Today was the first day back at school after summer holidays. My niece asked if i could come along with them to walk to school. So this morning i walked and chatted with Klo on the way to school. It was cute to see her so excited for school. It was nice.... and the streets were flooded with so many parents and kids dropping off their others.
I felt so sad. Only because it reminded me of how many times i had dreamt of having a family with kevin and i dreamt of dropping off kids of our own at school. As i looked around seeing all these other kids and their parents, i saw different things. Some parents seemed excited for their children, some seemed worried and others seemed to be just fed up and bored. I wonder if what they felt would change if they knew how desperately i wanted what they had right now?
People always suffer from the "grass is always greener" syndrome.... and i have to admit i am suffering from that as i write this. But not necessarily wanting what these other mums and dads have but rather wanting what i had. The hardest thing for me to accept really is not just losing kevin, but losing all the dreams and plans and aspirations that i had along with him. In my mind i didnt "wonder" if i would marry him and if we would have kids, i actually "believed" it. Letting go of that idea and fantasy is what is the most difficult for me.
Going through this breakup, i have talked to different people, read different articles, watched different clips and videos, read different books... and all of them have said the same thing. People break up all the time and whereas you always feel like its the end of the world, what comes after the breakup is better than what you had before.
Sigh!
For some reason, i just dont want to reach there yet. I dont really want to let go of kevin and everything. I think secretly if i let go then i will have nothing else.... and that scares me. I think secretly that if i let go then I was truly a failure at this relationship and that to me is one of the worst things i can be.... I think secretly that if i let go then kevin will only be a distant memory and what we shared would be inconsequential... and i just cant bare to think that because of how much of myself i devoted to him.
I want to be the strong person who learns from this and as time goes by i try to find the lessons within. However, sometimes i dont feel ready to learn anything yet. I feel that no lesson is worth what i lost.
I wish i could stop over analyzing things in my mind - This is the root of my resistance.
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