Some days I feel ok and I feel there has been some improvement. But there are moments like now where my heart reminds me with great conviction that I am not ok. I miss him so much. All i want is my life back. It may not have been perfect but it sure is better than what I am living now.
I feel like a stuck record in these moments. Like i keep saying the same things over and over. Having the same thoughts over and over. Having the same feelings over and over. Doing the same things over and over. I feel like there is nobody to talk to. Nobody who says anything that makes me feel like there is a greater meaning to all of this. It is such a mental battle and i troll the internet for forums, videos, talks, articles, anything that can justify everything that i think. But of course not even that makes me feel better.
All I want right now is to get back together with him. I think i will be able to talk him into being with me again. That i will be able to convince him that we can work it out. These are classic breakup symptoms. Symptoms that show I have not accepted the reality that he is done with me.
How can I accept that? My brain has been hardwired to be with him for years. To marry him, to love him, to sort through problems with him. How do I un-hardwire my brain?
Relationships have always been extremely important to me.... I always pretend that they are not, but this is usually a defensive action because I am afraid to let people see how vulnerable I actually am.
I try to be 'nonchalant' and play the 'cool' card, and talk to some people like if i don't care that much, like its no big deal, like if I am apathetic towards it ...... my actions make me look like I'm aloof, like I don't give a damn, like I could easily do without this relationship in my life ... and I do this intentionally to people who don't know me very well (the outskirts of my friends) ... I do this to mask my true feelings to the outside world.. I am afraid to let the world see that I am in fact truly vulnerable and open for hurt.
I am not this way with everybody. The people who I consider my close friends and family I am very honest with, and they know my true feelings but that is a very tiny number .....
Why do I act this way? I know I act this way because I honestly care so much and I am afraid of being so hurt. The level of hurt I can experience from allowing myself to be so vulnerable is catastrophic and I truly don't want the world to see me like that (or at least the casual friend). I don't mind my family or best friend seeing me like that, but I certainly don't want the rest of the world to see me that way.
I don't want people to know that I am vulnerable, and can be easily hurt by something so simple. They will think I am weak and pathetic, and nobody gets by in life being weak and pathetic. I've felt this way for most of my life. I can remember being 14 years old and being extremely hurt in high-school after revealing my weakness... I was attacked emotionally and cried for days and days .... In retrospect, the actual thing I was teased about was so dumb, but back then it seemed so important. After being emotionally wounded, I then made the decision to never do that again, to never reveal my weakness, to act like I don't care because this was the best way to hide that I do care.... It was a way to deflect the bullets away from me, to not be a target. It was the best way to get through the battlefields of adolescent insecurity.... I was insecure then... and today I still do it because I am insecure now...
I am not always insecure, but I am not immune to insecurity. The things I am insecure the most about are the things that I care most about... and I can see a pattern arising that these are the moments when I pull out the "whatever, I don't care" card to protect myself.
However, the very action of "seeming like I don't care" to self preserve leads me towards losing what I care about most. Because to kevin it seemed like I didn't give a shit about him ... no matter what I did to convince him otherwise, my actions to the outside world spoke very loudly and clearly ..... He wont ever know that there is complexity and simplicity behind it all ... that there is a reason for me being this way .... and if he ever does find out, I doubt he would even care now, because the damage is already done.
The irony of life can really strangle you.
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