Baggage

Minutes tick by like hours and my eyes cannot find sleep nor can my mind find solace. I decided to clear out and pack up some of my stuff to clean up my tiny room in preparation of leaving. I do not have a leaving date yet, but i pray it will be very soon. As soon as i can sell my car i will leave this country for a while. 

I go through my stuff and all of it seems like dead weight. All my clothes, my shoes, my little priceless items that hold so much sentimental value just seems like dead weight now. Everything that i have hauled back and forth to and from New Zealand and the Caribbean over the past 3 years feels so heavy with emotion.

Why do i need all of these things? 

They are just all the reminders of a life i used to have before i came to NZ that are now tarnished with memories of the life i lived in NZ. I feel to get rid of it all. To throw it all away. Thousands of dollars of stuff to just get rid of. I've already wasted thousands and thousands of dollars with this relationship, why not waste a few more?

Is this my rational mind speaking? I doubt it. Will i have regrets of tossing it all? or will this be a purging of the negatives? I am riddled with indecisiveness. The past years seem like such a waste. Wasted money, wasted effort, wasted energy, wasted love and wasted life. Wasted! Wasted! Wasted!

Perhaps getting rid of all these things will be like starting over. I am already starting over now, why not start over with new stuff as well? Why not just start with only one suit of clothes and a toothbrush? The only problem is that new stuff costs money and i have little of that right now. 

But who cares about money when you have a bleeding heart to tend to.