Hidden heart

I have been avoiding this blog for weeks now, mainly because i have been trying to forget the whole break up. Somehow coming back here reminds me of what happened. However, i have been feeling as though i should write. Im not sure what to write but i have been thinking of this blog lots in the recent days i and think that some therapeutic writing is in order.
I have been studying french classes, and i have also been dating. Online dating that is, because i am not sure how to make friends in this country and it doesnt seem as though there are many guys knocking on my door. So i decided to join pof. I wrote about my last date in my last blog and since then i have been on dates with 8 different guys.... and well out of all of them, i only kind of get along really well with one of them. However, he isnt that good looking and also i dont think that i would ever really want to get too serious with him because he is kind of a buddy sort of guy to me. There is another one who is very goodlooking, however i dont seem to have a connection with him on a deep level. He speaks french and english is not his first language, so communication is a bit tricky at times, but he is very sweet. In some ways i find him to lack ambition and sort of is stuck in the outskirts of life - which is definitely not the type of man i want to end up with. I dont think i will ever be happy with him as he doesnt have the level of maturity that i look for in a man.

Anyway, i have been out on all of these dates and honestly, it has been kind of fun but at the same time it is torture. I find that these encounters remind me of how much i love kevin and how much I miss him.
They make me think that i want to get back with him even more. However, they have also reminded me that some people just dont match up.... and i dont think getting back together with kevin is ever going to be possible. Today has been the first day for me to really believe that i will never get back together with kevin. Before i would say the words but in my heart i always felt that maybe one day we would reconcile. However, today, while i was taking a shower before i came to write this blog, i had this feeling that kevin and I are over for good and there is absolutely no turning back. Im not sure how exactly this dawned on me, but it did. I feel sad about this, because I am a hopeless romantic and i feel as though there is something missing from my life. I feel as though there is a piece of me that was lost to somebody who doesnt appreciate it and never will understand the depths of what i would have done for him. It is a pity that i was in this position, as i feel it was all a waste. I still feel lost in my own life now because of this experience, and now, knowing that there is no turning back, i feel even more lost.

I know people say to learn from relationships and dont regret, but i regret this one. I really do, and i dont hate kevin or wish him anything negative. It is the opposite, i love him so much and i want him to have a good life. I wish that his life was with me, but it will never be. And so because of this, i wish it never happened, so i would not have this scar on my heart, because with this scar my heart doesnt work as good as it did before and i know i wont love like i loved before.

I see these poor guys that i date and i know that they will never be for me, but i date them to just kill some time. To distract myself from my reality and to help myself to keep calm while my heart takes its time to heal. These men dont know the depths of the scars on my heart, and i wont ever tell them anyway. I dont think i would ever give my heart to any man the way i gave it to kevin. For now my heart is hidden, and i do not know how long it will stay in the dark or if i will ever bring it out again. It is a pity, because my heart is the biggest part of me that i can give.