Is it running or closure?

Well I managed to get my self together enough to close off most of my things in NZ and buy myself a ticket to Canada. Whereas I know I have to leave in order to help myself through my loneliness and heartbreak, I also feel extremely sad to say goodbye to NZ.
I spent the last year learning and living in NZ and even though there were many things that were unfamiliar to me, i was slowly conditioning myself to live in NZ and start a family with kevin. I spent the last 3 years knowing (or believing) i would marry him, and i spent the last year accepting and building my life in NZ.
It is hard to say goodbye to this dream now. It is actually harder than I thought.
NZ was always an unusual place for me, I found it riddled with oxymorons (yeah, nah! - NZers know what i mean), but I was just beginning to enjoy it as being part of who I was to become. I find myself saying that I may come back, but I also find it hard to separate NZ from kevin.

Packing all my stuff, getting to the airport and getting on the plane was very hard for me. I had anxiety, sadness and my mind scrolled through hundreds of my memories both happy and sad. I sobbed most of the way through baggage check in, baggage screening and to the gate. Its actually not so bad to be sobbing at the airport, people just think you are sad to leave friends and family behind. This is sort of what I was sad about, except it wasn't people i was sad to leave behind but a life that I was very hopeful and optimistic about. I secretly tell myself that i can come back anytime that i want, and this is true, i can! But will i really want to? The dilemma I face now is the fear of moving on. I feel as though if i am still sad and depressed about the breakup and still wanting to get back together, then maybe it will still happen. If i completely move on and let go, then i will have to say goodbye to my dreams of being with kevin completely and somehow this would cheapen the experience and life I had/want with him.

This is a mental struggle I face at the moment - The desire to get better contrasting with the desire to desperately hold on. Leaving NZ is a right step (at least for a while until I can find my feet again). But I am SCARED SHITLESS of what will happen now. I know in my mind what I would like to happen, but I dont know what life will deliver me.
So I am afraid. Afraid of closure and afraid of running away.