Tomorrow I go with my brother in law to help him on a photo shoot. He is a pretty experienced photographer and is very good at his job. I am not interested in photography in any form nor is it my field of study. My field of work is childhood education and i am pretty good with kids, but i know little of art and photography. Anyway, my sister asked me if i would like to be Roger's assistant and honestly, i couldn't really think of why i would, but i agreed to help him out. I figured I might as well do something with my time and i would get an opportunity to get to know my Brother in Law on a deeper level. I have never really gotten to know Roger very well as they have always lived in a different country to me and only spent few vacations together with very limited interaction. Roger is in his mid 50's and he is very much into the arts and music and design that is not really part of my field. Not only was there always a more than 20 year generation gap, but there was also a gap in interests as well.
However, I spoke to my sister and I can see them both reaching out to offer opportunities for me to improve (in my demeanor as well as knowledge). So I agreed to go on this trip and be his go-for.
Tonight I spent time helping him sort his equipment. I really wasn't any help at all because i know nothing of cameras and lighting and I truly was like a clueless puppy. Somehow i feel i might end up being more of a burden than a help.... but i guess it is always worth a try.
The strange thing about helping out roger tonight was that i felt an uncompromising sinking in my heart. I was on the verge of tears talking to him and helping him and i was trying my best to hold it together.
Why? why was I in such sadness?
It was because Roger reminded me so much of Kevin. I knew my sister and I had similarities, but the similarities of Roger to Kevin was just uncanny. Roger is just an older version of Kevin. I almost could not bare to be around him.... and i had to run off to hide a little bit in between.. i dont think he realized i was crying.. thank god!
How could the men that we chose to be with be so similar to each other. At this point i genuinely wished Kevin had met Roger. I think they would have been really good friends... and i think Roger would have given Kevin some great insight into the dynamics of my family.. - and once again the knife is twisted in my chest with the knowledge that this isn't going to happen.
Anyway, i will have to see how things go with the photo-shoot tomorrow. I hope that there wont be any hiccups or there wont be any crying or meltdowns... Somehow with this new knowledge of Roger, i cant help but feel like i want to stay away from him. Stay far far far away because he is such a reminder of Kevin. They never even met, and they are just like each other.
I cant turn back now, I have to go along, I just hope i survive the day.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Metanoia
My blog posts have been getting less as the time goes by, possibly because I may be making steps forward but also because i dont want to keep repeating the same things over and over in every post.
"Metanoia indicates a spontaneous attempt of the psyche to heal itself of unbearable conflict by melting down and then being reborn in a more adaptive form".
These past couple days, I have been talking to different people, both in person as well as online.. some are friends, family and others are new encounters ... The most interesting person i have encountered recently is this guy called Bob.
Bob is a 58 year old man who had some great insights to share with me about his life. He is married and been through several different trials in his life and manages to be able to give advice in a format that is somewhat easy to receive... I guess somehow at this stage of my breakup or in my life as well, i find it very helpful to listen to what people of the older generation have to offer in terms of advice and guidance.
Bob had different things to talk about, but as i unfolded my story to him after a bit of conversation he had something to tell me that somewhat resonated within me. "It is a Metanoia" he said.
I had never encountered this term before nor ever heard of it, so i quickly googled it and what i found was very fascinating as well as a suitable description of what I am going through.
I cant help but think that what i am going through now is a form of Metanoia. It is a process of me completely breaking down and then rebuilding myself into something better. There is long research and explanation of the term Metanoia, but I can only describe it as a phoenix burning down and then rising from the ashes.
The process that i have gone through this far has been painful beyond explanation, and i also feel as though it has been enlightening beyond words as well.
I dont think that there is any other way i could learn lessons that i am faced with right now in such a short timeframe. This learning process is harsh and hard and rough.... But it is also fast and deep. The past 6 weeks have been one of the longest 6 weeks of my life, but it has also been packed with the deepest emotions and has imprinted on my memory with permanence.
I still feel i have lots of emotional hurdles ahead of me, as i know i have not completely moved on yet. In fact i am still at the tiny beginning stages right now. I still dream of kevin and want to marry him. There is a long journey ahead. But if this is a Metanoia, there is a rebirth, a reparation and a restoration that still lies ahead.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Root of Resistance
Today was the first day back at school after summer holidays. My niece asked if i could come along with them to walk to school. So this morning i walked and chatted with Klo on the way to school. It was cute to see her so excited for school. It was nice.... and the streets were flooded with so many parents and kids dropping off their others.
