It has been 2 months since my last post. Since then, i spent a month in Trinidad the Caribbean. I went back to my home country for a while to reconnect with my family (especially my mum) and my old friends. It conveniently was Carnival time and I also participated in those festivities in my country. I love Carnival and i can honestly say that it is part of who i am. I have been with boyfriends in the past who have not enjoyed Carnival and because of this i sort of curbed my participation of it. However, this year, since i am single and also searching for some self discovery, I decided to go all out with it and enjoy it to the fullest. It was a special year for me in many aspects as I found myself in the midst of so many things that i enjoy. I have been away from my country and friends for a while now and it was great to be amongst them again. I have tried to explore many pieces of my self by challenging myself living in different places and being immersed in the unfamiliar, but this time i took the chance to explore myself by being around the familiar. It was a good experience, and i have to say that i found myself a little bit confused in the beginning of my trip. I was down and depressed and i felt i was back to square one with no progress of life at all. But as time went by i slowly found that i could take a few things away from it all.
Being back home, it was very apparent that kevin was still in my heart. I was reminded of him with 80% of the things I did, saw and encountered. I think it was because i always envisioned my next trip to my home country to be hand in hand with him. I went through ups and downs with my emotions and i have to say this whole break up is taking longer than i ever expected it to take to get over. Sometimes i dont think i will be ever healed, and other times i think that i can move on from it. However, i still crave the desire to just find peace with it all because i am not there yet. It still haunts me in different ways and i still feel robbed and misunderstood and almost like i have had to walk away from an unfinished puzzle. The non-finality of it all drives me insane.
Anyway, i guess what i can take away from my recent excursion is that i am a little closer to me. I am a little more aware of who i am, where i am from and what i want to be. I feel as though i have grown a bit in my ability to admit my desires and not be ashamed of them. I dont want to compromise on my life anymore. Perhaps it has made me more selfish but I think that selfish is not always a bad thing sometimes. I am still confused about the direction my life should and will take now, but one thing i can be sure of is whatever i do next, it will be done with me fiercely acknowledging who I am.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Function as a human
Well, its been 3 months since my last post. There has been lots that has happened. I spent Christmas with my family in Canada and then I was supposed to move back to my country (in the Caribbean) before new years day of 2014. The Christmas was great, white and snowy with the beautiful atmosphere, and i felt happy to be with my sister and her kids for the festivities. However, I did not leave for the Caribbean after Christmas. There was a world wind of family dramas and now I have moved to Toronto. I am here in Toronto with my sister and I am staying here for a few months. Ringing in the new year of 2014 wasn't so great for me. I spent it in Downtown Toronto looking at fire works with a friend i had met about 2 months prior. He is a very sweet guy, but he suffers from Bipolar and he isn't the man for me. He told me he was in love with me on new years and I immediately wanted to run away. Luckily I managed to tell him we can only be friends and he was ok with that.
So it seemed like my new year had already started out with me wanting to run away. It was all very strange. I had never expected to be in Toronto for New Years day and even less thought i would spend the greater part of 2014 there. Here i was once again in a new city having to find my way around and still living out of my suitcase. This is the 3rd city I have to adapt to in a matter of a year. I felt again lost and confused but also hopeful desperate for the potential of finding something new and refreshing.
Ive been here for about 3 weeks now and i was beginning to wonder what the culture is all about. The people here seem very guarded and the men don't seem to be very aggressive or upfront, and ive found it challenging to really be myself. I have once again resorted to internet sites and online dating to meet people and it proved to be hugely different than in Montreal. In Toronto, it is difficult, disturbing and disenchanting whereas while i was in Montreal it was more fun, easy and less creepy. But i guess the city is bigger and you have to work harder at finding someone who is like you. A person told me that online dating is full of the 'discarded'. I believe this to be true sometimes, and perhaps i guess that means i am 'discarded' too.
Anyway, here i am 7 months since the break up with kevin and i was beginning to think i was moving on from kevin and moving on from the shitty breakup experience until....
Well, my friend (Rhea) who lives in Toronto invited me over to her place. But this is not just any friend, this is the friend who introduced me to kevin... and this is not just the person who introduced me to kevin, but also she is married to kevin's brother (Paul). Anyway, i was reluctant to visit Rhea and Paul's house because i just felt perhaps everything will come back to me and i will be once again at square one. But i just had to visit because Rhea and Paul were my friends before i knew kevin and also they have always been good to me and supported me. They also have 2 kids and i actually taught these 2 kids in preschool years ago and we have been in touch always. So we have somewhat of a history even before kevin and i dated.
