Silent Vengeance Deflated

A few things have happened since i last wrote on this blog. Sometimes i feel as though i have a sixth sense and other times i think maybe it was just a coincidence. I guess i will explain. After my last post I felt really sad about kevin and i missed him dearly. I would not go through the whole ins and outs of what i felt,  because it is the same repeat story over and over about how much i love him. Anyway, why i say that sometimes i think i have a sixth sense, is because whenever i feel this way, there is always something that pops up relating to kevin. Anyway, low and behold after a couple days, I get an email from Mark (his best friend). So i  get this email from Mark just checking up on me. I reply to Mark and give him some brief details on how i was doing and where i was. I never want to go to deep in writing to mark because we all know about the track record we have had in the past. But anyway, i still responded out of good nature. In my email i also mentioned that I know that kevin is all over this breakup but i am still having trouble with it. I did not expect to get any kind of sympathy from Mark, but at the very least, sometimes i feel as though i just need to say my piece.
I didn't get a reply from him for a few days, and i sort of wasn't expecting one, but a reply came. In his reply, mark goes through the pleasantries and talks about how in time we both will heal our wounds and he also says that he wants to mention that kevin is not over this break up and also was having lots of  trouble with it.
I have to admit this sort of changed my feelings quite a bit. I felt 2 things. Firstly i felt, what the hell?? why did he dump me if this is so much of a struggle for him and me? It makes no logical sense! ... and Secondly, i felt "I'm glad you are suffering kevin, because i have been irreparably broken". In fact, hearing of his pain gave me somewhat of a feeling of power. Sort of like, i am happy that you are suffering because you made the wrong decision!!
It was a feeling of vengeance sort of where i was feeling vindicated somewhat and wanted to relish in the thought of his torture. That same night i went out on a date specifically so i can fuel my egotistical feelings of silent revenge. It was silly, because halfway through the date i missed kevin once more and wished that the man who was with me was kevin.
Since this period, i have not gotten a grips on my feelings. I do not know if this information has helped me move on or is making me want to be back with him even more. My feelings are conflicted. I love kevin very much and a part of me wants to desperately write him an email and confess all my love to him and try to work things out with him. But then another part of me says that i need to just move on and forget it and keep my integrity in tact, because he doesnt want me. Take a fresh start with somebody new and somewhere new. I walk this thin line where i dont know what i should do at all. I feel as though i cant trust my own feelings and i dont want to trust my rational mind. I feel like i am a fool, but at the same time i dont want to believe i am a fool.
I kind of wish i had a little bit of a sign to help me get some perspective. I dont need a physical sign but more of a clarity of thought. Something that can guide me towards something and anchor me to a choice. I long for something to help me start building once again the blocks of my life.

Hidden heart

I have been avoiding this blog for weeks now, mainly because i have been trying to forget the whole break up. Somehow coming back here reminds me of what happened. However, i have been feeling as though i should write. Im not sure what to write but i have been thinking of this blog lots in the recent days i and think that some therapeutic writing is in order.
I have been studying french classes, and i have also been dating. Online dating that is, because i am not sure how to make friends in this country and it doesnt seem as though there are many guys knocking on my door. So i decided to join pof. I wrote about my last date in my last blog and since then i have been on dates with 8 different guys.... and well out of all of them, i only kind of get along really well with one of them. However, he isnt that good looking and also i dont think that i would ever really want to get too serious with him because he is kind of a buddy sort of guy to me. There is another one who is very goodlooking, however i dont seem to have a connection with him on a deep level. He speaks french and english is not his first language, so communication is a bit tricky at times, but he is very sweet. In some ways i find him to lack ambition and sort of is stuck in the outskirts of life - which is definitely not the type of man i want to end up with. I dont think i will ever be happy with him as he doesnt have the level of maturity that i look for in a man.

Anyway, i have been out on all of these dates and honestly, it has been kind of fun but at the same time it is torture. I find that these encounters remind me of how much i love kevin and how much I miss him.
They make me think that i want to get back with him even more. However, they have also reminded me that some people just dont match up.... and i dont think getting back together with kevin is ever going to be possible. Today has been the first day for me to really believe that i will never get back together with kevin. Before i would say the words but in my heart i always felt that maybe one day we would reconcile. However, today, while i was taking a shower before i came to write this blog, i had this feeling that kevin and I are over for good and there is absolutely no turning back. Im not sure how exactly this dawned on me, but it did. I feel sad about this, because I am a hopeless romantic and i feel as though there is something missing from my life. I feel as though there is a piece of me that was lost to somebody who doesnt appreciate it and never will understand the depths of what i would have done for him. It is a pity that i was in this position, as i feel it was all a waste. I still feel lost in my own life now because of this experience, and now, knowing that there is no turning back, i feel even more lost.

I know people say to learn from relationships and dont regret, but i regret this one. I really do, and i dont hate kevin or wish him anything negative. It is the opposite, i love him so much and i want him to have a good life. I wish that his life was with me, but it will never be. And so because of this, i wish it never happened, so i would not have this scar on my heart, because with this scar my heart doesnt work as good as it did before and i know i wont love like i loved before.

I see these poor guys that i date and i know that they will never be for me, but i date them to just kill some time. To distract myself from my reality and to help myself to keep calm while my heart takes its time to heal. These men dont know the depths of the scars on my heart, and i wont ever tell them anyway. I dont think i would ever give my heart to any man the way i gave it to kevin. For now my heart is hidden, and i do not know how long it will stay in the dark or if i will ever bring it out again. It is a pity, because my heart is the biggest part of me that i can give.

Guilt of moving on

So after having such a horrible time, I managed to recover a bit. Now I can only describe it as "a bit" because all the improvement is that I didn't cry walking home from my classes.
I had lots of things on my mind recently and one of the more concerning things was that I need to start back working again soon because my money is very low and I am currently just mooching off of my sister. This is not a good image for a woman who is 31. It actually is pathetic.
So I said to myself that I need to get a grip.
I was talking to my sister and brother in law a few days ago. The conversation came up with dating and so forth. I just couldn't really bare the thought of being with another man beside Kevin. But the truth is that Kevin doesn't want me, so I need to find somebody who will actually value my worth.
"Do you know what my mother says about getting over somebody?" My brother in law said to me.
"No, what?" I asked
" Well, my 85 year old mother with all of her life's experience says - the best way to get over a man is to get under another."
"Goodness!" I think to myself... and we all have a bit of a laugh thinking about Grandma B talking about getting under a man. Honestly, Grandma B has always been a very hip and happening old lady quite liberal I have to say. But somehow thinking of Grandma B telling me to get under a man was just hilarious to say the least.
Anyway, that evening I was also messaging a friend of mine who lives in Toronto. She is single and is in her 30s as well and she was going out on a date that evening. I felt like everybody around me were throwing hints to me that I need to distract myself with another date at least. So I asked my friend how does she meet men. "POF (plenty of fish online dating) you need to join it" was her response, ... she uses it all the time to find dates. I never thought I would turn to internet dating, but seeing as I am in a new country and I really have no friends or any true way to meet anybody I figured why not. I made up a profile and I put up a relatively decent picture but not over the top. I got many responses in a matter of a day and I was shocked at how many people actually showed interest.
I felt as though, ok well this might be easier than going out to meet guys somewhere. I sent a few replies and had short conversations with a couple men, but most of them died out with lack of interest and I felt grossed out by a whole lot of others. There are some characters that just make you feel horrible. Anyway, after a day or two, I started to feel really down and crap about the whole online thing as though even in a cyber world I was only attracting creepy old guys, and I was about to delete my profile when I started a conversation with one guy.
He seemed like a normal human being and his picture wasn't really that good looking, but he wasn't that bad. He asked me out and I said fine, and so I went out with him today.
When I first met him, I figured he wasn't as good looking as his photos, and he also was the same height as I was and I was wearing flats. This wasn't so great for me actually because I want to wear heels every now and then and its not great when you are taller than the guy. But I don't want to be superficial, so I can overlook this quality. Anyway the date was fine, he was interesting to talk to, we walked about the city and he paid for the lunch we had. Overall it was fine. At the end of the day, he said he would like to meet me again and I said "sure", but deep down inside my gut I knew I didn't really want to take this further. It wasn't because he was short, or because he wasn't interesting enough or because he wasn't as good looking as his picture. None of those things really mattered. It was because I am still in love with Kevin. I came home thinking that the date was a pretty good one, but I felt this sinking feeling in my heart of guilt. Guilt! why guilt? I just couldn't help it, every bone in my body felt anxiety and just overall remorse of the whole date. 
Ugh! why? why is it just not possible for me to have a fulfilling time with somebody who is a good  normal and decent guy?
Sigh... I hate this process... and I want to move on, but I don't want to move on. I just feel like crap. Crap! I tell you, Crap!
I just want my love back. Nothing seems to compare to my lost love.
I want to cry
God! so pathetic....

How to stop myself

Today was just one of those days that was just total shit. Class was lame, the day was cold, i felt overall crappy, i got my period and just everything just seemed like rubbish all day. I couldnt help but feel once again the whole depression and i know it was because i got that email from Mark (kevin's best friend). I just was slingshot back into the past and i remembered and relived all the mistakes and regrets and shoulda, coulda, woulda 's..... Sigh!

