Missing

The photoshoot managed to go off very well. I got through the day without crying and I also managed to smile a few times. However, every minute of the day the knife in my heart was twisted with every interaction I had with Roger. By the end of the day I was exhausted, not from the work of the day, but from the emotional turmoil. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed as I went to sleep. How did I get myself into this mess?

I had dreams of Kevin all night and I woke up feeling once again like the breakup was fresh in my mind. One step forward five steps back I think to myself. Will this ever end?

I managed to get through most of today without crying, but every minute was a challenge. I went to a street fair and drum festival for a while because it was a beautiful sunny day. Whereas normally I would have enjoyed all of that, my mood was not one of open acceptance, and everything I saw, I couldnt let it in, I wanted to share it with kevin. I had moments where i fell asleep today, and not even these were relaxing, but more torturous than anything really.

In the dreams i have of him now, i go visit him and we are broken up, but in the dreams i manage to kiss him and ask him if we could get another chance. In the dreams he says no, but we still kiss and i usually wake up around that time.

It is clear that I am lonely, that i crave the attention of a man. I wonder if finding a new man will help me. Probably not, a new man will only create more problems for me because I am emotionally wounded. To be honest, the thought of a new man makes me want to vomit. But I am so lonely that I just want the attention and affection of a man in my life. I miss the kissing, the touching, the closeness and making love with kevin. I just miss it like there is a void in my heart and in my life. The truth is, how i look now, no man will even look at me, far less be attracted to me. I look pathetic, weak, anorexic, unhealthy and desperate. So there is no chance of finding a man even on a temporary basis to numb the pain even if i was willing to take that route.
I am sure it is the opposite for kevin. That he has found countless women to fill his time and stroke his cock. That is how easy it is for men.

I lie in bed right now, feeling like i dont know what comes next. Feeling rather hopeless and doomed. Feeling like I will never get past this stage of my life. Feeling like i will always be less than what I was.
Not only do I miss him, but I miss my life, I miss myself and I miss it all.