So, i managed to get myself over to their place, and it was fine. Rhea and Paul were just excellent and neither of them brought up any talk of the breakup or kevin or any of these things... we had a great lunch and we spoke about the kids and other things in life. It was nice to see them again with the exception that Paul (being kevin's brother) resembled kevin very much and every glance reminded me of kevin and my heart would sink whenever i had to look at him. As a result, i avoided even looking in his direction at all. I am sure he probably felt my cold demeanor towards him, and perhaps he would know the reason or not, but i was not going to share that reason by any means. Spending the day with them reminded me of everything that i wanted with kevin. It reminded me of what i wanted in my life (which was a family).... and it reminded me that i want not only a man to marry but a companion next to me that i can be myself with and take on adventures. Kevin was somebody i wanted to fill that position. But it did not work out unfortunately. But being around Rhea and Paul also reminded me of the type of man that i want and the type of wife and mother i want to be. It reminded me of why i thought kevin was so perfect. These past few months i have been on dates with so many guys and they all have had something that i didnt want in my future man. From unambitious, to pretentious, to unimaginative, to uneducated, to unadventurous, to uncreative, to illogical, to just crazy. It reminded me that kevin held so many qualities that i genuinely wanted in my children and qualities that i wanted to supplement my shortcomings. Kevin was always the complete opposite to me, but he also was somebody who forced me to look at myself and improve myself in ways that I had never done before. Will there be anybody else like that? I think that there are many. Will i find a guy like that for me? Im not sure where to look if i keep moving around the planet.
Anyway, after my visit to Rhea and Paul, I found myself at home in bed feeling a bit wounded. Not necessarily wounded by Rhea and Paul, but more of a realization that i am still wounded by it all. Deep down inside, my heart still misses kevin and traces of my longing for what i had still remains. My heart was bleeding and over the passed 7 months i have grown a skin over it like a case to stop the bleeding from spilling into the rest of my body while the healing can take place... But under that skin my heart is still not healed.... i can feel that it still hurts when i peak inside that case. The pieces are not fully back together and even though i have managed to compartmentalize it - inside that compartment it is still a bit of a mess. I know that i am taking steps forward, and in spite of everything that people say to me or try to convince me of, I have my instincts and i know how i feel. On one hand i genuinely feel that the life with kevin was meant for me and on the other hand i know i have to let go of it. Letting go is never easy and holding on to false hopes is never a good thing. So for now i will just close back that compartment that holds the pieces of my heart, seal it tight and not look inside again for a while. It might not be the best choice, but for now it is the only way for me to remain sane and function as a human.
So it seemed like my new year had already started out with me wanting to run away. It was all very strange. I had never expected to be in Toronto for New Years day and even less thought i would spend the greater part of 2014 there. Here i was once again in a new city having to find my way around and still living out of my suitcase. This is the 3rd city I have to adapt to in a matter of a year. I felt again lost and confused but also hopeful desperate for the potential of finding something new and refreshing.
Ive been here for about 3 weeks now and i was beginning to wonder what the culture is all about. The people here seem very guarded and the men don't seem to be very aggressive or upfront, and ive found it challenging to really be myself. I have once again resorted to internet sites and online dating to meet people and it proved to be hugely different than in Montreal. In Toronto, it is difficult, disturbing and disenchanting whereas while i was in Montreal it was more fun, easy and less creepy. But i guess the city is bigger and you have to work harder at finding someone who is like you. A person told me that online dating is full of the 'discarded'. I believe this to be true sometimes, and perhaps i guess that means i am 'discarded' too.
Anyway, here i am 7 months since the break up with kevin and i was beginning to think i was moving on from kevin and moving on from the shitty breakup experience until....
Well, my friend (Rhea) who lives in Toronto invited me over to her place. But this is not just any friend, this is the friend who introduced me to kevin... and this is not just the person who introduced me to kevin, but also she is married to kevin's brother (Paul). Anyway, i was reluctant to visit Rhea and Paul's house because i just felt perhaps everything will come back to me and i will be once again at square one. But i just had to visit because Rhea and Paul were my friends before i knew kevin and also they have always been good to me and supported me. They also have 2 kids and i actually taught these 2 kids in preschool years ago and we have been in touch always. So we have somewhat of a history even before kevin and i dated.
