A few things have happened since i last wrote on this blog. Sometimes i feel as though i have a sixth sense and other times i think maybe it was just a coincidence. I guess i will explain. After my last post I felt really sad about kevin and i missed him dearly. I would not go through the whole ins and outs of what i felt, because it is the same repeat story over and over about how much i love him. Anyway, why i say that sometimes i think i have a sixth sense, is because whenever i feel this way, there is always something that pops up relating to kevin. Anyway, low and behold after a couple days, I get an email from Mark (his best friend). So i get this email from Mark just checking up on me. I reply to Mark and give him some brief details on how i was doing and where i was. I never want to go to deep in writing to mark because we all know about the track record we have had in the past. But anyway, i still responded out of good nature. In my email i also mentioned that I know that kevin is all over this breakup but i am still having trouble with it. I did not expect to get any kind of sympathy from Mark, but at the very least, sometimes i feel as though i just need to say my piece.
I didn't get a reply from him for a few days, and i sort of wasn't expecting one, but a reply came. In his reply, mark goes through the pleasantries and talks about how in time we both will heal our wounds and he also says that he wants to mention that kevin is not over this break up and also was having lots of trouble with it.
I have to admit this sort of changed my feelings quite a bit. I felt 2 things. Firstly i felt, what the hell?? why did he dump me if this is so much of a struggle for him and me? It makes no logical sense! ... and Secondly, i felt "I'm glad you are suffering kevin, because i have been irreparably broken". In fact, hearing of his pain gave me somewhat of a feeling of power. Sort of like, i am happy that you are suffering because you made the wrong decision!!
It was a feeling of vengeance sort of where i was feeling vindicated somewhat and wanted to relish in the thought of his torture. That same night i went out on a date specifically so i can fuel my egotistical feelings of silent revenge. It was silly, because halfway through the date i missed kevin once more and wished that the man who was with me was kevin.
Since this period, i have not gotten a grips on my feelings. I do not know if this information has helped me move on or is making me want to be back with him even more. My feelings are conflicted. I love kevin very much and a part of me wants to desperately write him an email and confess all my love to him and try to work things out with him. But then another part of me says that i need to just move on and forget it and keep my integrity in tact, because he doesnt want me. Take a fresh start with somebody new and somewhere new. I walk this thin line where i dont know what i should do at all. I feel as though i cant trust my own feelings and i dont want to trust my rational mind. I feel like i am a fool, but at the same time i dont want to believe i am a fool.
I kind of wish i had a little bit of a sign to help me get some perspective. I dont need a physical sign but more of a clarity of thought. Something that can guide me towards something and anchor me to a choice. I long for something to help me start building once again the blocks of my life.
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