2 months exactly

Today marks 2 months exactly since kevin dumped me. I have been feeling rather crappy the last few days and i know it is because i still have not accepted the fact that my relationship is completely over. I still have trouble facing the reality that kevin is not like me, and that he doesn't view situations like me and as much as i want him, he just doesn't want me. This is such a hard pill to swallow, and there are times when i can feel it might be going down and others where i can feel it lodged in my throat just stuck for good.

Anyway, all of these emotions coupled with the deteriorating weather have made me feel somewhat moody towards the negative. I haven't really done much with my life these past few days and have been searching for something to truly connect with. All my activities and my conversations have become excruciatingly mundane and lacking interest. I listen to my sister talk about the house and how she needs to change this and that, I call my other sister and she talks about how busy she is with her kids' school, I call my brother and he talks about how his job is depressing, I call my best friend and he talks about how he is tired of the rat race. Overall i cannot find anybody right now who will have meaningful conversation with me beyond the 'what is' in their world. It all seems so inconsequential at this point to me....so dull and so meaningless.... and i somewhat feel a little disheartened that i cannot connect with anybody that I truly hold dear to me within my personal circle of support.

I know it is all as a result of how i view myself at present and how i view the world right now through the eyes of shattered emotions seeking some value to it all. I don't blame my family or friends for their present preoccupations in life, and i also shouldn't rely on anybody but myself to sustain my interests. However, it does make me feel lonely within the world. I find myself retreating back into my own mind and not choosing to let anybody in or seek anybody out.

How i feel now, reminds me of how i felt when my father died years ago. I went through a tough time after his death, thinking "why is everybody so superficial?". I went through a period where i would have violent fantasies and dreams - fantasies of crashing my car into walls just to see how it felt, or hitting someone across the head with a bat to crush a mans skull just to see how it felt, or getting so high on drugs that i would overdose just to see how it felt. It was almost as if the regular life was not enough to quench my desire to feel something. It was like I was so numb that I needed an extreme to truly experience a sensation.

I never fulfilled any of my violent fantasies though, mostly because my rational mind has a strong presence of logic that keeps me safe and sane. However, that time changed me in my life, and temporarily no matter where i looked, i could find nobody to relate to aside from my siblings who felt the same about their peers. Eventually over time, those fantasies faded and i began to find more things in common with my friends, and i reverted somewhat back to 'myself', or should i say a slightly different version of myself.

The truth is, presently i feel similar. I dont have such violent a fantasies as I did then, but i feel almost as though I need to take situations to an extreme in order to feel anything significant. Once again I also feel like i cannot find anybody to relate to and this time not even my siblings. I cannot find the connection with anybody who really can satisfy my desire of stimulating exchange. I am constantly online or reading books for something that will mean something to me.

I feel like doing drastic things that are somewhat harmful to myself - not like killing myself - but something that will give me an extreme experience, because I believe the extreme experience is the only type of sensation that I can actually feel. Everything else seems very dull and numb. I feel like taking dangerous risks, but I know I wont actually do anything dangerous because it is not really my personality and once again my rational mind plays the logic on my shoulder. I also know this is a phase that will pass and in time i will once again be just like everybody else wound up in the 'what is' of my world.

The funny thing is, I have gone through this feeling in the past with the death of my father, and I did learn so much about myself then, but i also was not aware of what was happening to me. This time, i guess because i am older, with all my feelings, i can recognize and identify the stages. Maybe this puts me at an advantage somewhat, because now I am equipped with the tools of experience.
I know that the process i am going through presently will inevitably bring to me some growth in self and will take me to another level of understanding myself without much effort. It is just the nature of the process.
However, is it possible to take advantage of this time and force myself to grow more than i normally would?

Perhaps in this case, having gone through it before, I can abuse this as a opportunity to learn something more and more and more, rather than just allowing it to pass as a phase and take what I get.
I want to be better than I was but not just on a minuscule level, but more on a macro level. I dont just want to grow a little.... i want to grow a lot!
I want to be a better person. However, when I say better, I dont just mean better on the level of the 'what is'-ness of the world, but better on a deeper level. A deep level that hinges on quality of experience and quality of meaning.
Can I really force or teach myself to grow more in this stage and become better? if so, how?

Who knows if I will ever reach this stage of where I want to be. I have no idea where this all leads or if I will ever achieve my desires, but I guess, I can only hope for improvement on some level. With this hope, it is the only way I can believe my present state of disconnection will be be the birth of something new....