So, i managed to get myself over to their place, and it was fine. Rhea and Paul were just excellent and neither of them brought up any talk of the breakup or kevin or any of these things... we had a great lunch and we spoke about the kids and other things in life. It was nice to see them again with the exception that Paul (being kevin's brother) resembled kevin very much and every glance reminded me of kevin and my heart would sink whenever i had to look at him. As a result, i avoided even looking in his direction at all. I am sure he probably felt my cold demeanor towards him, and perhaps he would know the reason or not, but i was not going to share that reason by any means. Spending the day with them reminded me of everything that i wanted with kevin. It reminded me of what i wanted in my life (which was a family).... and it reminded me that i want not only a man to marry but a companion next to me that i can be myself with and take on adventures. Kevin was somebody i wanted to fill that position. But it did not work out unfortunately. But being around Rhea and Paul also reminded me of the type of man that i want and the type of wife and mother i want to be. It reminded me of why i thought kevin was so perfect. These past few months i have been on dates with so many guys and they all have had something that i didnt want in my future man. From unambitious, to pretentious, to unimaginative, to uneducated, to unadventurous, to uncreative, to illogical, to just crazy. It reminded me that kevin held so many qualities that i genuinely wanted in my children and qualities that i wanted to supplement my shortcomings. Kevin was always the complete opposite to me, but he also was somebody who forced me to look at myself and improve myself in ways that I had never done before. Will there be anybody else like that? I think that there are many. Will i find a guy like that for me? Im not sure where to look if i keep moving around the planet.
Anyway, after my visit to Rhea and Paul, I found myself at home in bed feeling a bit wounded. Not necessarily wounded by Rhea and Paul, but more of a realization that i am still wounded by it all. Deep down inside, my heart still misses kevin and traces of my longing for what i had still remains. My heart was bleeding and over the passed 7 months i have grown a skin over it like a case to stop the bleeding from spilling into the rest of my body while the healing can take place... But under that skin my heart is still not healed.... i can feel that it still hurts when i peak inside that case. The pieces are not fully back together and even though i have managed to compartmentalize it - inside that compartment it is still a bit of a mess. I know that i am taking steps forward, and in spite of everything that people say to me or try to convince me of, I have my instincts and i know how i feel. On one hand i genuinely feel that the life with kevin was meant for me and on the other hand i know i have to let go of it. Letting go is never easy and holding on to false hopes is never a good thing. So for now i will just close back that compartment that holds the pieces of my heart, seal it tight and not look inside again for a while. It might not be the best choice, but for now it is the only way for me to remain sane and function as a human.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Silent Vengeance Deflated
A few things have happened since i last wrote on this blog. Sometimes i feel as though i have a sixth sense and other times i think maybe it was just a coincidence. I guess i will explain. After my last post I felt really sad about kevin and i missed him dearly. I would not go through the whole ins and outs of what i felt, because it is the same repeat story over and over about how much i love him. Anyway, why i say that sometimes i think i have a sixth sense, is because whenever i feel this way, there is always something that pops up relating to kevin. Anyway, low and behold after a couple days, I get an email from Mark (his best friend). So i get this email from Mark just checking up on me. I reply to Mark and give him some brief details on how i was doing and where i was. I never want to go to deep in writing to mark because we all know about the track record we have had in the past. But anyway, i still responded out of good nature. In my email i also mentioned that I know that kevin is all over this breakup but i am still having trouble with it. I did not expect to get any kind of sympathy from Mark, but at the very least, sometimes i feel as though i just need to say my piece.
I didn't get a reply from him for a few days, and i sort of wasn't expecting one, but a reply came. In his reply, mark goes through the pleasantries and talks about how in time we both will heal our wounds and he also says that he wants to mention that kevin is not over this break up and also was having lots of trouble with it.
I have to admit this sort of changed my feelings quite a bit. I felt 2 things. Firstly i felt, what the hell?? why did he dump me if this is so much of a struggle for him and me? It makes no logical sense! ... and Secondly, i felt "I'm glad you are suffering kevin, because i have been irreparably broken". In fact, hearing of his pain gave me somewhat of a feeling of power. Sort of like, i am happy that you are suffering because you made the wrong decision!!
It was a feeling of vengeance sort of where i was feeling vindicated somewhat and wanted to relish in the thought of his torture. That same night i went out on a date specifically so i can fuel my egotistical feelings of silent revenge. It was silly, because halfway through the date i missed kevin once more and wished that the man who was with me was kevin.
