Vindication wanted

Today was a waste day. All I did was sleep and eat and just wasted through the hours until I had to go to bed again and now it is 1 a.m. and i am up and cannot sleep. I feel like i am doing myself an injustice, but i don't know how to summon up the activation energy to do the alternative.

I spoke to a friend of mine today who actually introduced kevin to me. She has been quite helpful in making me feel less bad about the break up and less like it is my fault. She says over and over, "its not you, its him". She says "You deserve better". She says "you will get through this and be stronger". She has all the right words to say and she does comfort me a little.. But she has her life with her owns kids and doesn't have the time to be catering to my needs so it is not often I have her there to drill some sense into my brain.

She has known my struggle and knows my heartache and hell. She has been through something similar before she got married, and I often sob to her saying "How could he be so cold and cut me out like I was a bad tumor and live life so happily now like I meant nothing?". She said to me today that even though kevin seems normal now, like his life is full of his friends and hobbies that he will feel the pain eventually. She said that women process their pain and emotions and face them head on, whereas men tend to hide away and suppress them and this results in men having moments of breaking down later on usually after the woman has completely moved on.

I have to admit I was happy to hear this news. Thinking that eventually kevin will be keeled over in the fetal position holding his head, crying and saying "what did i do?" gave me a sense of joy.
I love that man with everything I have and I find it so hurtful that he can be so cold. I relish in the thought of him being regretful and me finding some vindication in life. However, the truth is that I know if that time was to ever come along, it would not be now when i truly want it, and if ever it did arrive in the future,  I would have moved on and wouldn't even care.

I definitely want to believe my friend, and i want to think that there is some poetic justice to all of this, but other times i just feel as though I know kevin well enough to know he is a heartless machine and he will never face his own emotions. I don't know if I will ever get that vindication I crave. I know Kevin's personality type well enough and he is usually one who sticks to his decision with absolutely no regrets.

Do I really need the vindication? I guess in the long run I don't. However, for the present moments it is thinking about this want for justice that gives me a sense that I am not the problem. That nothing is wrong with me. It makes me hope that kevin is not just a machine and that he is a real human being and that I didnt waste my time loving a man that never loved me back.