Vacant

I have survived another day. I'm still alive, not whole, but breathing (barely). I managed to get through some decent meals today and at the very least I can say that this was an accomplishment. I hope that the 8kg that i lost over the period of 6 weeks can be gained back in just a couple but I think it will take longer. I can thank my sister for always having good food in her house not only is the fridge always stacked but it is full of healthy options of fruit, vegetables and healthy snacks. My sister is somewhat of a "food nazi" and she only wants healthy options for her kids. I think in this regard this was a good choice to come here. Food is easy and good. So this makes my life so much simpler. Thank you sis!

On the other hand, I still feel lonely. My niece and nephew are awesome and I love my sister dearly, but I feel so disinterested in the activities that we do. It has nothing to do with the actual activities, but everything to do with me. I spend time playing all sorts of different games with the kids and I feel uninterested, I spend time talking about nonsense with my sister and I feel uninterested, I hang out with my brother in law (who is naturally hilarious) and I am uninterested. I go out for a walk or drive and I feel uninterested. I feel almost like I have no interest in anything at all. I guess this is a symptom of a broken  heart.

Is this what I am now? - An uninterested, passionless shell of a human. I shudder to think of the reality.

I troll the internet trying to find something that will hold my interest, something that will make me smile or laugh or even ponder. But everything feels so meaningless. So shallow, So fake and hollow. I want to have some meaningful conversation, meaningful knowledge, meaningful exchange. I'm tired of surface pleasantries, tired of easy simple conversations. But on the same hand I feel disinterested in hearing what everybody has to say.

I have never been that great at holding conversations with people, but under these conditions I have gone from about a 5 out of 10 to a 0 out of 10. I honestly cannot be fucked to make any effort to humor any casual encounters or even bring myself to contribute anything substantial to more meaningful discussions.

I feel vacant. Like I have no purpose in life, like I have no passion, like I have no aspiration, like I have no interest, like I have nothing there. I'm just a lump of a human body, like a waste of space that should be occupied by somebody else - somebody who does care, somebody who does want, somebody who does action.
I pray deep in my heart that I will once again be somebody who does...