Since this period, i have not gotten a grips on my feelings. I do not know if this information has helped me move on or is making me want to be back with him even more. My feelings are conflicted. I love kevin very much and a part of me wants to desperately write him an email and confess all my love to him and try to work things out with him. But then another part of me says that i need to just move on and forget it and keep my integrity in tact, because he doesnt want me. Take a fresh start with somebody new and somewhere new. I walk this thin line where i dont know what i should do at all. I feel as though i cant trust my own feelings and i dont want to trust my rational mind. I feel like i am a fool, but at the same time i dont want to believe i am a fool.
I kind of wish i had a little bit of a sign to help me get some perspective. I dont need a physical sign but more of a clarity of thought. Something that can guide me towards something and anchor me to a choice. I long for something to help me start building once again the blocks of my life.
I didn't get a reply from him for a few days, and i sort of wasn't expecting one, but a reply came. In his reply, mark goes through the pleasantries and talks about how in time we both will heal our wounds and he also says that he wants to mention that kevin is not over this break up and also was having lots of trouble with it.
I have to admit this sort of changed my feelings quite a bit. I felt 2 things. Firstly i felt, what the hell?? why did he dump me if this is so much of a struggle for him and me? It makes no logical sense! ... and Secondly, i felt "I'm glad you are suffering kevin, because i have been irreparably broken". In fact, hearing of his pain gave me somewhat of a feeling of power. Sort of like, i am happy that you are suffering because you made the wrong decision!!
It was a feeling of vengeance sort of where i was feeling vindicated somewhat and wanted to relish in the thought of his torture. That same night i went out on a date specifically so i can fuel my egotistical feelings of silent revenge. It was silly, because halfway through the date i missed kevin once more and wished that the man who was with me was kevin.
Since this period, i have not gotten a grips on my feelings. I do not know if this information has helped me move on or is making me want to be back with him even more. My feelings are conflicted. I love kevin very much and a part of me wants to desperately write him an email and confess all my love to him and try to work things out with him. But then another part of me says that i need to just move on and forget it and keep my integrity in tact, because he doesnt want me. Take a fresh start with somebody new and somewhere new. I walk this thin line where i dont know what i should do at all. I feel as though i cant trust my own feelings and i dont want to trust my rational mind. I feel like i am a fool, but at the same time i dont want to believe i am a fool.
I kind of wish i had a little bit of a sign to help me get some perspective. I dont need a physical sign but more of a clarity of thought. Something that can guide me towards something and anchor me to a choice. I long for something to help me start building once again the blocks of my life.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Hidden heart
I have been avoiding this blog for weeks now, mainly because i have been trying to forget the whole break up. Somehow coming back here reminds me of what happened. However, i have been feeling as though i should write. Im not sure what to write but i have been thinking of this blog lots in the recent days i and think that some therapeutic writing is in order.
I have been studying french classes, and i have also been dating. Online dating that is, because i am not sure how to make friends in this country and it doesnt seem as though there are many guys knocking on my door. So i decided to join pof. I wrote about my last date in my last blog and since then i have been on dates with 8 different guys.... and well out of all of them, i only kind of get along really well with one of them. However, he isnt that good looking and also i dont think that i would ever really want to get too serious with him because he is kind of a buddy sort of guy to me. There is another one who is very goodlooking, however i dont seem to have a connection with him on a deep level. He speaks french and english is not his first language, so communication is a bit tricky at times, but he is very sweet. In some ways i find him to lack ambition and sort of is stuck in the outskirts of life - which is definitely not the type of man i want to end up with. I dont think i will ever be happy with him as he doesnt have the level of maturity that i look for in a man.
Anyway, i have been out on all of these dates and honestly, it has been kind of fun but at the same time it is torture. I find that these encounters remind me of how much i love kevin and how much I miss him.
They make me think that i want to get back with him even more. However, they have also reminded me that some people just dont match up.... and i dont think getting back together with kevin is ever going to be possible. Today has been the first day for me to really believe that i will never get back together with kevin. Before i would say the words but in my heart i always felt that maybe one day we would reconcile. However, today, while i was taking a shower before i came to write this blog, i had this feeling that kevin and I are over for good and there is absolutely no turning back. Im not sure how exactly this dawned on me, but it did. I feel sad about this, because I am a hopeless romantic and i feel as though there is something missing from my life. I feel as though there is a piece of me that was lost to somebody who doesnt appreciate it and never will understand the depths of what i would have done for him. It is a pity that i was in this position, as i feel it was all a waste. I still feel lost in my own life now because of this experience, and now, knowing that there is no turning back, i feel even more lost.
