Insomnia has taken a hold of me and i lay in bed and my mind flutters from thought to thought to thought. I miss my Kevin as a lay alone under the sheets. I wish he were next to me or me next to him to feel his warm body pressed close to mine. I force myself to think that he is no longer a part of my life and that i need to build new memories... the reality sets in and i cant see beyond the blurry lonely present into the future and i long for the past.
It is weird how emotions can control so much of me. How can i let myself be so absorbed by what i feel? There are so many people in this world (including kevin) who can go through life as normal without having their emotions tug at the rest of their being. Even if something happens, he can eat, sleep, work, function as normal as if nothing ever happened. Why cant i be like that?
I wish i could compartmentalize my life - one part for feelings, one part for work, one part for exercise, one part for eating, one part for relationships, one part for fun and etc. If i were made up like this then i assume that even though one area of my life is not working, the others aren't affected. However, the reality of the situation is that for me, its all connected, all intersected. Like multiple waterfalls that connect different pools. They each flow into the other. Once one pool gets a little dirty, it just spreads to everything else.
How can I try to separate my life into areas and not let them all be affected? Im not sure.
I remember feeling lost like this years and years ago when my father died suddenly. It was a moment i had never anticipated and i truly had a difficult time getting through that period. However, when i look back at it, most of that year/s was a blur. I can barely even remember the year at all far less getting through it. All i can actually remember is feeling really bad when it happened and then feeling "kinda ok" after about 2 years. However, for the life of me i cannot remember the journey in between and how i managed to get through it.Those 2 years are somewhat of a mystery and all i can recall are moments of despair and horror, but nothing of the recovery or healing. I just know i recovered somehow.
Sometimes i feel slightly ashamed to compare losing kevin to the death of my father. Yes, i love kevin very much, but kevin isn't dead. Death is so much more severe than breaking up. Yet the feelings are so similar.
I guess the feeling of loss is still loss and very much present..... but with a breakup i still feel as though there is something that can be done about it but whereas with death i could have accepted the finality of the loss, because it was totally out of my control...
Does the added lack of finality mean that breaking up feels worse?
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