I felt so sad. Only because it reminded me of how many times i had dreamt of having a family with kevin and i dreamt of dropping off kids of our own at school. As i looked around seeing all these other kids and their parents, i saw different things. Some parents seemed excited for their children, some seemed worried and others seemed to be just fed up and bored. I wonder if what they felt would change if they knew how desperately i wanted what they had right now?
People always suffer from the "grass is always greener" syndrome.... and i have to admit i am suffering from that as i write this. But not necessarily wanting what these other mums and dads have but rather wanting what i had. The hardest thing for me to accept really is not just losing kevin, but losing all the dreams and plans and aspirations that i had along with him. In my mind i didnt "wonder" if i would marry him and if we would have kids, i actually "believed" it. Letting go of that idea and fantasy is what is the most difficult for me.
Going through this breakup, i have talked to different people, read different articles, watched different clips and videos, read different books... and all of them have said the same thing. People break up all the time and whereas you always feel like its the end of the world, what comes after the breakup is better than what you had before.
Sigh!
For some reason, i just dont want to reach there yet. I dont really want to let go of kevin and everything. I think secretly if i let go then i will have nothing else.... and that scares me. I think secretly that if i let go then I was truly a failure at this relationship and that to me is one of the worst things i can be.... I think secretly that if i let go then kevin will only be a distant memory and what we shared would be inconsequential... and i just cant bare to think that because of how much of myself i devoted to him.
I want to be the strong person who learns from this and as time goes by i try to find the lessons within. However, sometimes i dont feel ready to learn anything yet. I feel that no lesson is worth what i lost.
I wish i could stop over analyzing things in my mind - This is the root of my resistance.
I felt so sad. Only because it reminded me of how many times i had dreamt of having a family with kevin and i dreamt of dropping off kids of our own at school. As i looked around seeing all these other kids and their parents, i saw different things. Some parents seemed excited for their children, some seemed worried and others seemed to be just fed up and bored. I wonder if what they felt would change if they knew how desperately i wanted what they had right now?
People always suffer from the "grass is always greener" syndrome.... and i have to admit i am suffering from that as i write this. But not necessarily wanting what these other mums and dads have but rather wanting what i had. The hardest thing for me to accept really is not just losing kevin, but losing all the dreams and plans and aspirations that i had along with him. In my mind i didnt "wonder" if i would marry him and if we would have kids, i actually "believed" it. Letting go of that idea and fantasy is what is the most difficult for me.
Going through this breakup, i have talked to different people, read different articles, watched different clips and videos, read different books... and all of them have said the same thing. People break up all the time and whereas you always feel like its the end of the world, what comes after the breakup is better than what you had before.
Sigh!
For some reason, i just dont want to reach there yet. I dont really want to let go of kevin and everything. I think secretly if i let go then i will have nothing else.... and that scares me. I think secretly that if i let go then I was truly a failure at this relationship and that to me is one of the worst things i can be.... I think secretly that if i let go then kevin will only be a distant memory and what we shared would be inconsequential... and i just cant bare to think that because of how much of myself i devoted to him.
I want to be the strong person who learns from this and as time goes by i try to find the lessons within. However, sometimes i dont feel ready to learn anything yet. I feel that no lesson is worth what i lost.
I wish i could stop over analyzing things in my mind - This is the root of my resistance.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Easy way or Hard way?
Well these past couple days have been rough. However, not rough in the sense that I have been missing kevin, but rough in that I am trying to really move on. I struggle with this and i find myself feeling rather agonized by this. It is very hard to explain. After the whole fiasco of kevin's friends bashing me online, i took a long hard look at the situation with somewhat of an outside perspective. There is no way i can go back to that relationship without having to face all of his friends thinking the worst of me. If I ever went back I would have to deal with being the tainted version of what they all thought of me before. I dont think kevin would even want to take me back because of what his friends would think of him anyway. How could i ever have normal healthy friendships with them again? Is that possible?
Anyway, this sort of hard thinking of the situation left me feeling with such a sense of hopelessness that it almost pushed me towards really moving on. I was struck by some sort of slap of sanity. It still isn't quite a full dose of reality yet, and i still feel myself occasionally slipping back into what i will term as "delusional wishful thinking" (that kevin is the only one for me), but there is some part of me now that is willing to move on from this.
I can only think that the difficulties I would face going back to kevin will pose so many negative hurdles to overcome that it would just be simpler to just start afresh with somebody new. The truth is that starting afresh with somebody knew is the easiest thing to do truly. Aside from searching around a while to find a suitable match for me and dating a few men here and there, once i find a match, any match, he would be new enough to not have any preconceived judgments tied to me. He would have no reason to mistrust me and he would not have friends who would have had their little session of hawking and spitting on me.
