Well, its been 3 months since my last post. There has been lots that has happened. I spent Christmas with my family in Canada and then I was supposed to move back to my country (in the Caribbean) before new years day of 2014. The Christmas was great, white and snowy with the beautiful atmosphere, and i felt happy to be with my sister and her kids for the festivities. However, I did not leave for the Caribbean after Christmas. There was a world wind of family dramas and now I have moved to Toronto. I am here in Toronto with my sister and I am staying here for a few months. Ringing in the new year of 2014 wasn't so great for me. I spent it in Downtown Toronto looking at fire works with a friend i had met about 2 months prior. He is a very sweet guy, but he suffers from Bipolar and he isn't the man for me. He told me he was in love with me on new years and I immediately wanted to run away. Luckily I managed to tell him we can only be friends and he was ok with that.
So it seemed like my new year had already started out with me wanting to run away. It was all very strange. I had never expected to be in Toronto for New Years day and even less thought i would spend the greater part of 2014 there. Here i was once again in a new city having to find my way around and still living out of my suitcase. This is the 3rd city I have to adapt to in a matter of a year. I felt again lost and confused but also hopeful desperate for the potential of finding something new and refreshing.
Ive been here for about 3 weeks now and i was beginning to wonder what the culture is all about. The people here seem very guarded and the men don't seem to be very aggressive or upfront, and ive found it challenging to really be myself. I have once again resorted to internet sites and online dating to meet people and it proved to be hugely different than in Montreal. In Toronto, it is difficult, disturbing and disenchanting whereas while i was in Montreal it was more fun, easy and less creepy. But i guess the city is bigger and you have to work harder at finding someone who is like you. A person told me that online dating is full of the 'discarded'. I believe this to be true sometimes, and perhaps i guess that means i am 'discarded' too.
Anyway, here i am 7 months since the break up with kevin and i was beginning to think i was moving on from kevin and moving on from the shitty breakup experience until....
Well, my friend (Rhea) who lives in Toronto invited me over to her place. But this is not just any friend, this is the friend who introduced me to kevin... and this is not just the person who introduced me to kevin, but also she is married to kevin's brother (Paul). Anyway, i was reluctant to visit Rhea and Paul's house because i just felt perhaps everything will come back to me and i will be once again at square one. But i just had to visit because Rhea and Paul were my friends before i knew kevin and also they have always been good to me and supported me. They also have 2 kids and i actually taught these 2 kids in preschool years ago and we have been in touch always. So we have somewhat of a history even before kevin and i dated.
So, i managed to get myself over to their place, and it was fine. Rhea and Paul were just excellent and neither of them brought up any talk of the breakup or kevin or any of these things... we had a great lunch and we spoke about the kids and other things in life. It was nice to see them again with the exception that Paul (being kevin's brother) resembled kevin very much and every glance reminded me of kevin and my heart would sink whenever i had to look at him. As a result, i avoided even looking in his direction at all. I am sure he probably felt my cold demeanor towards him, and perhaps he would know the reason or not, but i was not going to share that reason by any means. Spending the day with them reminded me of everything that i wanted with kevin. It reminded me of what i wanted in my life (which was a family).... and it reminded me that i want not only a man to marry but a companion next to me that i can be myself with and take on adventures. Kevin was somebody i wanted to fill that position. But it did not work out unfortunately. But being around Rhea and Paul also reminded me of the type of man that i want and the type of wife and mother i want to be. It reminded me of why i thought kevin was so perfect. These past few months i have been on dates with so many guys and they all have had something that i didnt want in my future man. From unambitious, to pretentious, to unimaginative, to uneducated, to unadventurous, to uncreative, to illogical, to just crazy. It reminded me that kevin held so many qualities that i genuinely wanted in my children and qualities that i wanted to supplement my shortcomings. Kevin was always the complete opposite to me, but he also was somebody who forced me to look at myself and improve myself in ways that I had never done before. Will there be anybody else like that? I think that there are many. Will i find a guy like that for me? Im not sure where to look if i keep moving around the planet.
Anyway, after my visit to Rhea and Paul, I found myself at home in bed feeling a bit wounded. Not necessarily wounded by Rhea and Paul, but more of a realization that i am still wounded by it all. Deep down inside, my heart still misses kevin and traces of my longing for what i had still remains. My heart was bleeding and over the passed 7 months i have grown a skin over it like a case to stop the bleeding from spilling into the rest of my body while the healing can take place... But under that skin my heart is still not healed.... i can feel that it still hurts when i peak inside that case. The pieces are not fully back together and even though i have managed to compartmentalize it - inside that compartment it is still a bit of a mess. I know that i am taking steps forward, and in spite of everything that people say to me or try to convince me of, I have my instincts and i know how i feel. On one hand i genuinely feel that the life with kevin was meant for me and on the other hand i know i have to let go of it. Letting go is never easy and holding on to false hopes is never a good thing. So for now i will just close back that compartment that holds the pieces of my heart, seal it tight and not look inside again for a while. It might not be the best choice, but for now it is the only way for me to remain sane and function as a human.