I know people say to learn from relationships and dont regret, but i regret this one. I really do, and i dont hate kevin or wish him anything negative. It is the opposite, i love him so much and i want him to have a good life. I wish that his life was with me, but it will never be. And so because of this, i wish it never happened, so i would not have this scar on my heart, because with this scar my heart doesnt work as good as it did before and i know i wont love like i loved before.
I see these poor guys that i date and i know that they will never be for me, but i date them to just kill some time. To distract myself from my reality and to help myself to keep calm while my heart takes its time to heal. These men dont know the depths of the scars on my heart, and i wont ever tell them anyway. I dont think i would ever give my heart to any man the way i gave it to kevin. For now my heart is hidden, and i do not know how long it will stay in the dark or if i will ever bring it out again. It is a pity, because my heart is the biggest part of me that i can give.
I have been studying french classes, and i have also been dating. Online dating that is, because i am not sure how to make friends in this country and it doesnt seem as though there are many guys knocking on my door. So i decided to join pof. I wrote about my last date in my last blog and since then i have been on dates with 8 different guys.... and well out of all of them, i only kind of get along really well with one of them. However, he isnt that good looking and also i dont think that i would ever really want to get too serious with him because he is kind of a buddy sort of guy to me. There is another one who is very goodlooking, however i dont seem to have a connection with him on a deep level. He speaks french and english is not his first language, so communication is a bit tricky at times, but he is very sweet. In some ways i find him to lack ambition and sort of is stuck in the outskirts of life - which is definitely not the type of man i want to end up with. I dont think i will ever be happy with him as he doesnt have the level of maturity that i look for in a man.
Anyway, i have been out on all of these dates and honestly, it has been kind of fun but at the same time it is torture. I find that these encounters remind me of how much i love kevin and how much I miss him.
They make me think that i want to get back with him even more. However, they have also reminded me that some people just dont match up.... and i dont think getting back together with kevin is ever going to be possible. Today has been the first day for me to really believe that i will never get back together with kevin. Before i would say the words but in my heart i always felt that maybe one day we would reconcile. However, today, while i was taking a shower before i came to write this blog, i had this feeling that kevin and I are over for good and there is absolutely no turning back. Im not sure how exactly this dawned on me, but it did. I feel sad about this, because I am a hopeless romantic and i feel as though there is something missing from my life. I feel as though there is a piece of me that was lost to somebody who doesnt appreciate it and never will understand the depths of what i would have done for him. It is a pity that i was in this position, as i feel it was all a waste. I still feel lost in my own life now because of this experience, and now, knowing that there is no turning back, i feel even more lost.
I know people say to learn from relationships and dont regret, but i regret this one. I really do, and i dont hate kevin or wish him anything negative. It is the opposite, i love him so much and i want him to have a good life. I wish that his life was with me, but it will never be. And so because of this, i wish it never happened, so i would not have this scar on my heart, because with this scar my heart doesnt work as good as it did before and i know i wont love like i loved before.
I see these poor guys that i date and i know that they will never be for me, but i date them to just kill some time. To distract myself from my reality and to help myself to keep calm while my heart takes its time to heal. These men dont know the depths of the scars on my heart, and i wont ever tell them anyway. I dont think i would ever give my heart to any man the way i gave it to kevin. For now my heart is hidden, and i do not know how long it will stay in the dark or if i will ever bring it out again. It is a pity, because my heart is the biggest part of me that i can give.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Guilt of moving on
So after having such a horrible time, I managed to recover a bit. Now I can only describe it as "a bit" because all the improvement is that I didn't cry walking home from my classes.
I had lots of things on my mind recently and one of the more concerning things was that I need to start back working again soon because my money is very low and I am currently just mooching off of my sister. This is not a good image for a woman who is 31. It actually is pathetic.
So I said to myself that I need to get a grip.
I was talking to my sister and brother in law a few days ago. The conversation came up with dating and so forth. I just couldn't really bare the thought of being with another man beside Kevin. But the truth is that Kevin doesn't want me, so I need to find somebody who will actually value my worth.
"Do you know what my mother says about getting over somebody?" My brother in law said to me.
"No, what?" I asked
" Well, my 85 year old mother with all of her life's experience says - the best way to get over a man is to get under another."