I can start with a new fresh slate and from the beginning where i feel there is nothing to overcome aside from the issues of a new relationship and well, issues of any healthy functioning relationship.
Why should i not want to start afresh? Who wouldn't want the easier option?
I tell myself this today, but sometimes I feel who wants the easy option? What rewards are there in the easy option? the easy option is for the pussies in life who take on no challenges.
Part of me thinks this way as well.
However, when it comes to relationships, what is the best thing? Is it better to work hard, face all the hurdles that come your way and fight to the death and feel then rewards of this? or is it better to give up on working through those hurdles find another easy route. Will the easy route bring more joy and reward?
I wish i knew the answer to this. Ahhhhh! I feel so tired of trying to rationalize these things, I have to shout at the universe.
"Argh!!! Life! - why do you have to be so complicated? Just give me the answer now!"
Anyway, this sort of hard thinking of the situation left me feeling with such a sense of hopelessness that it almost pushed me towards really moving on. I was struck by some sort of slap of sanity. It still isn't quite a full dose of reality yet, and i still feel myself occasionally slipping back into what i will term as "delusional wishful thinking" (that kevin is the only one for me), but there is some part of me now that is willing to move on from this.
I can only think that the difficulties I would face going back to kevin will pose so many negative hurdles to overcome that it would just be simpler to just start afresh with somebody new. The truth is that starting afresh with somebody knew is the easiest thing to do truly. Aside from searching around a while to find a suitable match for me and dating a few men here and there, once i find a match, any match, he would be new enough to not have any preconceived judgments tied to me. He would have no reason to mistrust me and he would not have friends who would have had their little session of hawking and spitting on me.
I can start with a new fresh slate and from the beginning where i feel there is nothing to overcome aside from the issues of a new relationship and well, issues of any healthy functioning relationship.
Why should i not want to start afresh? Who wouldn't want the easier option?
I tell myself this today, but sometimes I feel who wants the easy option? What rewards are there in the easy option? the easy option is for the pussies in life who take on no challenges.
Part of me thinks this way as well.
However, when it comes to relationships, what is the best thing? Is it better to work hard, face all the hurdles that come your way and fight to the death and feel then rewards of this? or is it better to give up on working through those hurdles find another easy route. Will the easy route bring more joy and reward?
I wish i knew the answer to this. Ahhhhh! I feel so tired of trying to rationalize these things, I have to shout at the universe.
"Argh!!! Life! - why do you have to be so complicated? Just give me the answer now!"
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Expected Undercurrents
Well... in the previous blog i wrote about Mark's email having the potential for undercurrents of negativity. So said, so done. I responded with a brief message that just explained that i deactivated my account and he replied with "I hope you are well and I always support both you and kevin". However, he has been bashing me on facebook all the while writing me supportive emails. He definitely is a double crosser and back stabber.... but i have known this for some time... so it doesnt come as a shock.
Mark has been posting all sorts of things about how i am a cheater on facebook for all the world to see, however the truth is that I didnt actually cheat.
I mean i have been wrongfully accused of things before, but this one really hurts. I am no longer on facebook, so the slew of information has been sent to me via email and other messaging by other people. It is really hurtful to think that somebody who claims to be your 'friend' is just a two faced dick in reality. However, I cannot say I am not surprised... Mark has thrown me under the bus before...
Anyway, i have chosen to not give any response to any of Mark's bashing and just leave it alone.
The reasons that i have done this is because it is the hardest thing for me to do. I want to just log on to facebook and trash him and say all sorts of things and clear my name... but i know that this will only make situations worse and make me feel as worse than before. What i have learnt so far is that if i follow my emotion, then this gets me in trouble. I am too confused and irrational right now to trust my emotions. Hence if i do the opposite of what my emotions tell me to do, then usually that is the best choice.
I feel to call kevin and cry and beg him to take me back, but that would be following my emotions. The opposite of what i feel to do is the non contact rule.
The 'non contact rule' is definitely the most effective means of self preservation. It has proven to be my only friend in this and sometimes i feel to break it, because i feel weak. But when this rule is broken (for example when i was contacted by kevin's best friend mark) I felt horrible for 2 days now and i may even feel horrible tomorrow too. I need to trust my only friend the 'no contact rule' and just place my blind faith in it because it is there for only ME and NOBODY ELSE.
