Sleep is my friend as well as my foe

Sleep is my friend as well as my foe. I have had weeks of fitful sleep that has been plagued with nightmares and demons. I find it hard to get to sleep but my body is desperate for it. The physical indications of lack of rest presents itself throughout my entire body. My eyes are red, my skin is sallow, my body is weak and unattended, my bones show through my thin flesh. I am embarrassed with how I look. I feel like only the shell of a woman who used to shine and smile and sparkle. Where did all of this go? Kevin doesn't actually have it. Even though I feel he has stolen it from me, I know I still have it somewhere inside of me, I have just chosen to lock it away in a tight little box deep inside me. I've hidden it so well and disguised it as something else that now i cant find it or even find the strength to look for the key.

I know this is self punishment, and the only sufferer in this battle is me.  My mind knows it only too well, but my emotions struggle with believing what my mind already knows. How do I force my feelings to catch up to my mind? Sometimes, i do find solace in sleep. Those are the times when my dreams last more than 15 minutes and they don't include kevin or related topics or when they aren't full of nightmares that give me anxiety.  Sleep has brought me comfort in these moments, where i feel my body can be at peace.

Then I wake up! Ugh....
Waking up is the worse part of it all. As I surface from my sleep, I can feel my conscious mind being activated. Hearing comes first, my brain quickly switches on each of my senses one by one. It only takes a few milliseconds for everything to boot up but I am aware during this time. I feel ok while my brain runs through the start up process, but then a few milliseconds later i open my eyes. I see where i am, I am conscious now and the memories of the present gets flooded back to my mind. Its like a wave that runs through my whole body. My stomach immediately clenches and despair washes over me once more. Its like a flood of sudden emotion that can be briefly crippling.
I feel sad all over again and i momentarily relive the past events through my memories that suddenly flash across my mind. It makes me ill when this happens and it only takes a second. I hate this repeated experience of reliving the past like if it was new. It is almost like I was unaware of my life while i was at rest and then i was suddenly faced with the devastating news for the first time.

When will I accept the reality and move past this stage?

I need my sleep, but I hate waking up.