I tried to soothe myself by walking around the city doing some window shopping and so forth,  but that just made me feel bad about myself. I saw a reflection of myself in the glass of the shops and i thought to myself. "You look like such a loser". Looking around this city, there are tonnes of young healthy trendy individuals with cool, chic fall looks. The women all dressed in their cute fashion forward fall outfits and their nicely tailored jackets and cool boots. The men all have a European flare to their looks all put together and walk around debonair and smooth. But there I was, in my unflattering washed out jeans, with my misfitting jacket, my old sneakers, disheveled hair and looking unhealthily thin as a rail. I looked so 'non' put together, so 'non' fashionable and so 'non' valuable. I felt my esteem plummet through the floor to an all time low and i just came home. I felt terrible about about everything in my life and then I felt like a pathetic spoilt whiney bitch.

I know my situation is not the worst and I also know that I have so many things that I can be very grateful for and take advantage of. However, I just feel as though I need a kick in the ass to get my act together. I know I feel like shit always. It seems to be a permanent feeling these past few months, and on a regular day I can somewhat force myself to "seem normal". But today, it was not happening. I cried on my walk home from the bus. I dont even know why I was crying, it was just so dumb, but i couldn't help it. I couldn't help but feel as though I was just so low, and i needed some help. Something, to get me, at the very least, feeling ok about myself and not feel like a complete loser. Something needs to be done, and i know the only person who can do something about me is me. Where to start? I don't even know. For some reason i cant even muster up the motivation to shave my legs or tweeze my eyebrows. It all seems like such a feat. I look like a female Sasquatch and i dont even care. But i do care, because i looked at myself in that shop window pain today and i felt ashamed and low. So obviously it bothers me and i should do something about it.

I just need to pull it together. "Pull it together!" i shout to myself...and I mentally tell myself that when i get home i will start the process of looking after myself.
Yet, I got home and didnt do shit. I just slept. I am wasting my life, but I dont know how to stop myself.

Parts

Today i got 2 emails from people connected to kevin. The first email was an email from the friend of mine who actually introduced us. Now, even though she is not really on kevin's side nor mine and she has taken neutral ground and doesnt discuss the break up with me for fear of getting to involved, every time i hear from her, kevin comes into mind. We had a short email exchange and it was a normal friendly one, but like i said there is always a reminder of kevin. The other email today i received from kevin's gay friend who just wanted to "check up on me". Once again this guy always has ulterior motives, so i never know what to expect from him. I replied with a casual one liner as if to just give a reply. I do not want to give him too many details as my previous encounter with him a few weeks ago involved him slandering my name on  facebook.

Anyway, these 2 emails totally threw me off as I was definitely having a bad week to begin with, and now, well this. It is truly not the content of these emails that threw me off, but more of the reminder of the life i lost and wish i still had. These things can really be like a blow to the stomach because they sort of suck you back to a moment when you were wounded and suffering. I do not feel as though I have healed those wounds as yet and a blow to the stomach just rips the stitches wide open again. 

I am hoping that this round, it is a little easier to cope with the pain and sort of move forward than before. I realize that I will always love kevin, but he will never love me. It is best for me to move on. So i just force myself to smile, to say im fine, to wake up and go do something productive everyday until one day it is no longer forcing. Until i can just do it without having to mentally will myself to do it. Until it is habit. Can I "habit" myself into forgetting somebody? Is that even possible?

Maybe life is a series of habits, like coping with your problems until the coping is just habitual. I don't even know what to think of that. However, it is sad to think that I am just forcing myself to be 'fine' with something that i am not 'fine' with truly in my heart. I feel it is a disservice to my natural self. As though I am betraying the hopeless romantic part of me. But, life is not always rainbows, sunshine and happy endings, life is always uncertain and full of ups and downs. I guess betraying one part of me is somewhat accepting another part of me. It is as if I'm finding survival in leaning on the part of me that is set in hard facts and reality, and letting go of the whimsical, faith part of me for the moment. It seems as though I am giving up piece of myself for the time being. I don't really feel like if i am whole without my whimsical side. But for now the only side that allows me to heal is using the hard facts reality side.
I hope that doing this doesn't lead me astray and too far away from my whimsical side, but rather will bring me back to it in time, and I can be whole again.

This cant be all!

Somehow I always tend to write a blog on the days that I feel crappy. I don't seem to write anything on days that seem to have gone by when I am ok. Maybe this is normal, or maybe it is a good sign that I do have some better days. I don't really know. Anyway, as you can tell from this blog beginning, today wasn't such a hot day. In fact it was a down right shitty day. It started out ok, with the exception of somehow waking up to the thoughts and hopes that I wanted to get back together with Kevin. Once again, I am in the throws of delusional thinking where my thoughts convince me that "if only he would take me back, things would be different and better".
Wong! Fucking Wrong!
The truth is that it would be a complete mess, and who wants to go back into something that would be ruined when there are options of starting afresh? Nobody with an ounce of sense wants that - but today I was the idiot with no sense who wanted it. Sigh!

There is always something to learn from relationships and the experiences that you have in life.... and the truth is that I cannot figure out for the life of me what I am learning from this. Aside from the fact that I am learning lots and lots of small things... example things from the country, from being with my sister and being around her family and being around her husband and being away from NZ and being on my own and being in new classes (I signed up for a couple classes for a month) and etc. However, I am still trying to figure out what I actually learnt from kevin dumping me. Yes, I know that the surface lessons are there, example I should have been more honest with him from the get go. But the truth is, I was always planning to hand over everything and bare it all to him, but he just dumped me before I could. I just cant help but feel as though that the pain I experienced through this ordeal should be matched by an equally riveting and enlightening lesson as the return. But yet, so far, my lessons are not "ground breaking" or "life changing" or "spiritually enlightening". So far the lessons have been good and offered me self discovery, but I don't think that they are worth the trauma and pain that I am going through to get to here. All of this just keeps sending me back to the thought that it was all just a waste of time. Even though people say these things are never a waste. I honestly feel that it was a big waste for me. I feel as though I gave up everything for this man, and only to be shut down and left for nothing, left for dead. And on top of that I never even got a proper chance to sort things out, to clean up the mess I made or even make things right. I just feel over all robbed. Robbed of the life I had built previously to meeting kevin, and robbed of the life I had while I was with kevin. I feel like I am just back to square one and being a poor student having to start life from scratch again. When I am totally no longer a student nor do I want to even be categorized at that level anymore. I am fucking 31 yrs old, and I need to get my life under control for fuck's sake.

Where is the lesson in this whole thing? I mean I could have learnt so many of the things I am learning now in a different way. Why did I have to learn all these things after having gone through such a horrific trauma? I feel like this whole ordeal could have been evaded if I never moved to NZ to be with kevin to begin with. If I had never even set foot in NZ... and if I had just not met him and lived my life as it was before I met him. I cant help but feel as though I could have easily learned all these lessons somehow and sometime, without the traumatic pain that I am in now.
Today I feel like total shit, like why am I even in this mess? seriously, this cannot be all that I am learning from this whole thing? It cannot jus be all these small lessons that I could have learnt via alternative means. There must be a bigger lesson amidst it all.

Something has to be worth all the pain and agony and heartache, it cant all be a waste. Can it?

Past, Future...... Present

After being around a bit, I am now back in Montreal and have enrolled in some French classes. I am taking the opportunity now to do something new, focused and different. I was hoping that this will help me get passed my desire to still be with kevin and also use this time when I am not working to grow in a way that I would not normally be able to while being stuck in the 8 to 5 working grind. The french classes are great, except most of the people I have met in these classes are all 18, 19 and 20 years old. It is difficult to have interesting conversations with these people beyond the surface stuff of movies and music. I remember being just like them while i was at University, but i know now that I am sort of beyond those years by about a decade. So admittedly, i still feel very lonely.
However, the classes have given me a chance to find a distraction in my life and also sort of experience some of the country at a different level. I have not truly done much while i have been here aside from the usual touristy sort of things, and I could be making better use of my time. However, somehow i just am not the hugely adventurous type and I do not often find the courage to venture out on my own.

The funny thing about my classes and everything is that I did this to help distract myself from my lost relationship and create new memories with fun times. However, for some reason, I have been missing kevin even more than usual. I try to convince myself that this is best to move on and forget. However, I find this very painful. I seem to not want to leg go of it all. I dont want to let go of kevin or the idea of my New Zealand life, or the relationship I had or the past life I was in. I feel as though it somehow makes me who I am and if I were to let go of it then I will no longer be somebody I want to be.
It is a complicated mind trick that I play on myself - Everyday I tell myself it is better to find a new life than go back to the past one. However, I still have this niggling feeling inside that tells me "Dont let go because it is who you are, you can go back to it".

I find it extremely uncomfortable that i cannot just move past this. Only because I imagine that it is so easy for kevin to just move on. He is probably enjoying a new girlfriend by now and planning a wedding and kids with somebody who is not me. I feel like an idiot most days telling myself one thing and believing something else. I feel like somewhat of a 'poser' in my own life. Pretending to be experiencing life and learning a new language and travelling around the country. When in reality I havent really done anything at all and all that goes on in my mind is "I feel so lost".