Hence i always need to maintain the non contact until i can really find my feet on a stable path that can let me stand up for myself. fighting a battle in a weakened state is just recipe for failure.
Therefore, I think the best thing for me to do is not respond and let them all just have their Rar Rar Session of Bashing Maia and then let it die down. The truth is, my pain will remain after they have finished their gossiping... and eventually the hot topic of Maia being a cheater will be no longer a juicy story to discuss...
Perhaps one day i will get my time to tell my side of the story, but somehow in this case i feel that time will never arrive and i will have to accept that i am wrongfully accused by them all and just put it all behind me and never look back.
I always have dreams that i can return to kevin after some time has passed and ask him if he would be willing to try again. I know this is just maintaining a sick hope, because who wants to go back to a situation where all his friends think you have cheated and you will forever be labelled a cheater?
Honestly, it just seems like it is a foolish decision to go back to that.... and i would be better off starting a clean slate with somebody else. With a new set of friends and a new set of beginnings.
However, i still hold on to this sick sort of hope. It saddens me that i feel this way... because i am not a foolish woman. I am just a woman who has been misunderstood. Maybe i should just find the place where i am not misunderstood and start again instead of trying to go back to the place where i was misunderstood and try to convince them all to understand?
It just sounds like a terrible idea to hold on to hope like this... I really need to start to get a grip with it all, because i know kevin is moving on with his life and not looking back. I need to do the same.
Maybe one day i will be able to send him an email and tell him that i truly never cheated on him. But then I also hope by that time, I will be over it enough to not care.
Sigh! this seems to be a never ending story.
Mark has been posting all sorts of things about how i am a cheater on facebook for all the world to see, however the truth is that I didnt actually cheat.
I mean i have been wrongfully accused of things before, but this one really hurts. I am no longer on facebook, so the slew of information has been sent to me via email and other messaging by other people. It is really hurtful to think that somebody who claims to be your 'friend' is just a two faced dick in reality. However, I cannot say I am not surprised... Mark has thrown me under the bus before...
Anyway, i have chosen to not give any response to any of Mark's bashing and just leave it alone.
The reasons that i have done this is because it is the hardest thing for me to do. I want to just log on to facebook and trash him and say all sorts of things and clear my name... but i know that this will only make situations worse and make me feel as worse than before. What i have learnt so far is that if i follow my emotion, then this gets me in trouble. I am too confused and irrational right now to trust my emotions. Hence if i do the opposite of what my emotions tell me to do, then usually that is the best choice.
I feel to call kevin and cry and beg him to take me back, but that would be following my emotions. The opposite of what i feel to do is the non contact rule.
The 'non contact rule' is definitely the most effective means of self preservation. It has proven to be my only friend in this and sometimes i feel to break it, because i feel weak. But when this rule is broken (for example when i was contacted by kevin's best friend mark) I felt horrible for 2 days now and i may even feel horrible tomorrow too. I need to trust my only friend the 'no contact rule' and just place my blind faith in it because it is there for only ME and NOBODY ELSE.
Hence i always need to maintain the non contact until i can really find my feet on a stable path that can let me stand up for myself. fighting a battle in a weakened state is just recipe for failure.
Therefore, I think the best thing for me to do is not respond and let them all just have their Rar Rar Session of Bashing Maia and then let it die down. The truth is, my pain will remain after they have finished their gossiping... and eventually the hot topic of Maia being a cheater will be no longer a juicy story to discuss...
Perhaps one day i will get my time to tell my side of the story, but somehow in this case i feel that time will never arrive and i will have to accept that i am wrongfully accused by them all and just put it all behind me and never look back.
I always have dreams that i can return to kevin after some time has passed and ask him if he would be willing to try again. I know this is just maintaining a sick hope, because who wants to go back to a situation where all his friends think you have cheated and you will forever be labelled a cheater?
Honestly, it just seems like it is a foolish decision to go back to that.... and i would be better off starting a clean slate with somebody else. With a new set of friends and a new set of beginnings.
However, i still hold on to this sick sort of hope. It saddens me that i feel this way... because i am not a foolish woman. I am just a woman who has been misunderstood. Maybe i should just find the place where i am not misunderstood and start again instead of trying to go back to the place where i was misunderstood and try to convince them all to understand?
It just sounds like a terrible idea to hold on to hope like this... I really need to start to get a grip with it all, because i know kevin is moving on with his life and not looking back. I need to do the same.
Maybe one day i will be able to send him an email and tell him that i truly never cheated on him. But then I also hope by that time, I will be over it enough to not care.
Sigh! this seems to be a never ending story.
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