Stay far far far away

Tomorrow I go with my brother in law to help him on a photo shoot. He is a pretty experienced photographer and is very good at his job. I am not interested in photography in any form nor is it my field of study. My field of work is childhood education and i am pretty good with kids, but i know little of art and photography. Anyway, my sister asked me if i would like to be Roger's assistant and honestly, i couldn't really think of why i would, but i agreed to help him out. I figured I might as well do something with my time and i would get an opportunity to get to know my Brother in Law on a deeper level. I have never really gotten to know Roger very well as they have always lived in a different country to me and only spent few vacations together with very limited interaction. Roger is in his mid 50's and he is very much into the arts and music and design that is not really part of my field. Not only was there always a more than 20 year generation gap, but there was also a gap in interests as well.
However, I spoke to my sister and I can see them both reaching out to offer opportunities for me to improve (in my demeanor as well as knowledge). So I agreed to go on this trip and be his go-for.

Tonight I spent time helping him sort his equipment. I really wasn't any help at all because i know nothing of cameras and lighting and I truly was like a clueless puppy. Somehow i feel i might end up being more of a burden than a help.... but i guess it is always worth a try.
The strange thing about helping out roger tonight was that i felt an uncompromising sinking in my heart. I was on the verge of tears talking to him and helping him and i was trying my best to hold it together.

Why? why was I in such sadness?
It was because Roger reminded me so much of Kevin. I knew my sister and I had similarities, but the similarities of Roger to Kevin was just uncanny. Roger is just an older version of Kevin. I almost could not bare to be around him.... and i had to run off to hide a little bit in between.. i dont think he realized i was crying.. thank god!
How could the men that we chose to be with be so similar to each other. At this point i genuinely wished Kevin had met Roger. I think they would have been really good friends... and i think Roger would have given Kevin some great insight into the dynamics of my family.. -  and once again the knife is twisted in my chest with the knowledge that this isn't going to happen.

Anyway, i will have to see how things go with the photo-shoot tomorrow. I hope that there wont be any hiccups or there wont be any crying or meltdowns... Somehow with this new knowledge of Roger, i cant help but feel like i want to stay away from him. Stay far far far away because he is such a reminder of Kevin. They never even met, and they are just like each other.

I cant turn back now, I have to go along, I just hope i survive the day.