My sister told me today that she feels as though she wishes she had somebody to tell her what to do with her life. She said sometimes she feels lost. This actually shocked me out of my skin - Only because I have been so envious of her life these past few weeks and seeing her is what I want for me. I guess everybody feels kind of lost in their lives from time to time. Why do we always feel lost? Does anybody ever not feel this way?
It is difficult to figure out what life really means to us and what do we want from it. I think also it means so many different things to each person and it also changes from time to time. For me, today, all i want is my life back with kevin. I want to get married and have a family of my own. For my sister, today, she already has what I want, so her desires are different now. I guess this is all part of human nature, and we will always want more than what we have. Perhaps this is what makes us a progressive species - never being satisfied with what we have at the present moment is maybe what makes the modern humans so advanced in so many ways. But yet, with all these advancements, we still feel lost and dissatisfied with what we have.

I have read a couple self help books and most of them say to "appreciate the present moments" for it is what will truly satisfy you. "Let go of the past",  "stop worrying about the future",  "just live right now" are some of the most frequent cliched advice summaries about how to find happiness.

However, the questions I keep asking myself these days about myself are difficult for me to answer - How do I feel happy in the now? How do I forget about the past and future, and only focus on what is present. Maybe if I did that I would feel happier with myself and life. Maybe I will feel less lost. I dont know how to begin to do this, because for me, it is clear with my recent 'poser' behavior  - No matter how much I try to live in the present.... my past still haunts me.... and my future still scares me.

Perception on a train

I have not written in a while because I have not had consistent internet access these past few days. I have moved around a bit. I was in Montreal with my sister and now I have taken the train to Toronto to visit my brother. I will only stay with my brother for a few days, but it is good to get around a bit. This time of staying with different members of my family has given me great perspective on what i can learn from them and how they have changed over the years.
My journey to Toronto was simple, I took a train from the train station at Montreal, it was a 6 hour journey then arrived in the city. I then had to take a smaller go train to the suburbs of where my brother lives.

It was strange taking this journey. The train ride was pretty simple, i sat near the huge window and i watched all the trees go by. It is now turning into fall, so the fields are dotted with the first sign of turning red leaves. It was interesting to watch the landscape of this country, I heard somebody in the cabin say "It's beautiful" and I thought to myself. This was nothing like what I had grown accustomed to seeing in New Zealand. New Zealand landscape is spectacular to say the least. It made me miss the country that i had run from, and i felt pangs of guilt to have left it so abruptly without saying my proper goodbyes. In the carriage about 6 seats ahead were 2 sets of older couples. Americans! They talked the entire 6 hours so loudly that even i knew the details of their journey.  They boasted about how they "traveled the world" and that they have been "everywhere", but when you listened closely to their story, they never even left the North American continent and set foot on an airplane. Listening to these old people talk, I wondered about myself and felt a slight bit of irritation for their lack of insight into other countries in the real world. After the first hour, their voices began to get highly annoying rather than interesting and I blocked them out with my music.

Once I arrived in Toronto, I further took a small transit train to the suburbs where my brother lives. This go train was packed with people commuting to and from the city center. It was close to rush hour so there were many different working class people. This time the people I was surrounded by were men in suits, and women in heels. There were iphones, blackberrys and samsungs everywhere. There were scores of men with earpieces in their ears discussing some "very important work stuff". There were endless texting and time killing games on different smartphones. There were newspapers and kindles for those who preferred to read and the corridor of the train was littered with briefcases of all sizes. I observed the people around me. I could remember a time in my life when I would look at these pretty women in heels with their office jobs and power suits and think "i would like to be like that". However, that is in the distant past and this is not what i want for myself now.
There was a moment on that train where i looked around and I unintentionally said out loud "I just don't belong here". A guy heard me and looked across briefly and the returned to his messaging on his phone.
All i could really think of was that i don't belong in a country like this. I just don't. I am not those women in heels with power jobs and I don't want to be either. I want more from life than just commuting back and forth to work on a train with my smartphone as my company. I want something simpler and more meaningful. Yes i do want to still be up to date and own a smart phone and I do want to know about the latest gadgets and how to use them. But I don't want it the way these people have it.
This was when i genuinely missed New Zealand, i missed the kids and the farms and the open paddocks and sheep. I remember when i was with kevin thinking New Zealand was too much of a "farm country" for me and I wanted something more "city", but in this moment I realized that in my heart I really dont want the city. I miss the simple lifestyle of genuine outdoors appeal. I miss the ruggedness of the kiwi culture and the beauty of their country. I miss not only the farmlands but the honesty of the lifestyle.
It was the first time I thought to myself that I would like to return to New Zealand, but this time - not for kevin, but for me.

2 months exactly

Today marks 2 months exactly since kevin dumped me. I have been feeling rather crappy the last few days and i know it is because i still have not accepted the fact that my relationship is completely over. I still have trouble facing the reality that kevin is not like me, and that he doesn't view situations like me and as much as i want him, he just doesn't want me. This is such a hard pill to swallow, and there are times when i can feel it might be going down and others where i can feel it lodged in my throat just stuck for good.

Anyway, all of these emotions coupled with the deteriorating weather have made me feel somewhat moody towards the negative. I haven't really done much with my life these past few days and have been searching for something to truly connect with. All my activities and my conversations have become excruciatingly mundane and lacking interest. I listen to my sister talk about the house and how she needs to change this and that, I call my other sister and she talks about how busy she is with her kids' school, I call my brother and he talks about how his job is depressing, I call my best friend and he talks about how he is tired of the rat race. Overall i cannot find anybody right now who will have meaningful conversation with me beyond the 'what is' in their world. It all seems so inconsequential at this point to me....so dull and so meaningless.... and i somewhat feel a little disheartened that i cannot connect with anybody that I truly hold dear to me within my personal circle of support.

I know it is all as a result of how i view myself at present and how i view the world right now through the eyes of shattered emotions seeking some value to it all. I don't blame my family or friends for their present preoccupations in life, and i also shouldn't rely on anybody but myself to sustain my interests. However, it does make me feel lonely within the world. I find myself retreating back into my own mind and not choosing to let anybody in or seek anybody out.

How i feel now, reminds me of how i felt when my father died years ago. I went through a tough time after his death, thinking "why is everybody so superficial?". I went through a period where i would have violent fantasies and dreams - fantasies of crashing my car into walls just to see how it felt, or hitting someone across the head with a bat to crush a mans skull just to see how it felt, or getting so high on drugs that i would overdose just to see how it felt. It was almost as if the regular life was not enough to quench my desire to feel something. It was like I was so numb that I needed an extreme to truly experience a sensation.

I never fulfilled any of my violent fantasies though, mostly because my rational mind has a strong presence of logic that keeps me safe and sane. However, that time changed me in my life, and temporarily no matter where i looked, i could find nobody to relate to aside from my siblings who felt the same about their peers. Eventually over time, those fantasies faded and i began to find more things in common with my friends, and i reverted somewhat back to 'myself', or should i say a slightly different version of myself.

The truth is, presently i feel similar. I dont have such violent a fantasies as I did then, but i feel almost as though I need to take situations to an extreme in order to feel anything significant. Once again I also feel like i cannot find anybody to relate to and this time not even my siblings. I cannot find the connection with anybody who really can satisfy my desire of stimulating exchange. I am constantly online or reading books for something that will mean something to me.

I feel like doing drastic things that are somewhat harmful to myself - not like killing myself - but something that will give me an extreme experience, because I believe the extreme experience is the only type of sensation that I can actually feel. Everything else seems very dull and numb. I feel like taking dangerous risks, but I know I wont actually do anything dangerous because it is not really my personality and once again my rational mind plays the logic on my shoulder. I also know this is a phase that will pass and in time i will once again be just like everybody else wound up in the 'what is' of my world.

The funny thing is, I have gone through this feeling in the past with the death of my father, and I did learn so much about myself then, but i also was not aware of what was happening to me. This time, i guess because i am older, with all my feelings, i can recognize and identify the stages. Maybe this puts me at an advantage somewhat, because now I am equipped with the tools of experience.
I know that the process i am going through presently will inevitably bring to me some growth in self and will take me to another level of understanding myself without much effort. It is just the nature of the process.
However, is it possible to take advantage of this time and force myself to grow more than i normally would?

Perhaps in this case, having gone through it before, I can abuse this as a opportunity to learn something more and more and more, rather than just allowing it to pass as a phase and take what I get.
I want to be better than I was but not just on a minuscule level, but more on a macro level. I dont just want to grow a little.... i want to grow a lot!
I want to be a better person. However, when I say better, I dont just mean better on the level of the 'what is'-ness of the world, but better on a deeper level. A deep level that hinges on quality of experience and quality of meaning.
Can I really force or teach myself to grow more in this stage and become better? if so, how?

Who knows if I will ever reach this stage of where I want to be. I have no idea where this all leads or if I will ever achieve my desires, but I guess, I can only hope for improvement on some level. With this hope, it is the only way I can believe my present state of disconnection will be be the birth of something new....

An Atrophy of Being

I have been avoiding posting a blog because i wanted to have something substantial to write. However, my delay in writing brought no revelation or any story that i could tell. In fact, the past few days have been horrible, almost as if the breakup were yesterday. The insomnia, the dreams, the anxiety - all were back again in my mind. I felt almost like i made no progress at all. Being here in Canada is hard for me, I am extremely grateful to have my family close by, but at the same time i have no friends and true alliances that would take me out to drink and distract myself with some good old crazy fun. Most of my time is spent in isolation, reading, writing and just over all searching for answers to life's mysteries.

