Somehow I always tend to write a blog on the days that I feel crappy. I don't seem to write anything on days that seem to have gone by when I am ok. Maybe this is normal, or maybe it is a good sign that I do have some better days. I don't really know. Anyway, as you can tell from this blog beginning, today wasn't such a hot day. In fact it was a down right shitty day. It started out ok, with the exception of somehow waking up to the thoughts and hopes that I wanted to get back together with Kevin. Once again, I am in the throws of delusional thinking where my thoughts convince me that "if only he would take me back, things would be different and better".
Wong! Fucking Wrong!
The truth is that it would be a complete mess, and who wants to go back into something that would be ruined when there are options of starting afresh? Nobody with an ounce of sense wants that - but today I was the idiot with no sense who wanted it. Sigh!
There is always something to learn from relationships and the experiences that you have in life.... and the truth is that I cannot figure out for the life of me what I am learning from this. Aside from the fact that I am learning lots and lots of small things... example things from the country, from being with my sister and being around her family and being around her husband and being away from NZ and being on my own and being in new classes (I signed up for a couple classes for a month) and etc. However, I am still trying to figure out what I actually learnt from kevin dumping me. Yes, I know that the surface lessons are there, example I should have been more honest with him from the get go. But the truth is, I was always planning to hand over everything and bare it all to him, but he just dumped me before I could. I just cant help but feel as though that the pain I experienced through this ordeal should be matched by an equally riveting and enlightening lesson as the return. But yet, so far, my lessons are not "ground breaking" or "life changing" or "spiritually enlightening". So far the lessons have been good and offered me self discovery, but I don't think that they are worth the trauma and pain that I am going through to get to here. All of this just keeps sending me back to the thought that it was all just a waste of time. Even though people say these things are never a waste. I honestly feel that it was a big waste for me. I feel as though I gave up everything for this man, and only to be shut down and left for nothing, left for dead. And on top of that I never even got a proper chance to sort things out, to clean up the mess I made or even make things right. I just feel over all robbed. Robbed of the life I had built previously to meeting kevin, and robbed of the life I had while I was with kevin. I feel like I am just back to square one and being a poor student having to start life from scratch again. When I am totally no longer a student nor do I want to even be categorized at that level anymore. I am fucking 31 yrs old, and I need to get my life under control for fuck's sake.
Where is the lesson in this whole thing? I mean I could have learnt so many of the things I am learning now in a different way. Why did I have to learn all these things after having gone through such a horrific trauma? I feel like this whole ordeal could have been evaded if I never moved to NZ to be with kevin to begin with. If I had never even set foot in NZ... and if I had just not met him and lived my life as it was before I met him. I cant help but feel as though I could have easily learned all these lessons somehow and sometime, without the traumatic pain that I am in now.
Today I feel like total shit, like why am I even in this mess? seriously, this cannot be all that I am learning from this whole thing? It cannot jus be all these small lessons that I could have learnt via alternative means. There must be a bigger lesson amidst it all.
Something has to be worth all the pain and agony and heartache, it cant all be a waste. Can it?
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