I woke up this morning in tears. I thought i was over this stage of sobbing for no reason, but i guess i am not. I sobbed over my breakfast and then tried to pull it together. Why was this morning so hard for me? what triggered it? I do not know at all. I just wasn't in a good space at all.
Luckily i managed to get through the rest of the day without making a big production of my depression. Even though I was feeling like crap I still managed to pull out the minimal pleasantries that were required to get through the day without a pity party.
Tonight I wasn't even going to write an entry to the blog because I truly have nothing to say. I have been swaying back and forth between, sadness and anger this whole day. One minute i hate kevin and the next i love him. I truly hate that everything was left undone, untied, and even though I long for some sort of closure, knowing the nature of kevin, I know I will never get it. I must just soldier on.
Kevin has closed the door on me so tightly that I cant even find the door again. He shut it, locked it, bricked it up and concealed the door. I am permanently on the other side. He cut me off, I have no way of contacting him. I've been deleted, blocked and cut off from all connection to him. This leaves me with such a huge feeling of rejection. This has damaged my self esteem beyond anything I have experienced in my life.
I feel like an idiot, like a chump because I secretly look forward to the nights where I can fantasize about him coming back to me and saying he thought about it and wants another shot at it and at that moment I get to say everything i want to say and then run back to him with open arms. I feel ashamed to even admit this here on this blog because it is such a desperate fantasy to have.
After all that happened, after thinking of all the hurtful things he said to me, after experiencing him throwing me out on the street in a new country, after realizing all his friends abandoned me and left me to the wolves while spitting at me as I bled, after knowing how kevin portrayed me to be something I am not, after all of this - I still would say "of course my love, I want to be with you".
How blinded and feeble is that?
I feel disgusted by my own self. I never thought I would be one of those women who was so desperate for a man. And kevin is not even a super awesome man, but a difficult man to be with.
I work through each day knowing that he is happy in his little world, knowing that he will be on to the next woman (if not already) and all I was was a "crash test dummy girlfriend". I was nothing but a stepping stone to him. It makes me nauseous to even think of it.
I've been trying to read so many self help books and watch so many clips and inspirational sayings. I get momentary relief sometimes, but other times it just makes me want to roll my eyes. All the cliche sayings just come across as bullshit
"if you love something let it go"
"time heals all wounds"
"It wasn't meant to be"
Ugh!... nah!.... I dont want to hear any of it. I want Nothing of that BS!!!.
Right now I can't think of anything worse than all of that talk.
Everybody says to me - In time you will be grateful for what is happening what this will bring you, you will learn so much about yourself, and improve, and grow and be stronger and expand.
But I say - the broken heart does not want to be grateful for what is happening, the broken heart wants to recover what is lost.
So shut the fuck up!
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