These past 3 weeks, i have been getting advice on the numerous trials and tribulations of marriage and kids. Both my sister and her husband have discussed with me the lows and highs of marriage. They have been married for over 10 years now and been together several years before that, so they do have some mileage and experience under their belts. I have to admit though, none of their talks have made me feel any better about losing kevin. They both have told me that marriage is difficult, and with the wrong person it could be detrimental. This is usually followed up by the assumption that perhaps kevin was the wrong person for me. However, i just dont believe that. Maybe i should change my beliefs and change my mindset to "kevin is wrong for me" rather than the opposite. It all is just so difficult to work through in my mind when my heart truly doesn't believe what my mind says.

I had a discussion with my sister today about marriage and kids. I said naively "If I'm not to be with kevin, maybe i should just forget about the man altogether and go to the sperm bank to have my kids". I later on then told my brother in law my desire for cutting out the man completely from my life. I think this must have jarred him a bit because he later came to me with his thoughts on the subject.

Now Roger (my brother in law) is a very worldly man, and he waited until very late to get married to my sister. He is now in his mid 50s and is more than 12 years older than my sister, they have two young kids 9 and 6 years old. So Roger has been around the block more than a few times, and experienced full the joys of bachelorhood. He came to me in his very open minded sort of gentle approach and he spoke about the ups and downs of marriage and kids. He understood the joys of being a one man show, and he understood the joys of being a family man. In summary he said, the trouble of marriage and kids is worth the joys it brings and he would never go back to being solo. He must have been really worried that I would completely never seek out man to get married because of my expression of hopelessness at present, so he may have felt he needed to offer some advice on the matter.

The truth is, as much as I have these feelings of hopelessness, i truly do want to get married and have children with a man I love genuinely. I do want the whole marriage and kids and stress and shit that goes along with it. I do want it, I want all of it. So i didnt need much convincing. I had these hopes to be with kevin, but i have to change my mindset a little now as much as it pains me to do so.

There was one thing that Roger mentioned that did resonate with me. He mentioned that these pains, and hurts, and stresses, and despairs, and traumas that we encounter along the way is what allows us to truly grow in our being. He said we need the pains that we face through the relationships that we build and the relationships that we lose in life because it is what makes us grow. Without them there will be an "atrophy of being".

An atrophy of being is a great way to describe it. I don't think i can put it any more eloquently myself. As the days go by, and my pain gets less and more at the same time. As my emotions go up and down at the same time. As my heart breaks and beats at the same time -  I can only hope that this is a way to exercise my being, to keep it from failing and completely stagnating into atrophy.

Missing

The photoshoot managed to go off very well. I got through the day without crying and I also managed to smile a few times. However, every minute of the day the knife in my heart was twisted with every interaction I had with Roger. By the end of the day I was exhausted, not from the work of the day, but from the emotional turmoil. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed as I went to sleep. How did I get myself into this mess?

I had dreams of Kevin all night and I woke up feeling once again like the breakup was fresh in my mind. One step forward five steps back I think to myself. Will this ever end?

I managed to get through most of today without crying, but every minute was a challenge. I went to a street fair and drum festival for a while because it was a beautiful sunny day. Whereas normally I would have enjoyed all of that, my mood was not one of open acceptance, and everything I saw, I couldnt let it in, I wanted to share it with kevin. I had moments where i fell asleep today, and not even these were relaxing, but more torturous than anything really.

In the dreams i have of him now, i go visit him and we are broken up, but in the dreams i manage to kiss him and ask him if we could get another chance. In the dreams he says no, but we still kiss and i usually wake up around that time.

It is clear that I am lonely, that i crave the attention of a man. I wonder if finding a new man will help me. Probably not, a new man will only create more problems for me because I am emotionally wounded. To be honest, the thought of a new man makes me want to vomit. But I am so lonely that I just want the attention and affection of a man in my life. I miss the kissing, the touching, the closeness and making love with kevin. I just miss it like there is a void in my heart and in my life. The truth is, how i look now, no man will even look at me, far less be attracted to me. I look pathetic, weak, anorexic, unhealthy and desperate. So there is no chance of finding a man even on a temporary basis to numb the pain even if i was willing to take that route.
I am sure it is the opposite for kevin. That he has found countless women to fill his time and stroke his cock. That is how easy it is for men.

I lie in bed right now, feeling like i dont know what comes next. Feeling rather hopeless and doomed. Feeling like I will never get past this stage of my life. Feeling like i will always be less than what I was.
Not only do I miss him, but I miss my life, I miss myself and I miss it all.

Stay far far far away

Tomorrow I go with my brother in law to help him on a photo shoot. He is a pretty experienced photographer and is very good at his job. I am not interested in photography in any form nor is it my field of study. My field of work is childhood education and i am pretty good with kids, but i know little of art and photography. Anyway, my sister asked me if i would like to be Roger's assistant and honestly, i couldn't really think of why i would, but i agreed to help him out. I figured I might as well do something with my time and i would get an opportunity to get to know my Brother in Law on a deeper level. I have never really gotten to know Roger very well as they have always lived in a different country to me and only spent few vacations together with very limited interaction. Roger is in his mid 50's and he is very much into the arts and music and design that is not really part of my field. Not only was there always a more than 20 year generation gap, but there was also a gap in interests as well.
However, I spoke to my sister and I can see them both reaching out to offer opportunities for me to improve (in my demeanor as well as knowledge). So I agreed to go on this trip and be his go-for.

Tonight I spent time helping him sort his equipment. I really wasn't any help at all because i know nothing of cameras and lighting and I truly was like a clueless puppy. Somehow i feel i might end up being more of a burden than a help.... but i guess it is always worth a try.
The strange thing about helping out roger tonight was that i felt an uncompromising sinking in my heart. I was on the verge of tears talking to him and helping him and i was trying my best to hold it together.

Why? why was I in such sadness?
It was because Roger reminded me so much of Kevin. I knew my sister and I had similarities, but the similarities of Roger to Kevin was just uncanny. Roger is just an older version of Kevin. I almost could not bare to be around him.... and i had to run off to hide a little bit in between.. i dont think he realized i was crying.. thank god!
How could the men that we chose to be with be so similar to each other. At this point i genuinely wished Kevin had met Roger. I think they would have been really good friends... and i think Roger would have given Kevin some great insight into the dynamics of my family.. -  and once again the knife is twisted in my chest with the knowledge that this isn't going to happen.

Anyway, i will have to see how things go with the photo-shoot tomorrow. I hope that there wont be any hiccups or there wont be any crying or meltdowns... Somehow with this new knowledge of Roger, i cant help but feel like i want to stay away from him. Stay far far far away because he is such a reminder of Kevin. They never even met, and they are just like each other.

I cant turn back now, I have to go along, I just hope i survive the day.

Metanoia

My blog posts have been getting less as the time goes by, possibly because I may be making steps forward but also because i dont want to keep repeating the same things over and over in every post.

These past couple days, I have been talking to different people, both in person as well as online.. some are friends, family and others are new encounters ... The most interesting person i have encountered recently is this guy called Bob. 

Bob is a 58 year old man who had some great insights to share with me about his life. He is married and been through several different trials in his life and manages to be able to give advice in a format that is somewhat easy to receive... I guess somehow at this stage of my breakup or in my life as well, i find it very helpful to listen to what people of the older generation have to offer in terms of advice and guidance.

Bob had different things to talk about, but as i unfolded my story to him after a bit of conversation he had something to tell me that somewhat resonated within me. "It is a Metanoia" he said.

I had never encountered this term before nor ever heard of it, so i quickly googled it and what i found was very fascinating as well as a suitable description of what I am going through. 

"Metanoia indicates a spontaneous attempt of the psyche to heal itself of unbearable conflict by melting down and then being reborn in a more adaptive form".

I cant help but think that what i am going through now is a form of Metanoia. It is a process of me completely breaking down and then rebuilding myself into something better. There is long research and explanation of the term Metanoia, but I can only describe it as a phoenix burning down and then rising from the ashes.

The process that i have gone through this far has been painful beyond explanation, and i also feel as though it has been enlightening beyond words as well.

I dont think that there is any other way i could learn lessons that i am faced with right now in such a short timeframe. This learning process is harsh and hard and rough.... But it is also fast and deep. The past 6  weeks have been one of the longest 6 weeks of my life, but it has also been packed with the deepest emotions and has imprinted on my memory with permanence. 

I still feel i have lots of emotional hurdles ahead of me, as i know i have not completely moved on yet. In fact i am still at the tiny beginning stages right now. I still dream of kevin and want to marry him. There is a long journey ahead. But if this is a Metanoia, there is a rebirth, a reparation and a restoration that still lies ahead.

Root of Resistance

Today was the first day back at school after summer holidays. My niece asked if i could come along with them to walk to school. So this morning i walked and chatted with Klo on the way to school. It was cute to see her so excited for school. It was nice.... and the streets were flooded with so many parents and kids dropping off their others.

I felt so sad. Only because it reminded me of how many times i had dreamt of having a family with kevin and i dreamt of dropping off kids of our own at school. As i looked around seeing all these other kids and their parents, i saw different things. Some parents seemed excited for their children, some seemed worried and others seemed to be just fed up and bored. I wonder if what they felt would change if they knew how desperately i wanted what they had right now?

