Emotions up, Emotions down, Emotions all around

Today I spent with  my sister and the kids. We went to the botanical gardens and the insectarium. It was a good day of seeing and learning new things and the kids were chatting and teaching me about all the plants and insects.
It was a beautiful sunny day and it was a wonderful outing, however I cant say that i enjoyed it at all. My sad heart created a screen that blocked me from truly enjoying, living and appreciating the moment.

It was never supposed to be like this. I was never supposed to be here with my sister and kids alone. I was always supposed to make this trip with Kevin. How did I end up being alone like this? I thought i was over these days. I thought i was over the being single and just roaming around on my own, tagging along with my sisters and brothers and their own families. It is nice to be independent, its nice to be the "young aunt" who gets to do all the fun things on her own.... but i didn't want to be the young solo aunt anymore. I wanted to be Aunt Maia and Uncle Kevin.

Today every thing that I saw, or read, or tried, or lived - I kept thinking of what would Kevin say or do if he was here now? Kevin would like that. Kevin would know about that. Kevin has one of that. I felt obsessed with Kevin (like i normally am) except that this time i don't actually have Kevin as part of my life anymore.
My heart bled silently as i played with the kids on the playground.

I do feel more able to do things now that I am around my family. I have a distraction and company, but my sadness still remains. I still have these niggling feelings that he will always be there for me to go back to, and I wish those feelings were just gone.

My sister says it will take time. I don't know how long, but its been too long for me already. I wish I could fast forward through time and just wake up and it all be gone. I wish I could stop hoping that he will come around and call me to get back together. I wish I could stop being such a pathetic mess of a desperate woman. Ugh!

I have these roller coaster moments everyday - emotions up, emotions down, emotions all around. I hate you, I love you, I want you, I dont need you, Im ok, Im not ok, Why?, Why not?, What did i do?, I didn't do anything!, What's wrong with me?, Nothing is wrong with me!

Its like my mind is a cesspit of irrational thought. A pool of emotion that I find myself drowning in. I cant keep my head up enough to breathe because it is my broken heart that weighs me down.

I tell myself to heal - "Heal heart Heal!" I scream and shout inside my head.

But there is no healing yet.