Well these past couple days have been rough. However, not rough in the sense that I have been missing kevin, but rough in that I am trying to really move on. I struggle with this and i find myself feeling rather agonized by this. It is very hard to explain. After the whole fiasco of kevin's friends bashing me online, i took a long hard look at the situation with somewhat of an outside perspective. There is no way i can go back to that relationship without having to face all of his friends thinking the worst of me. If I ever went back I would have to deal with being the tainted version of what they all thought of me before. I dont think kevin would even want to take me back because of what his friends would think of him anyway. How could i ever have normal healthy friendships with them again? Is that possible?
Anyway, this sort of hard thinking of the situation left me feeling with such a sense of hopelessness that it almost pushed me towards really moving on. I was struck by some sort of slap of sanity. It still isn't quite a full dose of reality yet, and i still feel myself occasionally slipping back into what i will term as "delusional wishful thinking" (that kevin is the only one for me), but there is some part of me now that is willing to move on from this.
I can only think that the difficulties I would face going back to kevin will pose so many negative hurdles to overcome that it would just be simpler to just start afresh with somebody new. The truth is that starting afresh with somebody knew is the easiest thing to do truly. Aside from searching around a while to find a suitable match for me and dating a few men here and there, once i find a match, any match, he would be new enough to not have any preconceived judgments tied to me. He would have no reason to mistrust me and he would not have friends who would have had their little session of hawking and spitting on me.
I can start with a new fresh slate and from the beginning where i feel there is nothing to overcome aside from the issues of a new relationship and well, issues of any healthy functioning relationship.
Why should i not want to start afresh? Who wouldn't want the easier option?
I tell myself this today, but sometimes I feel who wants the easy option? What rewards are there in the easy option? the easy option is for the pussies in life who take on no challenges.
Part of me thinks this way as well.
However, when it comes to relationships, what is the best thing? Is it better to work hard, face all the hurdles that come your way and fight to the death and feel then rewards of this? or is it better to give up on working through those hurdles find another easy route. Will the easy route bring more joy and reward?
I wish i knew the answer to this. Ahhhhh! I feel so tired of trying to rationalize these things, I have to shout at the universe.
"Argh!!! Life! - why do you have to be so complicated? Just give me the answer now!"
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