People always suffer from the "grass is always greener" syndrome.... and i have to admit i am suffering from that as i write this. But not necessarily wanting what these other mums and dads have but rather wanting what i had. The hardest thing for me to accept really is not just losing kevin, but losing all the dreams and plans and aspirations that i had along with him. In my mind i didnt "wonder" if i would marry him and if we would have kids, i actually "believed" it. Letting go of that idea and fantasy is what is the most difficult for me.

Going through this breakup, i have talked to different people, read different articles, watched different clips and videos, read different  books... and all of them have said the same thing. People break up all the time and whereas you always feel like its the end of the world, what comes after the breakup is better than what you had before.

Sigh!

For some reason, i just dont want to reach there yet. I dont really want to let go of kevin and everything. I think secretly if i let go then i will have nothing else.... and that scares me. I think secretly that if i let go then I was truly a failure at this relationship and that to me is one of the worst things i can be.... I think secretly that if i let go then kevin will only be a distant memory and what we shared would be inconsequential... and i just cant bare to think that because of how much of myself i devoted to him.

I want to be the strong person who learns from this and as time goes by i try to find the lessons within. However, sometimes i dont feel ready to learn anything yet. I feel that no lesson is worth what i lost.
I wish i could stop over analyzing things in my mind - This is the root of my resistance.

Easy way or Hard way?

Well these past couple days have been rough. However, not rough in the sense that I have been missing kevin, but rough in that I am trying to really move on. I struggle with this and i find myself feeling rather agonized by this. It is very hard to explain. After the whole fiasco of kevin's friends bashing me online, i took a long hard look at the situation with somewhat of an outside perspective. There is no way i can go back to that relationship without having to face all of his friends thinking the worst of me. If I ever went back I would have to deal with being the tainted version of what they all thought of me before. I dont think kevin would even want to take me back because of what his friends would think of him anyway. How could i ever have normal healthy friendships with them again? Is that possible?

Anyway, this sort of hard thinking of the situation left me feeling with such a sense of hopelessness that it almost pushed me towards really moving on. I was struck by some sort of slap of sanity. It still isn't quite a full dose of reality yet, and i still feel myself occasionally slipping back into what i will term as "delusional wishful thinking" (that kevin is the only one for me), but there is some part of me now that is willing to move on from this.

I can only think that the difficulties I would face going back to kevin will pose so many negative hurdles to overcome that it would just be simpler to just start afresh with somebody new. The truth is that starting afresh with somebody knew is the easiest thing to do truly. Aside from searching around a while to find a suitable match for me and dating a few men here and there, once i find a match, any match, he would be new enough to not have any preconceived judgments tied to me. He would have no reason to mistrust me and he would not have friends who would have had their little session of hawking and spitting on me.

I can start with a new fresh slate and from the beginning where i feel there is nothing to overcome aside from the issues of a new relationship and well, issues of any healthy functioning relationship.

Why should i not want to start afresh? Who wouldn't want the easier option?
I tell myself this today, but sometimes I feel who wants the easy option? What rewards are there in the easy option? the easy option is for the pussies in life who take on no challenges.
Part of me thinks this way as well.

However, when it comes to relationships, what is the best thing? Is it better to work hard, face all the hurdles that come your way and fight to the death and feel then rewards of this? or is it better to give up on working through those hurdles find another easy route. Will the easy route bring more joy and reward?

I wish i knew the answer to this. Ahhhhh! I feel so tired of trying to rationalize these things, I have to shout at the universe.
"Argh!!!   Life! - why do you have to be so complicated? Just give me the answer now!"

Expected Undercurrents

Well... in the previous blog i wrote about Mark's email having the potential for undercurrents of negativity. So said, so done. I responded with a brief message that just explained that i deactivated my account and he replied with "I hope you are well and I always support both you and kevin". However, he has been bashing me on facebook all the while writing me supportive emails. He definitely is a double crosser and back stabber.... but i have known this for some time... so it doesnt come as a shock.
Mark has been posting all sorts of things about how i am a cheater on facebook for all the world to see, however the truth is that I didnt actually cheat.
I mean i have been wrongfully accused of things before, but this one really hurts. I am no longer on facebook, so the slew of information has been sent to me via email and other messaging by other people. It is really hurtful to think that somebody who claims to be your 'friend' is just a two faced dick in reality. However, I cannot say I am not surprised... Mark has thrown me under the bus before...

Anyway, i have chosen to not give any response to any of Mark's bashing and just leave it alone.
The reasons that i have done this is because it is the hardest thing for me to do. I want to just log on to facebook and trash him and say all sorts of things and clear my name... but i know that this will only make situations worse and make me feel as worse than before.  What i have learnt so far is that if i follow my emotion, then this gets me in trouble. I am too confused and irrational right now to trust my emotions. Hence if i do the opposite of what my emotions tell me to do, then usually that is the best choice.
I feel to call kevin and cry and beg him to take me back, but that would be following my emotions. The opposite of what i feel to do is the non contact rule.

The 'non contact rule' is definitely the most effective means of self preservation. It has proven to be my only friend in this and sometimes i feel to break it, because i feel weak. But when this rule is broken (for example when i was contacted by kevin's best friend mark) I felt horrible for 2 days now and i may even feel horrible tomorrow too. I need to trust my only friend the 'no contact rule' and just place my blind faith in it because it is there for only ME and NOBODY ELSE.
Hence i always need to maintain the non contact until i can really find my feet on a stable path that can let me stand up for myself. fighting a battle in a weakened state is just recipe for failure.
Therefore, I think the best thing for me to do is not respond and let them all just have their Rar Rar Session of Bashing Maia and then let it die down. The truth is, my pain will remain after they have finished their gossiping... and eventually the hot topic of Maia being a cheater will be no longer a juicy story to discuss...

Perhaps one day i will get my time to tell my side of the story, but somehow in this case i feel that time will never arrive and i will have to accept that i am wrongfully accused by them all and just put it all behind me and never look back.

I always have dreams that i can return to kevin after some time has passed and ask him if he would be willing to try again. I know this is just maintaining a sick hope, because who wants to go  back to a situation where all his friends think you have cheated and you will forever be labelled a cheater?
Honestly, it just seems like it is a foolish decision to go back to that.... and i would be better off starting a clean slate with somebody else. With a new set of friends and a new set of beginnings.

However, i still hold on to this sick sort of hope. It saddens me that i feel this way... because i am not a foolish woman. I am just a woman who has been misunderstood. Maybe i should just find the place where i am not misunderstood and start again instead of trying to go back to the place where i was misunderstood and try to convince them all to understand?

It just sounds like a terrible idea to hold on to hope like this... I really need to start to get a grip with it all, because i know kevin is moving on with his life and not looking back. I need to do the same.
Maybe one day i will be able to send him an email and tell him that i truly never cheated on him. But then I also hope by that time, I will be over it enough to not care.

Sigh! this seems to be a never ending story.

Considerate or Nosey?

Today was frustrating.
I wont bother to get into why it was frustrating because it is just too long to explain. Anyway aside from the whole frustration bit, I received an email from Kevin's best friend Mark. Mark is a really nice guy i have always got along with him and he has often been a voice of reason. I have appreciation for Mark on one level but i also have a slight caution when it comes to him as well. Mark is gay, and I can sometimes see a sort of woman's vindictiveness come through on occasion. There have been times when i have felt completely thrown under the bus by Mark and there have been other times when he has been an extremely wonderful friend. Anyway, overall I sort of learnt the boundaries of what to expect from him.

Anyway, today I received an email from him. The email was very polite and was saying that he wanted to know how i was because he "heard from kevin" that I might be leaving NZ. (kevin knew i was considering leaving NZ because I told him the last time we spoke when i collected my last bit of stuff, but he didn't know for sure or when or where or how ).

Mark mentions in his email that i didnt reply to his text and i have also defriended him on facebook and so he is assuming that i dont want to be in touch with him anymore. He also mentioned "The whole thing is such an unfortunate incident it's beyond words". He wishes me all the best and says if i ever want to, please drop him a line to let him know how and where i am.

Now over all this email seems very nice and polite. But i cannot help but feel there is an undercurrent of associated drama. I know Mark is a very considerate guy, but I also know he has great potential for the alternative.

The truth is, I didn't defriend him from facebook. I simply deactivated my entire account, so it really isnt directed to specifically him. Also, I didnt reply to his text  because i am no longer in the country so i didnt receive any messages because that number is cut.
I guess the guy has tried multiple efforts of contacting me, and he was successful with only one - Email.

But why is he really contacting me?
Can he help me? - No.
Will he change anything for me? - No.
Is he on my side? - No
Will he make me feel better about the breakup? -No.
Is it possible for me to be friends with him now while he is best friends with kevin? - No
Will replying to his email bring me happiness and joy and satisfaction? - No
Will he even respond to me if i replied? - No
Will he enjoy having additional information about me that kevin doesn't? - Maybe/Maybe Not

I think he just wants to know where I am so he can have a little gossip session with some of the friends over the breakup. They can go on and on about how horrible i was and how i deserve everything i get and it is good for me to fly back to where i came from. They all can have a little Maia bashing session and say poor kevin.

