with my sister and being around her family and being around her husband and being away from NZ and being on my own and being in new classes (I signed up for a couple classes for a month) and etc. However, I am still trying to figure out what I actually learnt from kevin dumping me. Yes, I know that the surface lessons are there, example I should have been more honest with him from the get go. But the truth is, I was always planning to hand over everything and bare it all to him, but he just dumped me before I could. I just cant help but feel as though that the pain I experienced through this ordeal should be matched by an equally riveting and enlightening lesson as the return. But yet, so far, my lessons are not "ground breaking" or "life changing" or "spiritually enlightening". So far the lessons have been good and offered me self discovery, but I don't think that they are worth the trauma and pain that I am going through to get to here. All of this just keeps sending me back to the thought that it was all just a waste of time. Even though people say these things are never a waste. I honestly feel that it was a big waste for me. I feel as though I gave up everything for this man, and only to be shut down and left for nothing, left for dead. And on top of that I never even got a proper chance to sort things out, to clean up the mess I made or even make things right. I just feel over all robbed. Robbed of the life I had built previously to meeting kevin, and robbed of the life I had while I was with kevin. I feel like I am just back to square one and being a poor student having to start life from scratch again. When I am totally no longer a student nor do I want to even be categorized at that level anymore. I am fucking 31 yrs old, and I need to get my life under control for fuck's sake.
Where is the lesson in this whole thing? I mean I could have learnt so many of the things I am learning now in a different way. Why did I have to learn all these things after having gone through such a horrific trauma? I feel like this whole ordeal could have been evaded if I never moved to NZ to be with kevin to begin with. If I had never even set foot in NZ... and if I had just not met him and lived my life as it was before I met him. I cant help but feel as though I could have easily learned all these lessons somehow and sometime, without the traumatic pain that I am in now.
Today I feel like total shit, like why am I even in this mess? seriously, this cannot be all that I am learning from this whole thing? It cannot jus be all these small lessons that I could have learnt via alternative means. There must be a bigger lesson amidst it all.
Something has to be worth all the pain and agony and heartache, it cant all be a waste. Can it?
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Past, Future...... Present
After being around a bit, I am now back in Montreal and have enrolled in some French classes. I am taking the opportunity now to do something new, focused and different. I was hoping that this will help me get passed my desire to still be with kevin and also use this time when I am not working to grow in a way that I would not normally be able to while being stuck in the 8 to 5 working grind. The french classes are great, except most of the people I have met in these classes are all 18, 19 and 20 years old. It is difficult to have interesting conversations with these people beyond the surface stuff of movies and music. I remember being just like them while i was at University, but i know now that I am sort of beyond those years by about a decade. So admittedly, i still feel very lonely.
However, the classes have given me a chance to find a distraction in my life and also sort of experience some of the country at a different level. I have not truly done much while i have been here aside from the usual touristy sort of things, and I could be making better use of my time. However, somehow i just am not the hugely adventurous type and I do not often find the courage to venture out on my own.
The funny thing about my classes and everything is that I did this to help distract myself from my lost relationship and create new memories with fun times. However, for some reason, I have been missing kevin even more than usual. I try to convince myself that this is best to move on and forget. However, I find this very painful. I seem to not want to leg go of it all. I dont want to let go of kevin or the idea of my New Zealand life, or the relationship I had or the past life I was in. I feel as though it somehow makes me who I am and if I were to let go of it then I will no longer be somebody I want to be.
It is a complicated mind trick that I play on myself - Everyday I tell myself it is better to find a new life than go back to the past one. However, I still have this niggling feeling inside that tells me "Dont let go because it is who you are, you can go back to it".
I find it extremely uncomfortable that i cannot just move past this. Only because I imagine that it is so easy for kevin to just move on. He is probably enjoying a new girlfriend by now and planning a wedding and kids with somebody who is not me. I feel like an idiot most days telling myself one thing and believing something else. I feel like somewhat of a 'poser' in my own life. Pretending to be experiencing life and learning a new language and travelling around the country. When in reality I havent really done anything at all and all that goes on in my mind is "I feel so lost".
