Acknowledge yourself

It has been 2 months since my last post. Since then, i spent a month in Trinidad the Caribbean. I went back to my home country for a while to reconnect with my family (especially my mum) and my old friends. It conveniently was Carnival time and I also participated in those festivities in my country. I love Carnival and i can honestly say that it is part of who i am. I have been with boyfriends in the past who have not enjoyed Carnival and because of this i sort of curbed my participation of it. However, this year, since i am single and also searching for some self discovery, I decided to go all out with it and enjoy it to the fullest. It was a special year for me in many aspects as I found myself in the midst of so many things that i enjoy. I have been away from my country and friends for a while now and it was great to be amongst them again. I have tried to explore many pieces of my self by challenging myself living in different places and being immersed in the unfamiliar, but this time i took the chance to explore myself by being around the familiar. It was a good experience, and i have to say that i found myself a little bit confused in the beginning of my trip. I was down and depressed and i felt i was back to square one with no progress of life at all. But as time went by i slowly found that i could take a few things away from it all.

Being back home, it was very apparent that kevin was still in my heart. I was reminded of him with 80% of the things I did, saw and encountered. I think it was because i always envisioned my next trip to my home country to be hand in hand with him. I went through ups and downs with my emotions and i have to say this whole break up is taking longer than i ever expected it to take to get over. Sometimes i dont think i will be ever healed, and other times i think that i can move on from it. However, i still crave the desire to just find peace with it all because i am not there yet. It still haunts me in different ways and i still feel robbed and misunderstood and almost like i have had to walk away from an unfinished puzzle. The non-finality of it all drives me insane.

Anyway, i guess what i can take away from my recent excursion is that i am a little closer to me. I am a little more aware of who i am, where i am from and what i want to be. I feel as though i have grown a bit in my ability to admit my desires and not be ashamed of them. I dont want to compromise on my life anymore. Perhaps it has made me more selfish but I think that selfish is not always a bad thing sometimes. I am still confused about the direction my life should and will take now, but one thing i can be sure of is whatever i do next, it will be done with me fiercely acknowledging who I am.