Today was just one of those days that was just total shit. Class was lame, the day was cold, i felt overall crappy, i got my period and just everything just seemed like rubbish all day. I couldnt help but feel once again the whole depression and i know it was because i got that email from Mark (kevin's best friend). I just was slingshot back into the past and i remembered and relived all the mistakes and regrets and shoulda, coulda, woulda 's..... Sigh!
I tried to soothe myself by walking around the city doing some window shopping and so forth, but that just made me feel bad about myself. I saw a reflection of myself in the glass of the shops and i thought to myself. "You look like such a loser". Looking around this city, there are tonnes of young healthy trendy individuals with cool, chic fall looks. The women all dressed in their cute fashion forward fall outfits and their nicely tailored jackets and cool boots. The men all have a European flare to their looks all put together and walk around debonair and smooth. But there I was, in my unflattering washed out jeans, with my misfitting jacket, my old sneakers, disheveled hair and looking unhealthily thin as a rail. I looked so 'non' put together, so 'non' fashionable and so 'non' valuable. I felt my esteem plummet through the floor to an all time low and i just came home. I felt terrible about about everything in my life and then I felt like a pathetic spoilt whiney bitch.
I know my situation is not the worst and I also know that I have so many things that I can be very grateful for and take advantage of. However, I just feel as though I need a kick in the ass to get my act together. I know I feel like shit always. It seems to be a permanent feeling these past few months, and on a regular day I can somewhat force myself to "seem normal". But today, it was not happening. I cried on my walk home from the bus. I dont even know why I was crying, it was just so dumb, but i couldn't help it. I couldn't help but feel as though I was just so low, and i needed some help. Something, to get me, at the very least, feeling ok about myself and not feel like a complete loser. Something needs to be done, and i know the only person who can do something about me is me. Where to start? I don't even know. For some reason i cant even muster up the motivation to shave my legs or tweeze my eyebrows. It all seems like such a feat. I look like a female Sasquatch and i dont even care. But i do care, because i looked at myself in that shop window pain today and i felt ashamed and low. So obviously it bothers me and i should do something about it.
I just need to pull it together. "Pull it together!" i shout to myself...and I mentally tell myself that when i get home i will start the process of looking after myself.
Yet, I got home and didnt do shit. I just slept. I am wasting my life, but I dont know how to stop myself.
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