On the other hand, he could really be looking out for me and be concerned.
However, I dont think he really is that concerned. I believe the scenario that played off would be - kevin mentioned to him recently that I may be leaving NZ, and then he would have tried to dig up more information so trolled for me on facebook and texted me and then got no response.

Im not sure if i should respond to the email. Part of me wants to just tell him where I am and tell him all the details of my existence so that kevin will hear about it from somebody else rather than me. The other part of me wants to just say fuck off and not even acknowledge the email. Ignoring might just be better damage control.

Anyway, because I am never a heartless bitch to anybody who i consider/considered friends,  I composed a brief reply which stated that I didn't unfriend him and I no longer have that phone number. I didnt tell him where i was or how i was doing, just listed that I was not ignoring him. Perhaps this is the route i will take. This way he will have no ammunition on my status and whereabouts but he will know that I am not completely ignoring him.. I havent sent it yet, will prob think it over for a few days before i send it.

Overall, I find it highly aggravating to hear from him, because i really dont know if he is being considerate or just plane nosey.

I want to forget kevin and forget his whole crew.

I'm so desperate that it makes even me sick.

I woke up this morning in tears. I thought i was over this stage of sobbing for no reason, but i guess i am not. I sobbed over my breakfast and then tried to pull it together. Why was this morning so hard for me? what triggered it? I do not know at all. I just wasn't in a good space at all.
Luckily i managed to get through the rest of the day without making a big production of my depression. Even though I was feeling like crap I still managed to pull out the minimal pleasantries that were required to get through the day without a pity party.
Tonight I wasn't even going to write an entry to the blog because I truly have nothing to say. I have been swaying back and forth between, sadness and anger this whole day. One minute i hate kevin and the next i love him. I truly hate that everything was left undone, untied, and even though I long for some sort of closure, knowing the nature of kevin, I know I will never get it. I must just soldier on.

Kevin has closed the door on me so tightly that I cant even find the door again. He shut it, locked it, bricked it up and concealed the door. I am permanently on the other side. He cut me off, I have no way of contacting him. I've been deleted, blocked and cut off from all connection to him. This leaves me with such a huge feeling of rejection. This has damaged my self esteem beyond anything I have experienced in my life.

I feel like an idiot, like a chump because I secretly look forward to the nights where I can fantasize about him coming back to me and saying he thought about it and wants another shot at it and at that moment I get to say everything i want to say and then run back to him with open arms. I feel ashamed to even admit this here on this blog because it is such a desperate fantasy to have.

After all that happened, after thinking of all the hurtful things he said to me, after experiencing him throwing me out on the street in a new country, after realizing all his friends abandoned me and left me to the wolves while spitting at me as I bled, after knowing how kevin portrayed me to be something I am not, after all of this - I still would say "of course my love, I want to be with you".
How blinded and feeble is that?
I feel disgusted by my own self. I never thought I would be one of those women who was so desperate for a man. And kevin is not even a super awesome man, but a difficult man to be with.

I work through each day knowing that he is happy in his little world, knowing that he will be on to the next woman (if not already) and all I was was a "crash test dummy girlfriend". I was nothing but a stepping stone to him. It makes me nauseous to even think of it.

I've been trying to read so many self help books and watch so many clips and inspirational sayings. I get momentary relief sometimes, but other times it just makes me want to roll my eyes. All the cliche sayings just come across as bullshit
"if you love something let it go"
"time heals all wounds"
"It wasn't meant to be"

Ugh!... nah!.... I dont want to hear any of it. I want Nothing of that BS!!!.
Right now I can't think of anything worse than all of that talk.

Everybody says to me - In time you will be grateful for what is happening what this will  bring you, you will learn so much about yourself, and improve, and grow and be stronger and expand.

But I say - the broken heart does not want to be grateful for what is happening, the broken heart wants to recover what is lost.

So shut the fuck up!

Vacant

I have survived another day. I'm still alive, not whole, but breathing (barely). I managed to get through some decent meals today and at the very least I can say that this was an accomplishment. I hope that the 8kg that i lost over the period of 6 weeks can be gained back in just a couple but I think it will take longer. I can thank my sister for always having good food in her house not only is the fridge always stacked but it is full of healthy options of fruit, vegetables and healthy snacks. My sister is somewhat of a "food nazi" and she only wants healthy options for her kids. I think in this regard this was a good choice to come here. Food is easy and good. So this makes my life so much simpler. Thank you sis!

On the other hand, I still feel lonely. My niece and nephew are awesome and I love my sister dearly, but I feel so disinterested in the activities that we do. It has nothing to do with the actual activities, but everything to do with me. I spend time playing all sorts of different games with the kids and I feel uninterested, I spend time talking about nonsense with my sister and I feel uninterested, I hang out with my brother in law (who is naturally hilarious) and I am uninterested. I go out for a walk or drive and I feel uninterested. I feel almost like I have no interest in anything at all. I guess this is a symptom of a broken  heart.

Is this what I am now? - An uninterested, passionless shell of a human. I shudder to think of the reality.

I troll the internet trying to find something that will hold my interest, something that will make me smile or laugh or even ponder. But everything feels so meaningless. So shallow, So fake and hollow. I want to have some meaningful conversation, meaningful knowledge, meaningful exchange. I'm tired of surface pleasantries, tired of easy simple conversations. But on the same hand I feel disinterested in hearing what everybody has to say.

I have never been that great at holding conversations with people, but under these conditions I have gone from about a 5 out of 10 to a 0 out of 10. I honestly cannot be fucked to make any effort to humor any casual encounters or even bring myself to contribute anything substantial to more meaningful discussions.

I feel vacant. Like I have no purpose in life, like I have no passion, like I have no aspiration, like I have no interest, like I have nothing there. I'm just a lump of a human body, like a waste of space that should be occupied by somebody else - somebody who does care, somebody who does want, somebody who does action.
I pray deep in my heart that I will once again be somebody who does...

Vindication wanted

Today was a waste day. All I did was sleep and eat and just wasted through the hours until I had to go to bed again and now it is 1 a.m. and i am up and cannot sleep. I feel like i am doing myself an injustice, but i don't know how to summon up the activation energy to do the alternative.

I spoke to a friend of mine today who actually introduced kevin to me. She has been quite helpful in making me feel less bad about the break up and less like it is my fault. She says over and over, "its not you, its him". She says "You deserve better". She says "you will get through this and be stronger". She has all the right words to say and she does comfort me a little.. But she has her life with her owns kids and doesn't have the time to be catering to my needs so it is not often I have her there to drill some sense into my brain.

She has known my struggle and knows my heartache and hell. She has been through something similar before she got married, and I often sob to her saying "How could he be so cold and cut me out like I was a bad tumor and live life so happily now like I meant nothing?". She said to me today that even though kevin seems normal now, like his life is full of his friends and hobbies that he will feel the pain eventually. She said that women process their pain and emotions and face them head on, whereas men tend to hide away and suppress them and this results in men having moments of breaking down later on usually after the woman has completely moved on.

I have to admit I was happy to hear this news. Thinking that eventually kevin will be keeled over in the fetal position holding his head, crying and saying "what did i do?" gave me a sense of joy.
I love that man with everything I have and I find it so hurtful that he can be so cold. I relish in the thought of him being regretful and me finding some vindication in life. However, the truth is that I know if that time was to ever come along, it would not be now when i truly want it, and if ever it did arrive in the future,  I would have moved on and wouldn't even care.

I definitely want to believe my friend, and i want to think that there is some poetic justice to all of this, but other times i just feel as though I know kevin well enough to know he is a heartless machine and he will never face his own emotions. I don't know if I will ever get that vindication I crave. I know Kevin's personality type well enough and he is usually one who sticks to his decision with absolutely no regrets.

Do I really need the vindication? I guess in the long run I don't. However, for the present moments it is thinking about this want for justice that gives me a sense that I am not the problem. That nothing is wrong with me. It makes me hope that kevin is not just a machine and that he is a real human being and that I didnt waste my time loving a man that never loved me back.

Emotions up, Emotions down, Emotions all around

Today I spent with  my sister and the kids. We went to the botanical gardens and the insectarium. It was a good day of seeing and learning new things and the kids were chatting and teaching me about all the plants and insects.
It was a beautiful sunny day and it was a wonderful outing, however I cant say that i enjoyed it at all. My sad heart created a screen that blocked me from truly enjoying, living and appreciating the moment.

It was never supposed to be like this. I was never supposed to be here with my sister and kids alone. I was always supposed to make this trip with Kevin. How did I end up being alone like this? I thought i was over these days. I thought i was over the being single and just roaming around on my own, tagging along with my sisters and brothers and their own families. It is nice to be independent, its nice to be the "young aunt" who gets to do all the fun things on her own.... but i didn't want to be the young solo aunt anymore. I wanted to be Aunt Maia and Uncle Kevin.

Today every thing that I saw, or read, or tried, or lived - I kept thinking of what would Kevin say or do if he was here now? Kevin would like that. Kevin would know about that. Kevin has one of that. I felt obsessed with Kevin (like i normally am) except that this time i don't actually have Kevin as part of my life anymore.
My heart bled silently as i played with the kids on the playground.

I do feel more able to do things now that I am around my family. I have a distraction and company, but my sadness still remains. I still have these niggling feelings that he will always be there for me to go back to, and I wish those feelings were just gone.

