Well... in the previous blog i wrote about Mark's email having the potential for undercurrents of negativity. So said, so done. I responded with a brief message that just explained that i deactivated my account and he replied with "I hope you are well and I always support both you and kevin". However, he has been bashing me on facebook all the while writing me supportive emails. He definitely is a double crosser and back stabber.... but i have known this for some time... so it doesnt come as a shock.
Mark has been posting all sorts of things about how i am a cheater on facebook for all the world to see, however the truth is that I didnt actually cheat.
I mean i have been wrongfully accused of things before, but this one really hurts. I am no longer on facebook, so the slew of information has been sent to me via email and other messaging by other people. It is really hurtful to think that somebody who claims to be your 'friend' is just a two faced dick in reality. However, I cannot say I am not surprised... Mark has thrown me under the bus before...
Anyway, i have chosen to not give any response to any of Mark's bashing and just leave it alone.
The reasons that i have done this is because it is the hardest thing for me to do. I want to just log on to facebook and trash him and say all sorts of things and clear my name... but i know that this will only make situations worse and make me feel as worse than before. What i have learnt so far is that if i follow my emotion, then this gets me in trouble. I am too confused and irrational right now to trust my emotions. Hence if i do the opposite of what my emotions tell me to do, then usually that is the best choice.
I feel to call kevin and cry and beg him to take me back, but that would be following my emotions. The opposite of what i feel to do is the non contact rule.
The 'non contact rule' is definitely the most effective means of self preservation. It has proven to be my only friend in this and sometimes i feel to break it, because i feel weak. But when this rule is broken (for example when i was contacted by kevin's best friend mark) I felt horrible for 2 days now and i may even feel horrible tomorrow too. I need to trust my only friend the 'no contact rule' and just place my blind faith in it because it is there for only ME and NOBODY ELSE.
Hence i always need to maintain the non contact until i can really find my feet on a stable path that can let me stand up for myself. fighting a battle in a weakened state is just recipe for failure.
Therefore, I think the best thing for me to do is not respond and let them all just have their Rar Rar Session of Bashing Maia and then let it die down. The truth is, my pain will remain after they have finished their gossiping... and eventually the hot topic of Maia being a cheater will be no longer a juicy story to discuss...
Perhaps one day i will get my time to tell my side of the story, but somehow in this case i feel that time will never arrive and i will have to accept that i am wrongfully accused by them all and just put it all behind me and never look back.
I always have dreams that i can return to kevin after some time has passed and ask him if he would be willing to try again. I know this is just maintaining a sick hope, because who wants to go back to a situation where all his friends think you have cheated and you will forever be labelled a cheater?
Honestly, it just seems like it is a foolish decision to go back to that.... and i would be better off starting a clean slate with somebody else. With a new set of friends and a new set of beginnings.
However, i still hold on to this sick sort of hope. It saddens me that i feel this way... because i am not a foolish woman. I am just a woman who has been misunderstood. Maybe i should just find the place where i am not misunderstood and start again instead of trying to go back to the place where i was misunderstood and try to convince them all to understand?
It just sounds like a terrible idea to hold on to hope like this... I really need to start to get a grip with it all, because i know kevin is moving on with his life and not looking back. I need to do the same.
Maybe one day i will be able to send him an email and tell him that i truly never cheated on him. But then I also hope by that time, I will be over it enough to not care.
Sigh! this seems to be a never ending story.
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