So after having such a horrible time, I managed to recover a bit. Now I can only describe it as "a bit" because all the improvement is that I didn't cry walking home from my classes.
I had lots of things on my mind recently and one of the more concerning things was that I need to start back working again soon because my money is very low and I am currently just mooching off of my sister. This is not a good image for a woman who is 31. It actually is pathetic.
So I said to myself that I need to get a grip.
I was talking to my sister and brother in law a few days ago. The conversation came up with dating and so forth. I just couldn't really bare the thought of being with another man beside Kevin. But the truth is that Kevin doesn't want me, so I need to find somebody who will actually value my worth.
"Do you know what my mother says about getting over somebody?" My brother in law said to me.
"No, what?" I asked
" Well, my 85 year old mother with all of her life's experience says - the best way to get over a man is to get under another."
"Goodness!" I think to myself... and we all have a bit of a laugh thinking about Grandma B talking about getting under a man. Honestly, Grandma B has always been a very hip and happening old lady quite liberal I have to say. But somehow thinking of Grandma B telling me to get under a man was just hilarious to say the least.
Anyway, that evening I was also messaging a friend of mine who lives in Toronto. She is single and is in her 30s as well and she was going out on a date that evening. I felt like everybody around me were throwing hints to me that I need to distract myself with another date at least. So I asked my friend how does she meet men. "POF (plenty of fish online dating) you need to join it" was her response, ... she uses it all the time to find dates. I never thought I would turn to internet dating, but seeing as I am in a new country and I really have no friends or any true way to meet anybody I figured why not. I made up a profile and I put up a relatively decent picture but not over the top. I got many responses in a matter of a day and I was shocked at how many people actually showed interest.
I felt as though, ok well this might be easier than going out to meet guys somewhere. I sent a few replies and had short conversations with a couple men, but most of them died out with lack of interest and I felt grossed out by a whole lot of others. There are some characters that just make you feel horrible. Anyway, after a day or two, I started to feel really down and crap about the whole online thing as though even in a cyber world I was only attracting creepy old guys, and I was about to delete my profile when I started a conversation with one guy.
He seemed like a normal human being and his picture wasn't really that good looking, but he wasn't that bad. He asked me out and I said fine, and so I went out with him today.
When I first met him, I figured he wasn't as good looking as his photos, and he also was the same height as I was and I was wearing flats. This wasn't so great for me actually because I want to wear heels every now and then and its not great when you are taller than the guy. But I don't want to be superficial, so I can overlook this quality. Anyway the date was fine, he was interesting to talk to, we walked about the city and he paid for the lunch we had. Overall it was fine. At the end of the day, he said he would like to meet me again and I said "sure", but deep down inside my gut I knew I didn't really want to take this further. It wasn't because he was short, or because he wasn't interesting enough or because he wasn't as good looking as his picture. None of those things really mattered. It was because I am still in love with Kevin. I came home thinking that the date was a pretty good one, but I felt this sinking feeling in my heart of guilt. Guilt! why guilt? I just couldn't help it, every bone in my body felt anxiety and just overall remorse of the whole date.
Ugh! why? why is it just not possible for me to have a fulfilling time with somebody who is a good normal and decent guy?
Sigh... I hate this process... and I want to move on, but I don't want to move on. I just feel like crap. Crap! I tell you, Crap!
I just want my love back. Nothing seems to compare to my lost love.
I want to cry
God! so pathetic....
