To disappear or to die

As much as I pretend to not be an emotional girl on the outside. My feelings truly rule my life. Once i am unhappy about something, my life is affected greatly. My eating, my sleeping, my work, my social ability and everything.
I spent weeks of sleepless nights, not eating properly, in tears and wondering "why?" thinking that i could never forgive myself. thinking that i would never be able to recover from this breakup.

I questioned everything in my power. Why did i act this way? Why did i even need to message Julian when i had a perfectly great man with me? What was i thinking? I wasnt thinking. I felt like a slut who betrayed her man. I felt guilt. I felt shame. I felt regret. I felt that i was the worst person in the world. How could i treat the man i loved like this? if he did this to me i would be devastated beyond repair. Who am i? I am the type of woman i told myself i would never be?

I didnt have any answers to these questions. I had answers but all of the answers did nothing to make me feel better or justify my actions. I felt horrible. My heart was broken into many pieces and on top of my broken heart i added on extra negative feelings of guilt, remorse, regret and shame.
I was in agony. Bleeding. I had nobody to talk to because i was alone in a different country. All i could think of was that he was doing great and happy to live his life with the support of his family and friends while i was just in total ruins alone. All i wanted was to thrash around on the floor and kick and scream and bawl and cry. Not even that was good enough for me... i wanted to disappear or to die.