My sister says it will take time. I don't know how long, but its been too long for me already. I wish I could fast forward through time and just wake up and it all be gone. I wish I could stop hoping that he will come around and call me to get back together. I wish I could stop being such a pathetic mess of a desperate woman. Ugh!

I have these roller coaster moments everyday - emotions up, emotions down, emotions all around. I hate you, I love you, I want you, I dont need you, Im ok, Im not ok, Why?, Why not?, What did i do?, I didn't do anything!, What's wrong with me?, Nothing is wrong with me!

Its like my mind is a cesspit of irrational thought. A pool of emotion that I find myself drowning in. I cant keep my head up enough to breathe because it is my broken heart that weighs me down.

I tell myself to heal - "Heal heart Heal!" I scream and shout inside my head.

But there is no healing yet.

Ordinary Dreams

Well, I am finally in Canada with my sister and her kids. It has been a very long journey and I am tired on all levels of my being - emotionally, physically, mentally.
I spent most of the day sleeping and then hanging out with the kids. A boy Sach -6yrs and a girl Klo 9 yrs. Its been so nice seeing them after not seeing them in a few years. They have grown beautifully into some creative, independent, wild and free kids. I love that about them, and I should take lessons from them.

I can't say if being here is good or bad as yet, so for now I will say it is a "change". I feel relieved to be with my sister and have at least one decent home cooked meal for the day. Eating is definitely much easier with the kids around and no matter how sad i feel, hearing what they have to say can make me smile. Kids can do that to you because they can evoke so much love inside your heart that u cant deny it.

During the day I had bouts of sadness, mostly because I had always anticipated being here with kevin. kevin never met this sister of mine or her kids and I was always so anxious for kevin and I to travel together to Canada and for him to meet them. I wish he did because he would learn so much more about me if he knew my family better.

I still feel deep wounds from this break up and I am slowly trying to separate my dreams with kevin from my reality. It is difficult for me because I have this feeling like he is still there, like i can skype him or call him... and that in a few weeks i can fly back to NZ be with him and kiss him, cuddle with him and make love to him. But I can't.... :(

When will I accept this reality? I don't know for sure. Right now I haven't. I have changed so many things outside of me - clothes, food, environment, company... but inside of me it is still the same. Deep in my heart I still have a feeling of hope. Like one day he will walk back into my life. Like he was meant for me. I wish I didn't have this hope. Its sort of a false hope that keeps me in limbo. My mind is not in sync with my emotions and I cant say for sure which one is the liar.

Being here with my sister reminds me again of what I want in my life. I want to get married, have a house, have kids and raise a family. Even all her frustrations and complaints about house and kids and husband - i feel envious of them, because I know this is what i want too. I think i have always wanted to be a mum even since i was a little girl. I never had any huge aspirations of being anything outrageous. I always dreamed to just be a mother and have a beautiful family. It seems so ordinary, or even like a "less than" desire to those feminists out there. I'm not saying that I am not able to be a career woman. I am educated, intelligent and independent. I have University degrees, work experience and many attributes to being a strong independent woman. I can make my own money and be self sufficient in life. I have done all of this. However, I know that deep down inside all I really want is my own family. My own husband and kids. My own little wolf pack.

This is why I feel so gutted about my breakup with Kevin. Kevin for me was the first man who met the requirements that I was willing to accept as a man that would father my children. It might seem superficial and shallow, but it is true. He was the perfect specimen for me. I'm not saying he is a perfect individual by any means. However, his perfection lay within the qualities that he possessed that I wanted to accept  and pass onto my own children. I know kevin is not the only man in the world who can be perfect. However, I truly did feel in my heart I had found the one who was it for me.

I know I need to let go and start afresh. It is just very hard to let go.

From Auckland To Los Angeles

Well, I've got a long flight behind me, a long layover and a long flight ahead. So I will warn you that my time has been spent and will probably be spent mostly blogging, so don't be surprised if you see multiple posts today or at least very long posts.

From Auckland to Los Angeles.

After my sobbing session through the whole airport in Auckland I managed to dry my tears while sitting down at the gates to board the plane. I was early, so I chose an isolated position in the corner to hide my swollen eyes and red cheeks. As the gate filled with people all excited in anticipation of boarding, a man came to sit next to me. He looked rather 'rough' but this isn't unusual for New Zealand men.

He smelt of cigarettes and beer. He turned to me after a minute or two.
"D'yasmerk?" he asked. I didn't understand what the hell he said but i kind of put two and two together.
"Smoke? No, I don't smoke, sorry". I replied.

I initially thought that would have been the end of the conversation, but surprisingly this was the beginning of a long one. His name was Emmett, a 42 year old Australian bush guy. He looked rough, smelled rough, dressed rough, spoke rough and acted rough. Don't get me wrong he was a nice guy and he really did cheer me up with his "G'day mate" attitude, but he did look like he was just wrestling some crocodiles a few minutes before. We spoke all the way till the plane was ready to board, mostly him talking about himself and his love for alcohol and sport while I just nodded and made tiny contributions here and there. He was a funny guy. He was definitely very friendly and he did enjoy chatting. As we boarded the plane, Emmett decided that he was going to ask the guy next to me to switch seats so he could sit next to me.

Now, I wasn't really sure where this was going, because I didn't think that I had made any great attempt to be overly chatty and interested in what he had to say, especially in my present pathetic disposition of heartbreak I hardly made any effort at all, but i guess there was something Emmett was keen on finding out.

I was in for a long flight I thought because it was a 12 hour journey and I was sitting next to a guy who chose to sit next to me when all i really wanted was to curl up and cry on my own.
The conversation between us went smoothly. He was an interesting guy, and he loved to talk about his accomplishments, carefree living and crazy encounters.
His present journey comprised of flying from Perth Australia to Auckland to LA to Newark to watch a boxing match and then head back to the airport at Newark to LA to Auckland to return to Perth Australia on the same day. His total journey was taking 4 days long and he was only spending 6 hours at his destination to watch a boxing match.
What a crazy bastard? Who wants to do that? Who even does that? He never gave me a satisfactory explanation beside "why not? Its boxing!".

This guy was bizarre and he obviously took a liking to chatting with me. Perhaps because of my great conversational skills (Not! I'm lacking in this area) or my great looks (Not! I look like an emaciated corpse in my current depressive state) or my wonderful personality (Not! I wasn't very engaging to be honest).  I cant say I know why he enjoyed chatting but he kept on chatting and I learnt all about his life in Australia, his wife, his dogs, his parrots, his lack of ability to have kids with his wife, his heroic moments of saving people's lives by performing CPR, his days as a security guard at a casino and his encounters with heroin addicts overdosing and dying. Let's just say, the guy loved to tell his stories.

I wasn't unhappy to hear his stories. In fact it was somewhat refreshing to have different conversation with somebody that wasn't related to my break up. I felt appreciation for this guy. He saved me from being a complete wreck the whole flight. I eventually was forced to tell him my sad story of breaking up (I tried to keep it brief), to which he replied "that guy is stupid to dump you".  It was nice to have a stranger say this to me, but at the same time it wasn't really comforting other than on a superficial level of being polite.

After a few hours on the flight, the conversation tapered off. I was glad because I did want to get some sleep. However, as I slowly fell asleep I thought about this encounter and what it revealed to me. It had very little to do with this Emmett guy but everything to do with me. It revealed things to me about myself. I am beginning to recognize that each encounter that I have with random people during this time is a reflection of myself and what I would like to work on within me. They are all mirrors. I see things about myself that I hadn't seen before. Some are good things and some are bad things, but I feel as though it is only now that I am in this position of being stripped down to this naked state that I can actually see these things about me. I never saw them before.

I am bare, transparent to the skeleton both physically and emotionally. Is this what it is all about? Is it only from this place of zero that you can really be sure to start solid foundation? I honestly don't know for sure, I'm still searching for my own answers amongst it all.

But I guess the point of pivoting from where I am now is "How am I going to build myself into the woman I always wanted to be?"

Is it running or closure?

Well I managed to get my self together enough to close off most of my things in NZ and buy myself a ticket to Canada. Whereas I know I have to leave in order to help myself through my loneliness and heartbreak, I also feel extremely sad to say goodbye to NZ.
I spent the last year learning and living in NZ and even though there were many things that were unfamiliar to me, i was slowly conditioning myself to live in NZ and start a family with kevin. I spent the last 3 years knowing (or believing) i would marry him, and i spent the last year accepting and building my life in NZ.
It is hard to say goodbye to this dream now. It is actually harder than I thought.
NZ was always an unusual place for me, I found it riddled with oxymorons (yeah, nah! - NZers know what i mean), but I was just beginning to enjoy it as being part of who I was to become. I find myself saying that I may come back, but I also find it hard to separate NZ from kevin.

Packing all my stuff, getting to the airport and getting on the plane was very hard for me. I had anxiety, sadness and my mind scrolled through hundreds of my memories both happy and sad. I sobbed most of the way through baggage check in, baggage screening and to the gate. Its actually not so bad to be sobbing at the airport, people just think you are sad to leave friends and family behind. This is sort of what I was sad about, except it wasn't people i was sad to leave behind but a life that I was very hopeful and optimistic about. I secretly tell myself that i can come back anytime that i want, and this is true, i can! But will i really want to? The dilemma I face now is the fear of moving on. I feel as though if i am still sad and depressed about the breakup and still wanting to get back together, then maybe it will still happen. If i completely move on and let go, then i will have to say goodbye to my dreams of being with kevin completely and somehow this would cheapen the experience and life I had/want with him.