"Goodness!" I think to myself... and we all have a bit of a laugh thinking about Grandma B talking about getting under a man. Honestly, Grandma B has always been a very hip and happening old lady quite liberal I have to say. But somehow thinking of Grandma B telling me to get under a man was just hilarious to say the least.
Anyway, that evening I was also messaging a friend of mine who lives in Toronto. She is single and is in her 30s as well and she was going out on a date that evening. I felt like everybody around me were throwing hints to me that I need to distract myself with another date at least. So I asked my friend how does she meet men. "POF (plenty of fish online dating) you need to join it" was her response, ... she uses it all the time to find dates. I never thought I would turn to internet dating, but seeing as I am in a new country and I really have no friends or any true way to meet anybody I figured why not. I made up a profile and I put up a relatively decent picture but not over the top. I got many responses in a matter of a day and I was shocked at how many people actually showed interest.
I felt as though, ok well this might be easier than going out to meet guys somewhere. I sent a few replies and had short conversations with a couple men, but most of them died out with lack of interest and I felt grossed out by a whole lot of others. There are some characters that just make you feel horrible. Anyway, after a day or two, I started to feel really down and crap about the whole online thing as though even in a cyber world I was only attracting creepy old guys, and I was about to delete my profile when I started a conversation with one guy.
He seemed like a normal human being and his picture wasn't really that good looking, but he wasn't that bad. He asked me out and I said fine, and so I went out with him today.
When I first met him, I figured he wasn't as good looking as his photos, and he also was the same height as I was and I was wearing flats. This wasn't so great for me actually because I want to wear heels every now and then and its not great when you are taller than the guy. But I don't want to be superficial, so I can overlook this quality. Anyway the date was fine, he was interesting to talk to, we walked about the city and he paid for the lunch we had. Overall it was fine. At the end of the day, he said he would like to meet me again and I said "sure", but deep down inside my gut I knew I didn't really want to take this further. It wasn't because he was short, or because he wasn't interesting enough or because he wasn't as good looking as his picture. None of those things really mattered. It was because I am still in love with Kevin. I came home thinking that the date was a pretty good one, but I felt this sinking feeling in my heart of guilt. Guilt! why guilt? I just couldn't help it, every bone in my body felt anxiety and just overall remorse of the whole date.
Ugh! why? why is it just not possible for me to have a fulfilling time with somebody who is a good normal and decent guy?
Sigh... I hate this process... and I want to move on, but I don't want to move on. I just feel like crap. Crap! I tell you, Crap!
I just want my love back. Nothing seems to compare to my lost love.
I want to cry
God! so pathetic....
I had lots of things on my mind recently and one of the more concerning things was that I need to start back working again soon because my money is very low and I am currently just mooching off of my sister. This is not a good image for a woman who is 31. It actually is pathetic.
So I said to myself that I need to get a grip.
I was talking to my sister and brother in law a few days ago. The conversation came up with dating and so forth. I just couldn't really bare the thought of being with another man beside Kevin. But the truth is that Kevin doesn't want me, so I need to find somebody who will actually value my worth.
"Do you know what my mother says about getting over somebody?" My brother in law said to me.
"No, what?" I asked
" Well, my 85 year old mother with all of her life's experience says - the best way to get over a man is to get under another."
"Goodness!" I think to myself... and we all have a bit of a laugh thinking about Grandma B talking about getting under a man. Honestly, Grandma B has always been a very hip and happening old lady quite liberal I have to say. But somehow thinking of Grandma B telling me to get under a man was just hilarious to say the least.
Anyway, that evening I was also messaging a friend of mine who lives in Toronto. She is single and is in her 30s as well and she was going out on a date that evening. I felt like everybody around me were throwing hints to me that I need to distract myself with another date at least. So I asked my friend how does she meet men. "POF (plenty of fish online dating) you need to join it" was her response, ... she uses it all the time to find dates. I never thought I would turn to internet dating, but seeing as I am in a new country and I really have no friends or any true way to meet anybody I figured why not. I made up a profile and I put up a relatively decent picture but not over the top. I got many responses in a matter of a day and I was shocked at how many people actually showed interest.
I felt as though, ok well this might be easier than going out to meet guys somewhere. I sent a few replies and had short conversations with a couple men, but most of them died out with lack of interest and I felt grossed out by a whole lot of others. There are some characters that just make you feel horrible. Anyway, after a day or two, I started to feel really down and crap about the whole online thing as though even in a cyber world I was only attracting creepy old guys, and I was about to delete my profile when I started a conversation with one guy.
