Well, I am finally in Canada with my sister and her kids. It has been a very long journey and I am tired on all levels of my being - emotionally, physically, mentally.
I spent most of the day sleeping and then hanging out with the kids. A boy Sach -6yrs and a girl Klo 9 yrs. Its been so nice seeing them after not seeing them in a few years. They have grown beautifully into some creative, independent, wild and free kids. I love that about them, and I should take lessons from them.
I can't say if being here is good or bad as yet, so for now I will say it is a "change". I feel relieved to be with my sister and have at least one decent home cooked meal for the day. Eating is definitely much easier with the kids around and no matter how sad i feel, hearing what they have to say can make me smile. Kids can do that to you because they can evoke so much love inside your heart that u cant deny it.
During the day I had bouts of sadness, mostly because I had always anticipated being here with kevin. kevin never met this sister of mine or her kids and I was always so anxious for kevin and I to travel together to Canada and for him to meet them. I wish he did because he would learn so much more about me if he knew my family better.
I still feel deep wounds from this break up and I am slowly trying to separate my dreams with kevin from my reality. It is difficult for me because I have this feeling like he is still there, like i can skype him or call him... and that in a few weeks i can fly back to NZ be with him and kiss him, cuddle with him and make love to him. But I can't.... :(
When will I accept this reality? I don't know for sure. Right now I haven't. I have changed so many things outside of me - clothes, food, environment, company... but inside of me it is still the same. Deep in my heart I still have a feeling of hope. Like one day he will walk back into my life. Like he was meant for me. I wish I didn't have this hope. Its sort of a false hope that keeps me in limbo. My mind is not in sync with my emotions and I cant say for sure which one is the liar.
Being here with my sister reminds me again of what I want in my life. I want to get married, have a house, have kids and raise a family. Even all her frustrations and complaints about house and kids and husband - i feel envious of them, because I know this is what i want too. I think i have always wanted to be a mum even since i was a little girl. I never had any huge aspirations of being anything outrageous. I always dreamed to just be a mother and have a beautiful family. It seems so ordinary, or even like a "less than" desire to those feminists out there. I'm not saying that I am not able to be a career woman. I am educated, intelligent and independent. I have University degrees, work experience and many attributes to being a strong independent woman. I can make my own money and be self sufficient in life. I have done all of this. However, I know that deep down inside all I really want is my own family. My own husband and kids. My own little wolf pack.
This is why I feel so gutted about my breakup with Kevin. Kevin for me was the first man who met the requirements that I was willing to accept as a man that would father my children. It might seem superficial and shallow, but it is true. He was the perfect specimen for me. I'm not saying he is a perfect individual by any means. However, his perfection lay within the qualities that he possessed that I wanted to accept and pass onto my own children. I know kevin is not the only man in the world who can be perfect. However, I truly did feel in my heart I had found the one who was it for me.
I know I need to let go and start afresh. It is just very hard to let go.
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