My sister told me today that she feels as though she wishes she had somebody to tell her what to do with her life. She said sometimes she feels lost. This actually shocked me out of my skin - Only because I have been so envious of her life these past few weeks and seeing her is what I want for me. I guess everybody feels kind of lost in their lives from time to time. Why do we always feel lost? Does anybody ever not feel this way?
It is difficult to figure out what life really means to us and what do we want from it. I think also it means so many different things to each person and it also changes from time to time. For me, today, all i want is my life back with kevin. I want to get married and have a family of my own. For my sister, today, she already has what I want, so her desires are different now. I guess this is all part of human nature, and we will always want more than what we have. Perhaps this is what makes us a progressive species - never being satisfied with what we have at the present moment is maybe what makes the modern humans so advanced in so many ways. But yet, with all these advancements, we still feel lost and dissatisfied with what we have.
I have read a couple self help books and most of them say to "appreciate the present moments" for it is what will truly satisfy you. "Let go of the past", "stop worrying about the future", "just live right now" are some of the most frequent cliched advice summaries about how to find happiness.
However, the questions I keep asking myself these days about myself are difficult for me to answer - How do I feel happy in the now? How do I forget about the past and future, and only focus on what is present. Maybe if I did that I would feel happier with myself and life. Maybe I will feel less lost. I dont know how to begin to do this, because for me, it is clear with my recent 'poser' behavior - No matter how much I try to live in the present.... my past still haunts me.... and my future still scares me.
However, the classes have given me a chance to find a distraction in my life and also sort of experience some of the country at a different level. I have not truly done much while i have been here aside from the usual touristy sort of things, and I could be making better use of my time. However, somehow i just am not the hugely adventurous type and I do not often find the courage to venture out on my own.
The funny thing about my classes and everything is that I did this to help distract myself from my lost relationship and create new memories with fun times. However, for some reason, I have been missing kevin even more than usual. I try to convince myself that this is best to move on and forget. However, I find this very painful. I seem to not want to leg go of it all. I dont want to let go of kevin or the idea of my New Zealand life, or the relationship I had or the past life I was in. I feel as though it somehow makes me who I am and if I were to let go of it then I will no longer be somebody I want to be.
It is a complicated mind trick that I play on myself - Everyday I tell myself it is better to find a new life than go back to the past one. However, I still have this niggling feeling inside that tells me "Dont let go because it is who you are, you can go back to it".
I find it extremely uncomfortable that i cannot just move past this. Only because I imagine that it is so easy for kevin to just move on. He is probably enjoying a new girlfriend by now and planning a wedding and kids with somebody who is not me. I feel like an idiot most days telling myself one thing and believing something else. I feel like somewhat of a 'poser' in my own life. Pretending to be experiencing life and learning a new language and travelling around the country. When in reality I havent really done anything at all and all that goes on in my mind is "I feel so lost".
My sister told me today that she feels as though she wishes she had somebody to tell her what to do with her life. She said sometimes she feels lost. This actually shocked me out of my skin - Only because I have been so envious of her life these past few weeks and seeing her is what I want for me. I guess everybody feels kind of lost in their lives from time to time. Why do we always feel lost? Does anybody ever not feel this way?
It is difficult to figure out what life really means to us and what do we want from it. I think also it means so many different things to each person and it also changes from time to time. For me, today, all i want is my life back with kevin. I want to get married and have a family of my own. For my sister, today, she already has what I want, so her desires are different now. I guess this is all part of human nature, and we will always want more than what we have. Perhaps this is what makes us a progressive species - never being satisfied with what we have at the present moment is maybe what makes the modern humans so advanced in so many ways. But yet, with all these advancements, we still feel lost and dissatisfied with what we have.
I have read a couple self help books and most of them say to "appreciate the present moments" for it is what will truly satisfy you. "Let go of the past", "stop worrying about the future", "just live right now" are some of the most frequent cliched advice summaries about how to find happiness.
However, the questions I keep asking myself these days about myself are difficult for me to answer - How do I feel happy in the now? How do I forget about the past and future, and only focus on what is present. Maybe if I did that I would feel happier with myself and life. Maybe I will feel less lost. I dont know how to begin to do this, because for me, it is clear with my recent 'poser' behavior - No matter how much I try to live in the present.... my past still haunts me.... and my future still scares me.
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