He seemed like a normal human being and his picture wasn't really that good looking, but he wasn't that bad. He asked me out and I said fine, and so I went out with him today.
When I first met him, I figured he wasn't as good looking as his photos, and he also was the same height as I was and I was wearing flats. This wasn't so great for me actually because I want to wear heels every now and then and its not great when you are taller than the guy. But I don't want to be superficial, so I can overlook this quality. Anyway the date was fine, he was interesting to talk to, we walked about the city and he paid for the lunch we had. Overall it was fine. At the end of the day, he said he would like to meet me again and I said "sure", but deep down inside my gut I knew I didn't really want to take this further. It wasn't because he was short, or because he wasn't interesting enough or because he wasn't as good looking as his picture. None of those things really mattered. It was because I am still in love with Kevin. I came home thinking that the date was a pretty good one, but I felt this sinking feeling in my heart of guilt. Guilt! why guilt? I just couldn't help it, every bone in my body felt anxiety and just overall remorse of the whole date.
Ugh! why? why is it just not possible for me to have a fulfilling time with somebody who is a good normal and decent guy?
Sigh... I hate this process... and I want to move on, but I don't want to move on. I just feel like crap. Crap! I tell you, Crap!
I just want my love back. Nothing seems to compare to my lost love.
I want to cry
God! so pathetic....
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
How to stop myself
Today was just one of those days that was just total shit. Class was lame, the day was cold, i felt overall crappy, i got my period and just everything just seemed like rubbish all day. I couldnt help but feel once again the whole depression and i know it was because i got that email from Mark (kevin's best friend). I just was slingshot back into the past and i remembered and relived all the mistakes and regrets and shoulda, coulda, woulda 's..... Sigh!
I tried to soothe myself by walking around the city doing some window shopping and so forth, but that just made me feel bad about myself. I saw a reflection of myself in the glass of the shops and i thought to myself. "You look like such a loser". Looking around this city, there are tonnes of young healthy trendy individuals with cool, chic fall looks. The women all dressed in their cute fashion forward fall outfits and their nicely tailored jackets and cool boots. The men all have a European flare to their looks all put together and walk around debonair and smooth. But there I was, in my unflattering washed out jeans, with my misfitting jacket, my old sneakers, disheveled hair and looking unhealthily thin as a rail. I looked so 'non' put together, so 'non' fashionable and so 'non' valuable. I felt my esteem plummet through the floor to an all time low and i just came home. I felt terrible about about everything in my life and then I felt like a pathetic spoilt whiney bitch.
I know my situation is not the worst and I also know that I have so many things that I can be very grateful for and take advantage of. However, I just feel as though I need a kick in the ass to get my act together. I know I feel like shit always. It seems to be a permanent feeling these past few months, and on a regular day I can somewhat force myself to "seem normal". But today, it was not happening. I cried on my walk home from the bus. I dont even know why I was crying, it was just so dumb, but i couldn't help it. I couldn't help but feel as though I was just so low, and i needed some help. Something, to get me, at the very least, feeling ok about myself and not feel like a complete loser. Something needs to be done, and i know the only person who can do something about me is me. Where to start? I don't even know. For some reason i cant even muster up the motivation to shave my legs or tweeze my eyebrows. It all seems like such a feat. I look like a female Sasquatch and i dont even care. But i do care, because i looked at myself in that shop window pain today and i felt ashamed and low. So obviously it bothers me and i should do something about it.
I just need to pull it together. "Pull it together!" i shout to myself...and I mentally tell myself that when i get home i will start the process of looking after myself.
Yet, I got home and didnt do shit. I just slept. I am wasting my life, but I dont know how to stop myself.
I tried to soothe myself by walking around the city doing some window shopping and so forth, but that just made me feel bad about myself. I saw a reflection of myself in the glass of the shops and i thought to myself. "You look like such a loser". Looking around this city, there are tonnes of young healthy trendy individuals with cool, chic fall looks. The women all dressed in their cute fashion forward fall outfits and their nicely tailored jackets and cool boots. The men all have a European flare to their looks all put together and walk around debonair and smooth. But there I was, in my unflattering washed out jeans, with my misfitting jacket, my old sneakers, disheveled hair and looking unhealthily thin as a rail. I looked so 'non' put together, so 'non' fashionable and so 'non' valuable. I felt my esteem plummet through the floor to an all time low and i just came home. I felt terrible about about everything in my life and then I felt like a pathetic spoilt whiney bitch.