This is a mental struggle I face at the moment - The desire to get better contrasting with the desire to desperately hold on. Leaving NZ is a right step (at least for a while until I can find my feet again). But I am SCARED SHITLESS of what will happen now. I know in my mind what I would like to happen, but I dont know what life will deliver me.
So I am afraid. Afraid of closure and afraid of running away.

Haunted by teenage decisions

Some days I feel ok and I feel there has been some improvement. But there are moments like now where my heart reminds me with great conviction that I am not ok. I miss him so much. All i want is my life back. It may not have been perfect but it sure is better than what I am living now.

I feel like a stuck record in these moments. Like i keep saying the same things over and over. Having the same thoughts over and over. Having the same feelings over and over. Doing the same things over and over. I feel like there is nobody to talk to. Nobody who says anything that makes me feel like there is a greater meaning to all of this. It is such a mental battle and i troll the internet for forums, videos, talks, articles, anything that can justify everything that i think. But of course not even that makes me feel better.

All I want right now is to get back together with him. I think i will be able to talk him into being with me again. That i will be able to convince him that we can work it out. These are classic breakup symptoms. Symptoms that show I have not accepted the reality that he is done with me.
How can I accept that? My brain has been hardwired to be with him for years. To marry him, to love him, to sort through problems with him. How do I un-hardwire my brain?

Relationships have always been extremely important to me.... I always pretend that they are not, but this is usually a defensive action because I am afraid to let people see how vulnerable I actually am.
I try to be 'nonchalant' and play the 'cool' card,  and talk to some people like if i don't care that much, like its no big deal, like if I am apathetic towards it ...... my actions make me look like I'm aloof, like I don't give a damn, like I could easily do without this relationship in my life ... and I do this intentionally to people who don't know me very well (the outskirts of my friends) ... I do this to mask my true feelings to the outside world.. I am afraid to let the world see that I am in fact truly vulnerable and open for hurt.
I am not this way with everybody. The people who I consider my close friends and family I am very honest with, and they know my true feelings but that is a very tiny number .....

Why do I act this way? I know I act this way because I honestly care so much and I am afraid of being so hurt. The level of hurt I can experience from allowing myself to be so vulnerable is catastrophic and I truly don't want the world to see me like that (or at least the casual friend). I don't mind my family or best friend seeing me like that, but I certainly don't want the rest of the world to see me that way.

I don't want people to know that I am vulnerable, and can be easily hurt by something so simple. They will think I am weak and pathetic, and nobody gets by in life being weak and pathetic. I've felt this way for most of my life. I can remember being 14 years old and being extremely hurt in high-school after revealing my weakness... I was attacked emotionally and cried for days and days .... In retrospect, the actual thing I was teased about was so dumb, but back then it seemed so important. After being emotionally wounded, I then made the decision to never do that again, to never reveal my weakness, to act like I don't care because this was the best way to hide that I do care.... It was a way to deflect the bullets away from me, to not be a target. It was the best way to get through the battlefields of adolescent insecurity.... I was insecure then... and today I still do it because I am insecure now...

I am not always insecure, but I am not immune to insecurity. The things I am insecure the most about are the things that I care most about... and I can see a pattern arising that these are the moments when I pull out the "whatever, I don't care" card to protect myself.

However, the very action of "seeming like I don't care" to self preserve leads me towards losing what I care about most. Because to kevin it seemed like I didn't give a shit about him ... no matter what I did to convince him otherwise, my actions to the outside world spoke very loudly and clearly ..... He wont ever know that there is complexity and simplicity behind it all ... that there is a reason for me being this way ....  and if he ever does find out, I doubt he would even care now, because the damage is already done.

The irony of life can really strangle you.

Sleep is my friend as well as my foe

Sleep is my friend as well as my foe. I have had weeks of fitful sleep that has been plagued with nightmares and demons. I find it hard to get to sleep but my body is desperate for it. The physical indications of lack of rest presents itself throughout my entire body. My eyes are red, my skin is sallow, my body is weak and unattended, my bones show through my thin flesh. I am embarrassed with how I look. I feel like only the shell of a woman who used to shine and smile and sparkle. Where did all of this go? Kevin doesn't actually have it. Even though I feel he has stolen it from me, I know I still have it somewhere inside of me, I have just chosen to lock it away in a tight little box deep inside me. I've hidden it so well and disguised it as something else that now i cant find it or even find the strength to look for the key.

I know this is self punishment, and the only sufferer in this battle is me.  My mind knows it only too well, but my emotions struggle with believing what my mind already knows. How do I force my feelings to catch up to my mind? Sometimes, i do find solace in sleep. Those are the times when my dreams last more than 15 minutes and they don't include kevin or related topics or when they aren't full of nightmares that give me anxiety.  Sleep has brought me comfort in these moments, where i feel my body can be at peace.

Then I wake up! Ugh....
Waking up is the worse part of it all. As I surface from my sleep, I can feel my conscious mind being activated. Hearing comes first, my brain quickly switches on each of my senses one by one. It only takes a few milliseconds for everything to boot up but I am aware during this time. I feel ok while my brain runs through the start up process, but then a few milliseconds later i open my eyes. I see where i am, I am conscious now and the memories of the present gets flooded back to my mind. Its like a wave that runs through my whole body. My stomach immediately clenches and despair washes over me once more. Its like a flood of sudden emotion that can be briefly crippling.
I feel sad all over again and i momentarily relive the past events through my memories that suddenly flash across my mind. It makes me ill when this happens and it only takes a second. I hate this repeated experience of reliving the past like if it was new. It is almost like I was unaware of my life while i was at rest and then i was suddenly faced with the devastating news for the first time.

When will I accept the reality and move past this stage?

I need my sleep, but I hate waking up.

Baggage

Minutes tick by like hours and my eyes cannot find sleep nor can my mind find solace. I decided to clear out and pack up some of my stuff to clean up my tiny room in preparation of leaving. I do not have a leaving date yet, but i pray it will be very soon. As soon as i can sell my car i will leave this country for a while. 

I go through my stuff and all of it seems like dead weight. All my clothes, my shoes, my little priceless items that hold so much sentimental value just seems like dead weight now. Everything that i have hauled back and forth to and from New Zealand and the Caribbean over the past 3 years feels so heavy with emotion.

Why do i need all of these things? 

They are just all the reminders of a life i used to have before i came to NZ that are now tarnished with memories of the life i lived in NZ. I feel to get rid of it all. To throw it all away. Thousands of dollars of stuff to just get rid of. I've already wasted thousands and thousands of dollars with this relationship, why not waste a few more?

Is this my rational mind speaking? I doubt it. Will i have regrets of tossing it all? or will this be a purging of the negatives? I am riddled with indecisiveness. The past years seem like such a waste. Wasted money, wasted effort, wasted energy, wasted love and wasted life. Wasted! Wasted! Wasted!

Perhaps getting rid of all these things will be like starting over. I am already starting over now, why not start over with new stuff as well? Why not just start with only one suit of clothes and a toothbrush? The only problem is that new stuff costs money and i have little of that right now. 

But who cares about money when you have a bleeding heart to tend to.

Loss is still Loss

Insomnia has taken a hold of me and i lay in bed and my mind flutters from thought to thought to thought. I miss my Kevin as a lay alone under the sheets. I wish he were next to me or me next to him to feel his warm body pressed close to mine. I force myself to think that he is no longer a part of my life and that i need to build new memories... the reality sets in and i cant see beyond the blurry lonely present into the future and i long for the past.

It is weird how emotions can control so much of me. How can i let myself be so absorbed by what i feel? There are so many people in this world (including kevin) who can  go through life as normal without having their emotions tug at the rest of their being. Even if something happens, he can eat, sleep, work, function as normal as if nothing ever happened. Why cant i be like that?

I wish i could compartmentalize my life - one part for feelings, one part for work, one part for exercise, one part for eating, one part for relationships, one part for fun and etc. If i were made up like this then i assume that even though one area of my life is not working, the others aren't affected. However, the reality of the situation is that for me, its all connected, all intersected. Like multiple waterfalls that connect different pools. They each flow into the other. Once one pool gets a little dirty, it just spreads to everything else.

How can I try to separate my life into areas and not let them all be affected? Im not sure.
I remember feeling lost like this years and years ago when my father died suddenly. It was a moment i had never anticipated and i truly had a difficult time getting through that period. However, when i look back at it, most of that year/s was a blur. I can barely even remember the year at all far less getting through it. All i can actually remember is feeling really bad when it happened and then feeling "kinda ok" after about 2 years. However, for the life of me i cannot remember the journey in between and how i managed to get through it.Those 2 years are somewhat of a mystery and all i can recall are moments of despair and horror, but nothing of the recovery or healing. I just know i recovered somehow.

Sometimes i feel slightly ashamed to compare losing kevin to the death of my father. Yes, i love kevin very much, but kevin isn't dead. Death is so much more severe than breaking up. Yet the feelings are so similar.

I guess the feeling of loss is still loss and very much present..... but with a breakup i still feel as though there is something that can be done about it but whereas with death i could have accepted the finality of the loss, because it was totally out of my control...

Does the added lack of finality mean that breaking up feels worse?