I know my situation is not the worst and I also know that I have so many things that I can be very grateful for and take advantage of. However, I just feel as though I need a kick in the ass to get my act together. I know I feel like shit always. It seems to be a permanent feeling these past few months, and on a regular day I can somewhat force myself to "seem normal". But today, it was not happening. I cried on my walk home from the bus. I dont even know why I was crying, it was just so dumb, but i couldn't help it. I couldn't help but feel as though I was just so low, and i needed some help. Something, to get me, at the very least, feeling ok about myself and not feel like a complete loser. Something needs to be done, and i know the only person who can do something about me is me. Where to start? I don't even know. For some reason i cant even muster up the motivation to shave my legs or tweeze my eyebrows. It all seems like such a feat. I look like a female Sasquatch and i dont even care. But i do care, because i looked at myself in that shop window pain today and i felt ashamed and low. So obviously it bothers me and i should do something about it.
I just need to pull it together. "Pull it together!" i shout to myself...and I mentally tell myself that when i get home i will start the process of looking after myself.
Yet, I got home and didnt do shit. I just slept. I am wasting my life, but I dont know how to stop myself.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Parts
Today i got 2 emails from people connected to kevin. The first email was an email from the friend of mine who actually introduced us. Now, even though she is not really on kevin's side nor mine and she has taken neutral ground and doesnt discuss the break up with me for fear of getting to involved, every time i hear from her, kevin comes into mind. We had a short email exchange and it was a normal friendly one, but like i said there is always a reminder of kevin. The other email today i received from kevin's gay friend who just wanted to "check up on me". Once again this guy always has ulterior motives, so i never know what to expect from him. I replied with a casual one liner as if to just give a reply. I do not want to give him too many details as my previous encounter with him a few weeks ago involved him slandering my name on facebook.
Anyway, these 2 emails totally threw me off as I was definitely having a bad week to begin with, and now, well this. It is truly not the content of these emails that threw me off, but more of the reminder of the life i lost and wish i still had. These things can really be like a blow to the stomach because they sort of suck you back to a moment when you were wounded and suffering. I do not feel as though I have healed those wounds as yet and a blow to the stomach just rips the stitches wide open again.
I am hoping that this round, it is a little easier to cope with the pain and sort of move forward than before. I realize that I will always love kevin, but he will never love me. It is best for me to move on. So i just force myself to smile, to say im fine, to wake up and go do something productive everyday until one day it is no longer forcing. Until i can just do it without having to mentally will myself to do it. Until it is habit. Can I "habit" myself into forgetting somebody? Is that even possible?
Maybe life is a series of habits, like coping with your problems until the coping is just habitual. I don't even know what to think of that. However, it is sad to think that I am just forcing myself to be 'fine' with something that i am not 'fine' with truly in my heart. I feel it is a disservice to my natural self. As though I am betraying the hopeless romantic part of me. But, life is not always rainbows, sunshine and happy endings, life is always uncertain and full of ups and downs. I guess betraying one part of me is somewhat accepting another part of me. It is as if I'm finding survival in leaning on the part of me that is set in hard facts and reality, and letting go of the whimsical, faith part of me for the moment. It seems as though I am giving up piece of myself for the time being. I don't really feel like if i am whole without my whimsical side. But for now the only side that allows me to heal is using the hard facts reality side.
I hope that doing this doesn't lead me astray and too far away from my whimsical side, but rather will bring me back to it in time, and I can be whole again.
Maybe life is a series of habits, like coping with your problems until the coping is just habitual. I don't even know what to think of that. However, it is sad to think that I am just forcing myself to be 'fine' with something that i am not 'fine' with truly in my heart. I feel it is a disservice to my natural self. As though I am betraying the hopeless romantic part of me. But, life is not always rainbows, sunshine and happy endings, life is always uncertain and full of ups and downs. I guess betraying one part of me is somewhat accepting another part of me. It is as if I'm finding survival in leaning on the part of me that is set in hard facts and reality, and letting go of the whimsical, faith part of me for the moment. It seems as though I am giving up piece of myself for the time being. I don't really feel like if i am whole without my whimsical side. But for now the only side that allows me to heal is using the hard facts reality side.
I hope that doing this doesn't lead me astray and too far away from my whimsical side, but rather will bring me back to it in time, and I can be whole again.
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